The Tabloid News XXX
Professor Pickles: Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

Ladies and gentlemen, this is an auspicious occasion – the thirtieth edition of The Tabloid News. Wow! All those editions, and those stories, all that creativity, I mean, investigative reporting! We at The Tabloid News hope that you’ve enjoyed the previous twenty-nine, and we hope you enjoy this latest one. So, in the immortal words of every preceding edition, on with the news . . .

TRUTH BEHIND PALLADINO’S DISAPPEARANCE

The leader of the Atlanta Platoon of the Miami Allstars disappeared nearly two weeks ago while in prison. Some thought he fell in to the giant gumbo pot and was consumed by Louie “The Cajun Killer” LaFleur as his last meal. Others thought he escaped, then got run over by a train. Some even say he won the job of warden in a poker game. The truth is far more bizarre. While in jail, Palladino was contacted by members of the OSS (Office of Strategic Services) to conduct espionage against Ecuador and their banana cartels. At least, that is what this stolen internal memo claims. It makes about as much sense to us, the editorial staff, as it does to you dear readers. But, that is the story we chose to report.

JOHN MILTON LOSES VALUABLES IN HEIST

John Milton, noted New York citizen, had his uptown apartment broken into and robbed earlier this week. Among other valuable stolen (including some art and a guppy in a fish tank) was his paradise. Milton had his very own paradise, and not it’s lost. John Milton swears he will keep searching for his lost paradise until it is regained.

STREET SPEECH REVIEW

Ed. Note – These reviews are made hastily without any regard for context or meaning. These opinions do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Tabloid News.

“Respect, Loyalty, and Knowing When to Shut Up” by Temperance – The next time you want to say something to me, think it over very carefully, and then don’t say it.

“I Want To Laugh, Too!” by VanOwen – I’m going to go out and buy a full length mirror.

“Chi and Famiglia D'onoro” by Almeida – We really like tea, but didn’t know it’s spelled Chai.

“The Gambler’s Anonymous” by Robert Dufalk – Bet you $5 that I don’t have a problem.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,
I’ve recently discovered a severe infestation of Welshman in my kitchen. How can I get rid of them humanely?
Signed, J. Milton

Dear John,
Why are you concerned about doing it humanely? I recommend a flamethrower. Just keep a bucket of water handy for when your kitchen goes up in flames.
Red

Dear Red,
I’m tired of getting attacked in jail by Bubba! The worst thing is, I never see him coming.
Signed, Ray Charles

Dear Ray,
Have you considered soap on a rope? You can beat him with it when he creeps up on you.
Red

Dear Red,
I went to visit the old man, and he said he would hook me up if I provided favors for him. Now, I feel really dirty inside, and he didn’t hook me up. What can I do?
Signed, Used and Abused

Dear Idiot,
That wasn’t the kind of favor he was asking for. Now that you reek of shame, move to Nevada and set up on a street corner. I’m sure you’ll meet a lot more old men willing to hook you up.
Red

AMUSEMENT PARK ACCIDENT LEAVES SEVERAL INJURED, UNAMUSED

A Carnival came through the fine city of Miami, bringing oddities of all shapes and sizes (and that was just the carnie folk). Hundreds of people bought tickets to the affair and made their way to the Midway to ride the rides. The Ferris wheel snapped of its base, and proceeded to roll around the grounds dragging all the thrill-seekers with it. It rolled over the funnel cake stand, throwing powdered sugar into the air. Many were confused and thought free cocaine was flying around. A local carnie capitalized on the drug lust by selling pixie sticks for $300 a pop. The wheel continued to roll over the bearded woman (who wasn’t a sideshow, but was at the front taking tickets), and out into the city of Miami where it continued to roll into the Atlantic Ocean where those stuck on the wheel drowned and were eaten by sharks. The survivors washed ashore on Cuba where they were taken hostage and forced to work in the sugar can fields.

BIGFOOT PROSTITUTE INTERVIEWED

For your education and entertainment, The Tabloid News has investigated several unique stories in the sex industry, including a Sasquatch who turned to prostitution to survive. Careful wildlife observers may spot the Sasquatch collecting food on the outskirts of the Seattle area, or turning tricks off 5th street downtown.

It started while she was crossing an intersection one night, lost and trying to find her way back to the wilderness. A limousine approached the bewildered Sasquatch, and an unnamed elected official propositioned her. How this unnamed official discreetly bartered for sex with a creature that does not speak English remains unclear. But it worked and she has been in the business ever since.

Standing at 7’2”, 550 pounds and covered in body hair, she tends to attract a certain kind of man. Our reporters have discovered she is mostly hired by upper class men who want to be pushed around or risk their lives mid-coitus. If her Prada shoes and matching bag are any indication, she has become quite popular among the well-to-do. When we asked if she was ever scared for her safety at work, the Sasquatch beat on her chest and grunted loudly. Through a series of gestures she indicated that one customer who tried to get rough had his arm ripped off and was beaten with it until she got tired.

The editorial staff at The Tabloid News may turn this story into a series of exposés on unique call girls. The very flexible Lizard Woman is believed to be the obvious next choice.

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