The Tabloid News Issue XXXII
Chef Pickles: Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

I think everyone will be shocked to see two editions of The Tabloid News out so close to each other. I know I am. This is the hardest I’ve worked in the newspaper game in, well, forever. I do enjoy the brief respite from the hot kitchen to the typewriter. We have much to discuss in this edition, so as everyone in the past has said, “On with the news!�

THE MYSTERIOUS DEATH OF RINGMASTER PICKLES

For the 3% of the reading populace who actually cared about the death of Ringmaster Pickles, we have the truth behind his death. Some have rumoured he died as part of the ongoing hostilities between Los Angeles and the remnants of Las Vegas. Others said it was freak accident involving circus animals. The truth is far more hilarious. At a Tabloid News party, RM Pickles (who had his share of booze) was showing a bunch of the French Maid cleaning staff that it was not possible to break the glass in the Tabloid News Offices. He ran across the room on the 24th floor and flung himself into the glass and bounced off. He had done this stunt many times in the past and on this night he tried a second time. The glass shattered and RM Pickles fell 24 stories. Meanwhile, Cyrus made a surprise visit to LA, and was wildly shooting his gun into the air, and shot RM Pickles whilst falling to his impending doom. Head French Maid, Morgan Ames, said that although the event was tragic, the look on RM Pickles’ face when the glass shattered was “priceless.� RM Pickles might be missed. But, probably not.

LSM UNDERGROUND GAINING GROUND IN WAR ON ROCKET

A secret society of rebels within La Stidda Mafia have engaged in psychological warfare against their leader, Rocket. Among other pranks, the LSM Underground convinced Rocket that he was putting on weight by replacing all his shirts with smaller sized shirts and pants. After several weeks of salads and exercise, The LSM Underground replaced all of Rocket’s clothes with identical clothes two sizes too large. After a few days of eating nothing but donuts, the LSM Underground replaced Rocket’s pants with those three inches too short, making him believe he was taller. There are rumours that the LSMU are going to attack Rocket’s hairline. We at The Tabloid News cannot condone this type of activity, however, we find it incredibly hilarious.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,
Who the hell are you? Why have we never seen you around?
Signed, “Don’t Recall History�

Dear Idiot,
I am a voice from yesteryear who’s sage advice and wisdom is still needed in these times. I walked the streets when all way gray, and your great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather was still in diapers.
Red

Dear Red,
I think I’m in love with a girl who only sees me as a friend. What should I do?
Signed, Pathetic in Peoria

Dear Pathetic,
Grow some cajones, and hire a hooker.
Red

ALCOHOLISM REACHES PANDEMIC PROPORTIONS

Local bars at one time in our society were full of people having fun, having great conversations, and flirting like there was no tomorrow. Now, local bar owners are reporting mass amounts of people merely walking in, looking around, and ordering a beer. Sir Drinksalot, owner of the Booze Hound says that beer is the most requested beverage these days. “People walk in, and ask for beer. No one wants a mixed drink, no one wants to make conversation. It’s just all beer, beer, beer!� Hopefully the masses will see the error of their ways, and return to the bars to enjoy themselves, not just drown their sorrows.

STREET SPEECH REVIEW

Ed. Note - These reviews are made hastily without any regard for context or meaning. These opinions do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Tabloid News.

“Bartenders Wanted� by Bailey – I keep passing over Chef Pickles for other men. I make big mistakes.

“Moretti’s Two Million Dollar Handout� by Guido Moretti – I like to tease Pickles with promises of money, then I yank the rug out from under him.

“The Coup?� by Molly Chambers – Certainly a speech about cars. Right?

“A Dallas Update� by Layla – Local millionaire J.R. Ewing shot. Suspects being rounded up.

TABLOID EDITOR ACCUSED OF LAZY REPORTING

Tabloid News Editor, Chef Pickles, has been accused of lazy reporting. Being unable to think of a final article for Issue XXXII, he has resorted to writing an article about his inability to write an article. Many newspaper readers find this self-serving and hardly newsworthy. Chef Pickles reportedly does not care, and feels the overwhelming need for a final article to round off the paper after one of its regular features, and continues to write anyway. “You have to give me a break,� said Pickles in an attempt to defend himself. “It’s not easy to write a good article when you’re sleep deprived.� The editorial staff at the Tabloid News is considering asking for his resignation.

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