The Tabloid News Issue XXVIII

Veronica Lake: Editor-In-Chief Pro Temp

FROM THE EDITOR

Finally! After years of actually working as a French maid in this god forsaken office, I've managed to get rid of that lazy whore of a French maid Lily Brooke! Who did she think she was anyway, bouncing around this office in her uniform not lifting a finger to help clean it! What exactly was she paid for anyway! Well it’s my turn now, its me who's sitting in this super comfortable chair now and its me who'll abuse all the power that comes with it! So, in the immortal words of my favorite editors of all time... "On with the news!"

NEW RELIGION FOUNDED

The Church of The Great Sorter hit the nine cities recently. This new path to salvation was brought to us by the prophets and servants of TGS, R.A. Heinlein and Dapper Dan. The Editorial Staff firmly supports this bold new venture, and have not received a $500,000 bribe for the endorsement given by Heinlein in the form of a cashier’s check. Hopefully The Great Sorter will sort this paper in the “read” pile, and not the parakeet cage like The Mafia Gazette.

HOROSCOPE BY CITY

If you live in the city, this will be your fortune . . .

Atlanta – You will make a lot of money selling Peaches. Unfortunately, you will lose it all during a Civil War re-enactment when you get mugged by General Sherman.

Chicago – You will clean out Al Capone’s vault, and seal it for 60 years when it was be opened by a mustachioed newsman who will be disappointed.

Dallas – You will wear a cowboy hat. And it will look good on you.

Detroit – You will have the overwhelming desire to make cars. However, you will be really bad at it, and forget the doors.

Denver – You will experience lack of concentration due to the high altitude, and will spend your entire inheritance on a ferret farm.

Las Vegas – Heat stroke will overcome you, but you will be resuscitated by a stripper who won Stripper of The Year Award . . . in 1889.

Los Angeles – Your movie career will fizzle when you sleep with the producer and they find out you’re rubbish in bed.

Miami – You will experience sand in places sand should never be.

New York – You will die if you visit. But, you will be buried in a I ♥ NY shirt.

STREET SPEECH REVUE

Ed. Note – The opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Tabloid News, or the editorial staff. These opinions were also not written with any great depth of studying the subject matter, meaning we didn’t really listen to the speech before commenting on it.

Lack of Facts by Smitty – I know it all, and am willing to share it with you . . . for a fee.

The Shadow Commission by Dark Soul – The Freemasons wish they were us!

'Open The Box' with Jackie Lewis by Jackie Lewis – This sounds a lot like hide the sausage.

The Church of TGS by Dapper Dan – We want to make money from suckers, and this is the next best thing to a religion created by a science fiction writer.

Has Anyone Seen Muffy by Holy Wench – I want some fish sticks, and can’t find all my ingredients.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,

I live in Denver, and I enjoy travel, but I’m afraid of Dallas. Is this normal?

Signed, JFK

Dear John,

He he, sounds like I’m breaking up with you. Dear Jack, in most cases it would be an irrational fear. In your case, I think a visit to Dallas would be as prudent as sailing a PT boat in front of a Japanese Destroyer. – Red

Dear Red,

Sometimes I want to travel and see the world, but everywhere sounds boring to me. Where should I go?

Odysseus

Dear Odie,

Can I call you Odie? Have you thought about traveling the underworld? It would be quite the odyssey for you. – Red

Dear Red,

I’ve been experimenting with drugs. Is this dangerous?

Signed, Dewey C.

Dear Dewey,

Just keep thinking happy thoughts, Dewey. I'd hate for this to turn into a bad trip. – Red

KALISTA AND DRACULA SEEN ON DATE

Late last night, Kalista was seen on a romantic dinner with Count Dracula, the visiting nobleman from Transylvania. One of our reporters caught up with Kalista shortly before the paper went to the presses to ask her about the evening. “Well, he seemed very nice” she said, “but he refused to take me to my favorite restaurant, Garlic Sal’s Italian Cuisine. And, he got angry with me for wearing the cross necklace my mother gave me for my birthday. Other than that, we had a very pleasant evening, except he kept trying to kiss my neck. I don’t let guys, not even Counts, do that on the first date.” The reporter quit shortly after the interview saying he had hoped to be a real journalist, whatever that means.

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