The Citizen Times - issue 1
Chief Editor – Don_Emiliano_Cortez

I would like to welcome you all to the first edition of The Citizen Times. As many of you know, the cops have cracked down on the recent publications of many newspapers run by various crime families, and so I felt the time was right to promote a new newspaper, run by citizens, for the whole community. Depending on the popularity of this newspaper, we may publish more articles in the future. Journalist positions are available and desired but as you can expect, you have to be a legitimate businessman or woman to apply. Citizens only please.


Rocket’s Blast
By D_E_C

March 2nd and 3rd saw a return to the violence that has marred our streets for so many years and the return of a genuine family war, which affected more than just one or two individuals. Chicago Boss BillyBadAss, the man who many people believed ran the entire crime community from East to West coast finally died in a hail of bullets and so ended his family and his campaign for Godfather.

March 2nd saw the beginning of a major battle between the city of Chicago and the city of Dallas which was being run by the local crime lord and Capo Goliath. Reports indicate that members of the Dallas Family, “The Prodigious Petroleum Inc” were in the process of becoming assassinated by members of the Chicago Outfit. Mafioso originating in Dallas were being picked off by Outfit members as they slept and as they emerged from their houses and hotels in the early morning. It is unknown why these murders were occurring but BillyBadAss was believed to have said it was simply business and would not go into further details on the matter.

The Dallas Capo Goliath was rightfully incensed at his family members becoming targets as he slept, but still felt guilty due to his fornications with two women that night that had kept him busy. Reports suggested that LA crime lord Rocket and close ally to BillyBadAss had ordered women for Goliath in an attempt to keep him occupied when his family was being massacred. Goliath attempted to contact the Chicago leader and failing in any diplomacy with the man, travelled to Dallas where Billy was waiting at a local bar, staring and laughing at a few of his men kidnap some unwitting civilian.

Both men saw each other at the same time and a fight broke out between the two powerhouses. Goliath’s aim however proved to be too good for his adversary and he emerged relatively unharmed, apart from the emotional bruising that he received after his friend Mr BadAss had attacked his family.

The Chicago Boss may have died but this unfortunately did not end the violence, and true to the belief that Billy and LA leader Rocket were close friends, Rocket soon became the next thorn in the Dallas leaders’ side.

LA Made Man Jack-Herer was the next to become embroiled in the conflict, as for reasons unknown, he flew from his native Los Angeles to Dallas to attack Mr Scalese, a Goomba in Prodigious Petroleum. Protecting his family from harm, Goliath immediately killed the LA Made Man. It is unknown whether it was a set up on behalf of an unknown entity to weaken yet another of the current families, whether it was unplanned or whether it was revenge for the death of BillyBadAss, but nonetheless Rocket caught the next flight to Dallas to duel Goliath and entered his own family into the dispute. With Dallas on high alert and witnesses viewing Rocket arriving in Dallas, it was not long before gunshots could be heard and men began to fall. Goliath and Rocket soon found themselves facing each other and guns drawn, they began to shoot. Bodyguards fell on both sides and only after at least 7 men had died, did the two leaders agree to talk and try to hammer out a truce. In order to keep both men safe, Goliath agreed to travel to New York to hopefully end any future violence. Unfortunately during all the commotion, more and more of the LA family began to arrive on the streets of Dallas, and ignoring their boss’s orders, they began to shoot any remaining Mafioso of the Dallas family.

Goliath, hearing of the continued violence on the streets of Dallas and now unable to help his family due to his presence in New York, retaliated by shooting LA members that happened to be enjoying a meal in a small Pizza restaurant. Telegrams and pigeons with letters were sent from both men, many containing petty insults, which inevitably resulted in Rocket following Goliath to New York.

The battle resumed and witnesses say that a small man with a sling shot, aimed at the head of the Dallas family stunning him with a tiny rock. Seizing the opportunity to strike and finally rid himself of his foe, Rocket aimed and fired, killing Goliath instantly.

Since this war, there have been many verbal disputes on the streets between people who feel they had been wronged and a desire to bring the reasons for the deaths to the forefront. This paper is here to service your needs, but we, at the Citizen Times still would personally like to see more communication from the powerful people in our community, if only, to prevent further massacres like the one we had witnessed during these days. It is also to be noted that Rocket himself willingly provided information for this report and was relatively open in his account.


Plea for returning Conceptualists
By D_E_C

A number of pleas have been flung out recently addressing the current state of the country and desires for the hero’s of the past to return. The spreading concern that anyone who commits to a life of crime, no matter how small will result in their imminent death has spread shockwaves across the community and has forced many people to remain legitimate citizens and forcing them to reject the lives of their ancestors obtaining honest jobs in honest communities.

The current trend has seen more and more of our community leave these shores, and head back to their homelands, where they can live in peace. A cry for previous families to return, such as ASDA and the Conceptualists, and while warring was common in those days; it did provide action and a genuine respect for each other. Mafioso currently in charge dispute the claims and prefer to live in the present, citing the past as the past and are highly protective of their coveted positions, resulting in this upsurge in the deaths of their enemies. The leadership have however attempted a willingness to change the current system but it remains to be seen if the countries crime syndicates will continue to degenerate or become bolstered by new found belief that the country is not as bad as it appears.


Interview with new Boss of Chicago Bart

D_E_C: Thank you very much for meeting me and agreeing to take part in this interview. I will ask a few questions, and please answer them to the best of your ability, if anything makes you uncomfortable, just say so.

Ok firstly, you are the newly crowned leader of Chicago, and have replaced the recently deceased BillyBadAss. Do you feel you would like to take your family in a new direction, or follow the ways of Billy?
Bartolomeo: My pleasure, Emil.

Good question. Billy and I saw eye to eye on many things, he was an excellent leader and even this old dog learned a few new tricks by serving alongside him. I admit I do have my own plans for Chicago, and there are areas that I intend to improve - such as our business district. However, as far as the "direction of the crew," I feel that more often than not Billy and I shared very similar goals, so in that regard Chicago will continue along the same path. That being said, I am not Billy...nor do I pretend to be. In that sense, I will strive to improve our crew and Chicago in the best way I see fit, of course.

D_E_C: With regards to your relations with other families across the country. Do you feel you hold any closer relations to any specific family in particular or any particular leader? What I am trying to say is, do you intend to create close ties or have close ties with one other family in particular?

Bartolomeo: On a business level, I am comfortable with my relationships when it comes to other crew leaders. For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I have good working relations with every head of family. I am happy to say that I enjoy a mutual respect with such leaders as Dayton Fall and Cyrus in Vegas, Leroy D in Detroit and Gio Jr out in Denver. However, my closest ties or the ones that extend beyond business, lie with Rocket and the conglomerate in Miami, headed by John Henry and Freakin Pizza. I've watched Pizza come up through the ranks, and I have an excellent relationship with Johnny Boy. I have known Rocket for quite some time, and I consider him one of my closest allies and confidants. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm closer to those guys than the rest, but I'm lucky enough to have laid a solid foundation with the rest of the CLs.

D_E_C: What are your views on the current negativity that has been spouted on the streets? From Citizens, disgruntled gangsters and people preparing to leave to the home country?

Bartolomeo: There will inevitably be negativity on the streets, especially when there is a shift in power, more specifically the fall of Conceptualism in New York. As much as I have had my differences with them, I do respect the length of time they were in power, nobody can deny that. That being said, it doesn't surprise me that many citizens today lament the present and glorify the days of old. People don't like change, especially when it doesn't favor them or their cause. Personally, I'm ready to move on from the traditional West vs. East feuding. Enough time has passed for me to feel comfortable enough looking toward the future, instead of dwelling on the past.

My stance on citizens in general is one of apathy, to be honest. They are a part of our society, but not necessarily one that I give credence to. Their voice carries little weight with me, as they have chosen a life of autonomy. Their safety, progress and solidarity with others in our society is their responsibility - and this is by their own choice. In that regard, their input or opinions regarding how a Mafioso family should or shouldn't be run is irrelevant to me. Likewise, disgruntled gangsters are ever-present. You can't please everybody all of the time. At that point, I put the needs of my family above any one individual and act accordingly. If they're too selfish to support that mentality, then maybe being part of a family isn't in their best interests.

D_E_C: A very thorough reply and one that is shared by other mafia leaders in the streets.

I would like to ask you about your family history, and if you have any ancestors that you are looking to better their accomplishments?
Bartolomeo: I like to think I've got fairly big shoes to fill. My 'ol man loved to reminisce about the old days, and as a result I take pride in my family, which includes members like Castellano, Big Kahuna and Fuzzy Bunny. They came to power right in the thick of the East vs. West feuds, which is in itself an accomplishment. In comparison, I've got it fairly easy these days, since we enjoy a time of relative peace.
Better their accomplishments? Absolutely; Every man wants to leave his own legacy, every son wants to go further than his father, just as every father takes pride in the fact that his son becomes his own man by defining his own identity. I've had great teachers, excellent role models.

D_E_C: It is enlightening that you have such aspirations; as such things can only be good for the community.
In recent months many families have expanded into new territories, do you have any such future aspirations, or is there a city that you aim to be based in, above all others?
Bartolomeo: I have always had a soft spot for Los Angeles. Always will, I guess. However, there is nobody I would trust more with her fate than her current leader, and I have no intention of branching out at this time. As I said before, my focus isn't on the size of my family, but on its integrity.

D_E_C: I would finally just like to ask you if there is anything you would like to announce to the community, any issue that you feel strongly about?

Bartolomeo: I don't suppose there is any pressing issue that comes to mind. We've all got our opinions of the pros and cons when it comes to our way of life, but if I feel strongly enough about something, it inevitably takes action in lieu of words to effect change.
D_E_C: Thank you very much for your time, and I wish you all the best with you and your family.

Bartolomeo: Thank you Emil, my door is always open.


Miami Boss asks for help
By D_E_C

Miami Boss FreakinPizza had been seen recently making his way down to the streets looking very flustered after receiving a serious death threat. Witnesses observed the Miami Boss sweating profusely with huge wet patches under his armpits and reeking a foul odour. A civilian named only as 40yrOldWank has been suggested as the man to have issued the threat.

The situation appears to have arisen as a result of Mr Wank becoming infuriated at a recent spate of kidnappings occurring across the nation, and finally came to breaking point when he himself was kidnapped allegedly by the Miami Boss FreakinPizza. After discovering the culprit, Mr Wank demanded his money and armaments back, and received only laughter and scoff in return.

Both men squared up to each other in public, and with the growing crowd, the powerful crime boss could do nothing to physically harm the citizen for fear of life imprisonment. The confrontation came to a head, when the Miami boss was referred to as “Big Boy”. Mr Pizza fearfully shameful of his growing girth was thought to have taken severe offence by this, especially under the growing crowd of spectators that had begun to gawk at the spectacle. A public kidnapping warrant was issued for Mr Wank who had quickly disappeared into the crowd but as of yet he is still at large.
The debate escalated when comments were made addressing many citizens, thugs and hoodlums and calling them all the lowest people in society. Things got so heated that, a death warrant was suggested to kill every Thug and Hoodlum and to be blamed on Mr Wank.

Police have yet to question Mr Wank about the incident and it is believed that he may be in league with the local police commissioner, with a possible family connection being the cause. Miami Boss Pizza has apologised for coming to the streets to announce what he later admitted should have been a family problem and it is believed he has plans to kill the police commissioner and put Mr Wank away for a long time to come. Mr Wank has ridiculed this suggestion but could only say “uhwot” when questioned. More to follow as the story unfolds.


Interview with the Willy Wonka

D_E_C: Well Mr Wonka, thank you very much for speaking to me today. You have been very visible to the community over the past number of weeks and so we thought we would ask you some questions.

D_E_C: Mr Wonka, you have impressed many by your poetry, so what motivates you to write such moving literature?

WillyWonka: Well, It all started a few years back. A lot of what I spoke seemed to rhyme very smoothly. It would occur without me even trying to rhyme and that was when I knew I was a poet at heart. What motivates me? I must say, it is the people. I can tell a story through poetry and express my inner feelings. As I like to call it; my poetic adrenaline.

D_E_C: Many people have witnessed you with a large tribe of miniature men. Do these little people help you with your poetry, or help inspire you in any way?

WillyWonka: I am glad you brought them up. They are OompaLoompas and they inspire me each and every day. The best way I can describe it is by watching your children grow to become more like you. They inspire me to keep moving forward in my poetry career and to overcome obstacles such as people trying to battle with me in the streets when they read my poetry. At first I would say no, but when I look at the OompaLoompas, with tears of joy in their eyes, ready to watch me put my poetic adrenaline to use, it makes me very happy.

D_E_C: Well it is always good to have a great following. So Mr Wonka, on another note, you have been heard recently talking about an expansion in your chocolate industry. Could you elaborate some more on this?

WillyWonka: Certainly. As many already know, I am a candy inventor. I invent the most amazing types of candy designs. I have recently dreamt of creating a Chocolate Factory that is so unrealistic that it makes people forget about the worries of the society and all of the violence, the only catch is, it is as real is it can get. I plan to have all the landscaping in the factory to be edible. What I mean by this is that grass, walls, carpet, trees, rivers, waterfalls, amusement attractions such as roller coasters can be eaten. I also plan on having one of the biggest chocolate pubs that serves my famous chocolate beer, named “The Chocolate Bar” There is a lot more to come, although I guess everyone will just have to wait and see!

D_E_C: They certainly are extravagant plans! Some people have suggested that you are in fact breeding these OompaLoompa's with the intention to take over the country. And reports also suggest that you have been tainting your chocolate with heroin, to make customers addicted before you raise the price. Can you comment on this?

WillyWonka: I must say, rumours are spread fast and often! Everyone knows chocolate is already addictive as itself, so there is no need to taint it with drugs. Secondly, these Oompa Loompa's just populate themselves. I am not sure how, when, or even where, but it happens and it happens often. I have several hundred now, but as of late, I do not have plans to take over the country...yet.

D_E_C: Well thank you very much for speaking to me, we may well visit you in the weeks to come, if you do end up taking over the community. One final request though...your poetry has become famous, and rumour has it that you have a new poem ready for publication. We would greatly appreciate the publication of such a poem.

WillyWonka: Yes. That rumour would be correct. The poem will be published for all to see!

D_E_C: Thank you very much for your time, and we all look forward to hearing it

Poem by WillyWonka

Many already know of 40YearOldWank
He is one everyone should thank,
Without him, streets would be quiet
And there wouldn't be a dramatic riot,

If you remember not too far back
He was a victim of a kidnapping attack,
The speech about 40YearOldWank was inquired
And the outcome made many citizens inspired,

He has actually become quite well known
Mainly because he has a mind of his own,
This is a guy that is very stubborn and outspoken
And after all the threats, his spirits remain unbroken,

Many seem to dislike him for these traits
But in the end, that’s what gets him dates,
You might start ask yourself why
But what girl doesn't like a confident guy?,

The difference between him and many is profound
Yet that’s what makes him so renowned,
He sticks to his opinion and doesn't switch sides
Since many people changes as much as the tides,

I'm not sure if he is the one you should really hate
If it weren't for him you'd have nothing to debate,
While I am at it, I'll set him up with a chick
After I am done, he can have his pick,

I will list things he does on his free time
First off, He likes to mountain climb,
After a hard day of work, he lifts some weights
During work, he tends to build people gates,

I must admit that he is excellent at cooking
And no one would disagree, he is damn good looking!


Weekly Joke:
A civilian and a Mob boss were having a conversation over some dinner. The conversation continued and amazingly the mob boss told the civilian the names of both his family members. A family of 2 people. Even more strangely, the civilian discovered that his members were called “one” and “two”, and he pointed at two men standing guard at the restaurant. The mob boss began to mock the civilian, noting that he had no family or members at all.

Suddenly a loud bang was heard and one of 2 family members slumped to the ground dead. The civilian started to snigger and laugh at the mob boss and stated “your family is now halved in size”, you must be devastated.

Why said the mob boss? I still have “two” left?

Final Word:
Finally just one word of note, obviously I do need help writing this paper, I do not have the time or energy to write an entire paper by myself every time, and so anyone interested in giving a little back to the community, please contact me.

Thank you all for reading this!

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