The Conundrum

Volume 1

Chief Editor: Sabacthani
______________________________

The State of Things

Atlantic City: Open for Business

Unknown

Reno: Open for Business

Boss Mr. Phenom and his Gli Artisti Crime
Capo Felicity and her La Mafia del Rossetto
StreetBoss Qadesh and her Misfits

Saint Louis: Open for Business

Unknown

San Francisco: Open for Business

Chip and his Bay City Syndicate

The Interview
by Sabacthani

As our feature piece of every issue of The Conundrum, we will be conducting and interview first hand with highly influential members of our society. Our interviews will be taking us far and wide across America from the East Coast to the West Coast. We must warn you, however, that sometimes these said influential members of our country are believed to be involved in deplorable behavior. We do not in any way condone these activities. Viewer discretion is advised.

Our interview today is with very highly regarded, and rumored head of the family Gli Artisti Crime (The Crime Artists), Mr. Phenom, who is based out of Reno, Nevada.

First of all, Mr. Phenom, thank you for taking the time to be with us here today. I know that you must have a very busy schedule. Might I inquire from the onset as we occupy ourselves with proper edict, what your proper name is and what it is that you prefer to be called by your family and friends?

Mr. Phenom - I am rather embarrassed to say, but I never really knew my birth name, or if I ever even had one to be honest. See, I was abandoned on the steps of an old church in Ireland when I was just an infant. The nuns there never knew who left me, but some rumored it was a family of gypsies that were passing thru town during that time frame. The only name I ever knew was David, its what the nuns called me. But I liked the name Phenom, and just adopted it for myself. So most call me Mr. P or Mr. Phenom, but very rarely does anyone call me David unless it’s the missus and she is about to give me…

A truly inspirational story. How is that you came to these shores and became such an influential member of our society?

Mr. Phenom - I ran away from the orphanage when I was but 14 or 15. I eventually made it to some small town along the eastern shore by the name of Wexford. I was always fascinated by the ships coming and going and would lay on the docks watching the dock hands loading and unloading and wondering what kind of cargo they were carrying and where they were going. The usual kid stuff I suppose. One day I had snuck into one of the warehouses and tried to see what was in all those crates. Next thing I know I wake up my head throbbing and I am in the galley of a ship. This big burley cook soon put me to work as his helper. It was either that or become shark bait. I took the lesser of 2 evils, and just bided my time. I was aboard that ship for two going on three years. But when we went up into the great lakes for some freight I saw my opportunity there in SltStMarie as we cleared the locks I jumped over board and swam to shore. From there I rode the rails around the country until I made it to Miami. I guess the rest you can say, is history.

Do you admit your role as the head of the family The Crime Artists?

Mr. Phenom - I admit I have made a lot of friends in Reno, and I have several business associates. I admit several people look up to me for advice and I offer it to anyone that is willing to listen. As for this family you speak of, what did you call them? The Crime Artist, you reporters are always looking for an angel to sell papers. The cops have spread rumors trying to tarnish my good name, but I have the utmost respect for the law. Why, I am probably one of their biggest supporters and I donate to several charity organizations. I attend church every Sunday. I think people see someone like me become successful and they try to find ways to bring me down. If they want to label me with a tag then so be it. I am a man of honor, sir, and I treat all my associates with respect. I only ask that I be given the same respect in return.

I cannot argue with anything you say, good sir. I am simply reporting on issues in question, as I am sure you understand. Now, you mentioned you have a number of business associates. I am assuming that includes those both within and outside of the city of Reno. However, would you care to speak on the state of things in the state of Nevada? More specifically, your relationship with fellow influential individuals Felicity and Qadesh?

Mr. Phenom - Yes, I understand you are just doing your job young man and I know you have to ask.

Hmmm state of affairs in Reno, I think we have taken the town of Reno and turned it into the biggest little city in the country let alone Nevada. Reno's business is thriving, crimes are down, old lady's walk the streets without fear any more. We are making great strides in Reno I believe.

As for Ms. Felicity, she has been with me since my days in Miami. She chose to move here under my advice when the economy in Miami took a downward spiral. All the Cuban immigrants bringing in their illegal drugs just was not to our liking so we decided a change of scenery was in store. I think it was the best thing we could have done. I was always a big supporter of Ms. Felicity and when we came to Reno and she wanted an opportunity to spread her wings. I was then and probably still am her biggest supporter. She has some very loyal friends and associates that I get along with as well. I just think with the size of Reno, we could accomplish more if we compiled our resources and worked together. Unlike some cities where everyone wants to be top dog. I don't think we see each other as such, but as equals in a tough business world working together to achieve the same goals.

Now for MsQ, she is a friend and her family has been around with me from the beginning as well. But she is also very close to Ms. Felicity, we have a very good relationship, the three of us. One of those unseen bonds that can never be broken you might say. I will support her in her newest business venture as I have supported Ms. Felicity.

Do you have any plans for the future Mr. Phenom?

Mr. Phenom - Do I have any plans? I suppose we all have plans, but nothing ever goes according to plan now does it? And to be honest, it would be remiss of me to disclose any future plans I have publicly as I have business associates that I must consult with first in every decision I make. When you have so many people working to make you successful then they, each and every one of them deserves to be considered in every decision I make. I am not even sure deserves is the correct word there, it is my responsibility to consider each and every one of the people that have helped me to become successful. It is my responsibility to offer them the best resources to become as successful as they have allowed me to become. I say allow, because with out them I would not be sitting here in front of you today. They are the closes thing to having a family as I have ever known really.

My plans are to do what ever is necessary to make Reno, with the assistance of Ms. Felicity and Ms. Q the best damn city this country has ever seen. It is not a task I could do alone, they say its lonely at the top, but I say screw them. It’s only lonely if you make it lonely, when you put yourself before friends and family then yea it gets lonely. But if you surround yourself with good people and treat them good you will never be alone.

I will take that as a yes. And lastly, my good Mr. Phenom, it is the tradition with us here at The Conundrum to allow you to leave us with any final thoughts for our readers to ponder.

Mr. Phenom - Final thought? My only words of advice or encouragement would be to keep your head high, and stay focused. As they say, ‘Stay the course’, meaning, to continue to do something that is difficult or takes a long time until it is finished. In other words, set a goal and don't give up. And never forget who got you to where you are. Without friends and family we are nothing.

~Gli Artisti Crime~ The Family From Hell

by Dom

Today I interviewed a now protected guy from the ~Gli Artisti Crime~ run by the notorious, and extremely brutal, MrPhenom. The man goes by the name of Mr_Zooey. Here was the message I received from this poor soul;

Well when I started, you know just joined the family. I shook hands with the boss, and he said "Now we gotta clean you up, rid you of the dirt from the street." I was like, oh that's nice. But he went to a filing cabinet and got out a small paddling pool, which he proceeded to inflate with the power of his lungs alone. With a red face he looked up at me, "While you might as well get ready Son. Get it all off!" He shouted out of his office down the hall, "OK, few minutes now, we got enough shampoo?"

A long story short, I was forced to sit in this paddling pool while the family sprayed me with shampoo and other cleaning products. Zefiro threw a yellow liquid over me I can't imagine what it was. This was all done to Ride of the Valkyries playing on Phenom's record player. Quite an induction. But I was thoroughly clean afterwards (though psychologically damaged too).

That heartfelt message is very emotional and disturbing, it is obviously a cry for help. I immediately rushed to the pure evil to the core, sick and twisted MrPhenom, and I began to quiz him about his background to find out just what makes a man the son of the devil. This was what he said;

“It was the nuns that raised me in the orphanage they were sick and hated men so got their jolly's making me strip and dance for them while they whipped me with thorny brambles they made me cut from the rose bushes. My days on board ship weren’t much better as I was shanghieed and the cook that I was forced to work for in the galley was a sick bastard too!”

It does certainly seem like MrPhenom has had a sad, miserable and hard old life, but is that enough to wreck the lives of the others all around him? So it seems that everybody should no longer trust MrPhenom, nor the rest of his crew. I would like for everybody reading this now, please spam the hell out of MrPhenom and Zefiro for ten whole minutes, for their wicked behavior towards the innocent Mr_Zooey. Thank you.

Something or Other
by One True Voice

The most unjust and undeserved killing of a fair minded citizen happened today, it is believed that Alfie Writer known better as Ghost Writer to some was shot and killed by his boss Qadesh. The circumstances remain unclear but it is believed that he had asked to die by her hand rather then see his boss Qadesh killed for his outspoken ways. Apparently the deed was done with a heavy heart as Qadesh and Mr Writer had become somewhat friendly after he joined her small yet creative family. It is believed that his outspoken yet truthful way of speaking was behind his death:

N-Rich-Rc: He labeled him a known moron

GlowWorm: He labeled him a known moron

Chip: He labelled him a known moron

The Bay City Syndicate: He labeled all of them known morons

Despite his outspoken nature Mr Writer was actually bringing long awaited debate to the streets, no mean feat in this day and age.

Ghost’s death is real and he will not be reviving himself. It is believed known that RETARDS [cough] Chip [cough] can pay hefty fees to have themselves Cryogenically brought back to life after death so that they can continue to put a nail in the coffin of our community. (Surely they died because they were thick as shit in the first place?)

The community has suffered a great loss today and we will be bowing our head to a true hero…. Alfie ‘Ghost’ Writer. You will be missed sir.

In other news….

The streets are once again dead.

Reliving the Past
Dark Times – May 12, 2007

The Conundrum
by Sab

So, Darky approached me a few days prior and asked me to contemplate writing an article here and there for his lovely paper, The Dark Times, and I thought it a splendid idea. My superb linguistic skills simply scream to be published. My father had been toying with the idea of publishing his own paper, The Conundrum, but it fell through because, well, he died. That always seems to hurt ones chances at being published it would seem.

ED ~ Starting to regret asking him to help now.

His goal had been to publish a paper slightly different then the traditional papers of the country. It wouldn’t merely report on the humdrum lives of us boring Mafioso,

ED ~ What have I done.

Instead, it would tackle certain events and comment on them. Attempt to spark debates, if you will. Now, I in no way wish to live in my fathers shadow, because he was not as handsome as I, but I am going to follow in this spirit. And to give him his dues, I would like to present his first edition of The Conundrum. Subsequent ones will be written and spoken of by myself, and if anyone has a topic they wish discussed, please feel free to write me in my Miami office.

ED ~ Anyone still reading this, damn Sab My numbers are dwindling with this drivel.

Sabacthani’s First Conundrum

*Completely lacking a flashy entrance with limos, bodyguards, and cigarettes, Sabacthani sits down in a chair surrounded by a few men and women of the country.

‘So I have a conundrum,’ he begins. ‘Yes, I know most of the answers everyone will provide before I even ask this question, but I’ll put it forth just in-case someone surprises me with the meaning of life here.

‘Some would call me a “high profile guy”, though I would never in a million years grant myself this title. I’ll humbly say that I’ve just been around a while, have a lot of loyal friends and family members and know how to stay alive.

Ed ~ Hmmm point to note, you died.

So I can really think of no reason why anyone would want me dead other than the shear joy of saying that they killed the handsomest family leader around (ehem, sorry, didn’t everyone know that?).

Ed ~ NO

‘Regardless, I do not generally like finding out from my bodyguards that someone has taken a shot or two at me. Granted, it is bound to happen, it comes with the territory I suppose. But here is the really puzzling question: Why would a thug, born in my city, who is not even an hour old take multiple shots at me?

Ed ~ I want to kill you now and I have only listened to you for one minute.

‘Seemingly I have never conversed with this fellow, so I doubt he has a vendetta against me. He was exactly six minutes old when I killed him. Where in the hell did he get a gun, and at least two bullets?’

Ed ~ Hides the ammo cabinet keys

*Sab takes a drag from his cigarette and ponders over the kids name: Hintz.

‘No, I have definitely never heard of him, nor anyone who remotely resembles his family lineage. Did he simply get a gun and some bullets and decide to test his luck against me? Or did someone put him up to it, supplying him with the ammunition?

Ed ~ Whistles and shuffles his feet.

‘But here is my conundrum: why would anyone want to do this? Have I not extended my hand to this nation, leaving it open to business when most other leaders would have put the city under lockdown with lesser situations then our own? What more can I do to offer my friendship to those of this nation of ours!’

Ed ~ Thank you Sab for that renditional rant from your fathers Journal, he will be missed by many.

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