The Mafia Gazette Issue 160
For All The News That Is News (E&OE)
Saturday, 21st June

THE NEW SWINGERS
By Ruggiero Tuscarella

Chicago is under a new leadership after the death of Mr.Trudge. His successor is a man called Oscar McJunior who is known to be one of the closest men of Mr.Trudge and one of the followers of Trudge’s ideology. He’s the man who took the charge of the Swingers and the city of Chicago. The Gazette wanted to know what would change in the city and inside the organization and to know a bit better about is this Mafioso, Oscar McJunior. After talking with his bodyguards to appoint a meeting it was granted. The interview took place in an uncertain terrace close to the Winston Bergan Avenue. When they took the cloth that was covering my eyes from my head, hi finally could see the Chicago leader in front of me, in a very pleasant scenario. When he sent his bodyguards to leave the room I started what would be a very interesting interview….


Ruggiero- First of all Mr. McJunior let me take a moment to thank you for wasting a bit of your time with me for an interview. Let me get straight to the point. Now that the Swingers have a new leader, the politics and the conduction of the family will change, or you will keep the same work as Mr. Trudge?

Oscar_McJunior- Trudge was a great boss and an amazing friend. I had contacted him previous to him gaining possession of an HQ and we spoke about beginning a family. The reason this worked out so well was because we had common goals and things we wanted to accomplish, as well as being old friends. I served happily under him, and with his having passed, I will be taking over the family where it left off. So, to answer the question, yes I will be keeping things essentially as they were as before.

Ruggiero -What is the project of the Swingers to the Windy City?

Oscar_McJunior- The Swaggers are relatively new. As far as our goals, we have some short term and some long term. At present our attention in turned inwards. But shortly, we will be enforcing a few rules upon Chicago to really get the placed turned around. And no, a lockdown still is nowhere in our minds.

Ruggiero -It's known that the Swingers are one of the most selective organizations when it comes to recruiting. You think that having quality instead of quantity can change the efficiency on the development of the family?

Oscar_McJunior- The Swaggerin' Swingers most certainly are selective. But, in today's world, I would say that a family needs to be what with the number of people who will take advantage of a boss, who is overeager to hit that 20 member mark, by going out and killing members of other families. But aside from that, we are not interested in picking up Joe or Jane Schmoe from the local liquor store. We are being careful and making sure that if you become a Swinger, you will represent the family in the manner I see fit.

Do we have a smaller group than other families? Yes. But as I've said, you won't find one of our members giving a speech in broken English or shooting up the downtown of another city late at night.
Ruggiero – Characterize for me your members.

Oscar McJunior - My members? Well, to put it simply, perfect. A good member in my eyes is one that follows orders while still having enough sense to act on their own without being given direction. They actively participate and do what I ask of them, so, perfect.

Ruggiero- What do you expect from a new recruit? What you want to see of them so you even think on accepting an application?

Oscar McJunior-A new recruit? Well as stated before, I'm rather selective for various reasons. When someone comes to me asking to join my family, I consider many different things. I try to look at the history of their family for one, while also judging the applicant's appearance. First impressions are everything. They need to look the look, talk the talk and walk the walk so to speak.

Ruggiero- In three words tell me what are the values you honor more in the Mafia Code?

Oscar McJunior -Respect is everything. If you enter into this life of ours with respect then you will go far. Respecting those who have come before you and respecting yourself enough to act with a certain level of dignity are all a person's needs to find success. Everything else follows from this single trait.

Ruggiero- What are your points of view of the current society? What would you change in the community?

Oscar McJunior -Society is what it is. Life happens. Once it does, there is nothing a person can do to change the fact. A lot of people enjoy living in the past, as it is more comfortable to do so. This is detrimental to society as a whole though, since most people are living in the past, it can't move forward. What would I change? Nothing really. Maybe the level of awareness of people? Other than that, nothing. I've no delusions that I'm at a level to change an entire country and have no wishes to put myself into such a position.

Ruggiero- You told me that you want to let the society learn or run itself, but You think that a military/political pact between the most influential families in the country could/would do something about some aspects of the community? And for aspects I mean the lack of respect in general, the lack of values, professionalism, and other things like randoming?

Oscar McJunior - I wouldn't say that it lacks those qualities. But anger, hatred and other negative emotions like that can easily overpower a person's sense of respect of a level head. Clearly what is currently going on is a result of feelings that have existed for a long time, passed onto children by the sight of their parent's dead bodies. Pacts have been made before, to no avail. No sort of verbal agreement will change it. The only way to break the cycle is if people on both sides were to sit down and essentially erase the past, or at least put it FAR behind them.

Ruggiero- Alright Mr.McJunior, thanks for giving me some of your time, it was a true pleasure to have the opportunity to interview the Chicago leader. I truly hope everything goes well for you and your members in the future, and in the name of the Gazette I want to wish you the best of luck and the success for the city of Chicago.


MURDER CONVICTION CHANGES FORENSICS
By Daizee Mae

New Zealand - William Bayly is convicted of murder despite the fact that the body of one of his alleged victims was never found. Most of the evidence against Bayly consisted of trace amounts of human hair, bone, and tissue, representing a marked advance in the field of forensics.

Sam and Christobel Lakey disappeared from their farm in Ruawaro, New Zealand, in October, along with their rifles. Christobel's body soon turned up in a pond on the farm with terrible bruising to her face and head, and investigators then discovered fresh bloodstains in both an old buggy and a barn, leading them to believe that Sam had been shot and transported somewhere else.

One of the first suspects was William Bayly, who owned a farm adjacent to the Lakey's, and who was known to have argued with his neighbors frequently. Years earlier, he had been suspected of killing his cousin, but was released due to insufficient evidence. Suggesting to police that Sam Lakey had probably fled after killing his wife, Bayly soon dropped out of sight himself.

Meanwhile, detectives found the missing rifles buried in a swamp on Lakey's property. Following up on a report that there had been thick smoke coming from a shed on Bayly's property on the day that the Lakeys disappeared, investigators found pieces of hair and bones, ash, and shotgun lead in a large oil drum inside the shed. It appeared that Bayly had cremated Sam Lakey's body in this drum.

Tests of the hair and bone fragments from the drum in the shed proved that they were human in origin. Baley was convicted and will hang at Mount Eden Jail in July.


EDITORIAL SECTION
Please note - These views are strictly that of the writer and in no way reflect the views, concerns, or beliefs of the Gazette or its staff.

OUR FAILING PRISON SYSTEMS

Following a recent excursion to the joint, I was struck dumb by the poor, almost backward level of education of the jailbirds in our cities. In this remarkably technological day and age of airships and trans-Atlantic radio transmissions, you’d think our education system would be the best in the world. Well, apparently, you’d be wrong.

And when I say I was struck dumb, I mean it literally. Within a minute of a recent stretch I felt so dumbed down and stupid by osmosis that I began to omit vital vowels from my sentences. I could no longer ask for Spaghetti Soup in the kitchen line without arousing mirth from the guards. It reached a point where even my very name was indecipherable. I became a different person - Ddy Cppr -I was talking to myself about imaginary people - nobody recognized me anymore, I was alone and when I began to guffaw like Cletus of the swamps, I knew something was seriously wrong. I needed help.

Rehabilitation following the experience was difficult, even for me, a man of spectacularly high intelligence and good looks. But thanks to Shinigami and his Japanese poetry lessons, and the kindness and understanding of my family I slowly began to regain my faculties. I regained my identity.

To really get a handle on the problem, I’d like to recount a recent exchange which was, in turn recounted to me by a friend on the inside. There are some sad tales in the jailhouse dear reader, tales of suicidal depression, delusions of grandeur, paranoia and rape. You may find the following disturbing, and the names have been removed:

Prisoner1: What’s a good word?
Prisoner 2: Plz kill me plz
Prisoner 3: Where u?
Prisoner4: I am super
Prisoner 3: Yea
Prisoner1: Dupes are everywhere HAHAHAHAHA
Prisoner5: sgkjdsojhneoiw
(Note to the reader: we can only imagine what this poor man was asking for, and weep at his plight)
Prisoner2: Bubba rapes my azz plz kill me now

I’m sure you’ll agree, the system is letting our inmates down.

So, can we do we do about this? Well, STS is one charity aimed at the rehabilitation and re-education of the prisoners within our failing jails. Their methods are simple and effective, involving the careful and measured use of a prison screwdriver to condition these inmates out of their stupor and only rarely killing them. I met with their spokesman, Pauly McNally last week and he had the following to say:

‘Shank The Stupid is a not-for-profit organization and we believe the best way to educate and rehabilitate these sad wretches is through a continued treatment of pain conditioning. Our clinicians closely monitor former inmates at our West Coast facility and operate a zero tolerance policy. We’ve only had two deaths so far, but they were so far gone that if we hadn’t done it, their own stupidity would have killed them within a very short time-scale. One of our guys just the other day tried to eat his own foot. It’s amazing and incredibly poignant really.’

It’s Inspirational, and I’m sure you’ll all agree, a step in the right direction for our prisons.

Next month I’ll be reporting from inside the STS facility and interviewing family heads about their experiences and methods of rehabilitating the stupid at home.

Eddie Caperri


BUMBLING CROOKS AND CRIMES
By Daizee Mae

THIEF OF FAKE CURRENCY

A thief bashed the plastic glass to get to the $1, $5, $10 and $20 bills inside the Drop-A-Note donation box in the Kentucky Theatre's lobby. But all they probably got were fistfuls of worthless paper, fake bills layered inside to hide the real cash.

"It's sad when idiots can't tell fake money from the real thing," said Steve Brown, president of Kentucky's Mighty Wurlitzer Theatre Organ Project, whose group is using the proceeds from the box to restore a Wurlitzer organ and return it to Kentucky.

The fake bills were black and white and didn't even have serial numbers, Brown said.
The thief, who struck early June 2, made off with little or no money because the box had been emptied that weekend, Brown said.

Since the box was installed at the Kentucky Theatre seven years ago, thieves have periodically loosened the screws, lifted the cover and taken money out, Brown said, probably stealing about $400 in that time.

New, vandal-proof screws that had been installed did their job by being difficult to unscrew. But the thief got into the box this time by smashing in the glass in with a heavy hammer or mallet, Brown said.

The Drop-A-Note box, which will cost $100 to $200 to repair, will be back in the Kentucky Theatre's lobby in a week or two.
~~~

MAN ROBS BANK TO PAY FOR VEHICLE

Cops are hunting a man who allegedly robbed money from a bank to buy a used truck while the salesman waited outside. About 10 a.m. Tuesday, a man took the truck for a test drive from a downtown car dealership. The salesman tagged along and the two went to a bank near 111 Avenue and Darth Road, where he waited inside the truck while the man went inside. The man told the salesman he needed to get money to pay for the truck.

The salesman didn't know it, but the man allegedly passed a note to a bank teller demanding cash. He got the cash and left the bank. He climbed inside the truck and told the salesman he wanted to show the truck to a friend in Sherwood Park before buying it.

He drove the truck to a gas station near the Lakeview trailer park. The salesman had become suspicious, so as soon as the man left the truck to go into the gas station, he took the keys from the truck and called the police. The alleged robber realized what was going on and fled on foot. Cops believe the alleged robber is Darvin Smith, 40. He's a white male who stands about six-foot-one and weighs 230 pounds. He has brown hair and brown eyes and several tattoos including a unicorn on his right shoulder, a dragon and panther on his left shoulder, and a serpent on his upper right arm.
~~~

A LEMONADE STANDOFF

A young girl whose lemonade stand was robbed of $7.50 chased the suspect into a nearby home and called police, who spent nearly an hour trying to coax the man into surrendering.

"The guy came up and was, like, 'Give me your money,'" said Dominique Morefield, who was running the lemonade stand with a group of friends. "I was shocked. It was just my immediate reaction to chase after him."

Dominique dashed after the man who ran into a house, and then she called police. Officers eventually persuaded Steve Tryon, 18, to come outside after 45 minutes and arrested him on a preliminary felony charge of robbery.

Tryon was jailed and was scheduled to appear in court Tuesday. The Vigo County prosecutor's office did not immediately know if he had an attorney.

"I didn't think anyone would come up to a lemonade stand and steal, that's really low," 12-year-old Fred Erstine said. The kids said they would continue to sell lemonade, but with an adult's supervision.


BUSINESS REVIEWS
By Serafina

While in Las Vegas, one of the highlights of the city to be visited is a place called “Oscar’s Playhouse”. Though built within the desert city, the interior is a warm reminder of the owner’s roots on the east coast. One wall has the delightful and ever changing skyline of New York while another has the relaxing image of Miami. Depending on the evening of your visit, one may find the cool, sophisticated nightlife of New York or the carefree, wilder atmosphere of Miami. Whatever night you decide to visit, you will never be disappointed. The owner boasts the finest in beverages, including rare nectars. So, when you have finished in the casinos or they have finished with you, stop by Oscar’s Playhouse for great time.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Needing a place to stay on your visit to Las Vegas, look no further than The Majestic Hotel. This wonderfully old structured building stands apart from the rest of the city due to its age. From the date on the outside of the building it was erected in the year 1804, which would have put it in the middle of the many rushes for metallic riches. The interior has been renovated into a most elegant and inviting location. Some newer features have been added naturally for the common convenience of the guests. The rooms of the four floored building are all top notch and provide the guest with comfort and classiness. The prices of the rooms are extraordinarily reasonable for the location and quality. It is this reporter’s opinion that The Majestic Hotel is a must for anyone planning an extended visit in Las Vegas.


JOKE CORNER

Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas.

One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other.

Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice, and stopped eating them. One year later they were married.

On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down.

He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him.

On his way he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone.

He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly
gas.

Finally he got home and on the door his wife had hung a blind fold for him to wear, so he
wouldn't peek.

She sat him at the table, when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldn't peek until she got back.

Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldn't hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go.

He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad; he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldn't smell it.

He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked up his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers.

After a couple of more farts his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped.

When she took the blind fold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.
~~~

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,” know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
~~~~

Two guys are out in the woods hiking.

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"!

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you…
~~~~

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.

As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my goodness! Am I driving?


HORSE AUCTION REVIEW
By Daizee

$1,000 - $100,000
Samurai One owned by Jack_The_Bear asking price $100,000
Tiny Fire owned by Daizee-Mae asking price $100,000
Breezy Problem owned by Lucian asking price $95,500
Naked Runner owned by Jack_The_Bear asking price $100,000
Nerdy Thug owned by Pin_Barclay asking price $30,000
Slippery Centurion owned by Lucian asking price $99,600
Scrawny Mouse owned by Daizee-Mae asking price $100,000
Lone Drunk owned by Jack_The_Bear asking price $100,000
Silent Boy owned by Jack_The_Bear asking price $100,000
Square Drunk owned by Lucian asking price $98,550
Breezy Flower owned by Jack_The_Bear asking price $100,000
Smokin Gimp owned by Pin_Barclay asking price $40,000
Horny Rat owned by Taste_My_Rainbow asking price $75,000
Castaway Engine owned by Lucian asking price $98,400
Lucky Pimp owned by Revolution asking price $45,000
Blue Bolt owned by Jack_The_Bear asking price $100,000

$101,000 - $500,000
Chocolate Rooster owned by SonnyAndolini asking price $216,940
Liquid Joe owned by Lady-Jesspre asking price $185,969
Mighty Snow owned by Daizee-Mae asking price $125,000
Blue Buddy owned by Sandra_Lee asking price $250,000
Suicidal Mouse owned by Jack_The_Bear asking price $500,000
Chubby Rocket owned by RickTheWrench asking price $500,000
Silent Hello owned by JasonS asking price $500,000
Silent Dash owned by yoda asking price $500,000

$501,000 - $1,000,000
CrossEyed Fireball owned by Sandy asking price $800,000
Ms Mustang owned by JasonS asking price $900,000
Sassy Bubble owned by Regg1e1 asking price $950,000
Bitter Killer owned by SonnyAndolini asking price $516,528
Clumsy Lad owned by DiscoMouse asking price $700,000
CrossEyed Fireball owned by Sandy asking price $800,000

$1,001,000 and over
Florescent Dawn owned by Sandy asking price $2,000,000
Square Tomcat owned by RickTheWrench asking price $1,400,000
Insane Vandal owned by Sandy asking price $1,500,000
Slick Rat owned by Nicholas_Corozzo asking price $1,250,000
Old Problem owned by RickTheWrench asking price $1,450,000
Modern Trouble owned by RickTheWrench asking price $2,250,000

Stable owned horses
Jedi Maniac asking price $146,849
Foul Dancer asking price $149,804
Sloppy Thug asking price $253,106
Retarded PeeWee asking price $26,092

Please note that stock changes daily.
For a complete list of horses available at the auction please visit the stables.

HOROSCOPES
By Serafina

Aries March 21-April 19

Get your people organized -- because nobody else is going to do it! You've got to apply some of that positive mental energy to the social situation if you want to see anything get done.

Taurus April 20-May 20

You're feeling kind of left behind by some trend or idea that just doesn't appeal to you -- but thing should revert to normal before long and those who jumped on the bandwagon will look a little silly.

Gemini May 21-June 21

You're feeling mentally flexible -- much more so than usual! It's a good time to change your mind about things that seemed pretty rigid just yesterday, though others might not agree with you quite yet.

Cancer June 22-July 22

You've got to face up to that financial issue -- it won't ever solve itself and now brings the right kind of energy to make some progress. You may find that people are more willing to help you out.

Leo July 23-August 22

You've got the answer to almost any question lately and that feels great. You should try to stay humble about it, as if you get too cocky, you may find that your powers desert you when you need them most!

Virgo August 23-September 22

You've got to tackle the clutter in a new way -- even if it's not your own clutter! Try to offer your family some advice (or an ultimatum) and see what happens from there. Things can change for the better now!

Libra September 23-October 22

You can see into a friend or family member a bit more deeply now and that should lead to more open communication, to say the very least. It's a great time to build bridges and move on with life.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You feel inspired to redo your look or redecorate your space, though you should put a bit more thought than usual into the process, especially if the inspiration is a radical departure from the past.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

You can get along really well with your people now and it's a great time to make plans together and see if you can dream up a few projects to work on together. Put that energy to good use!

Capricorn December 22-January 19

Now is great for incremental changes -- nothing too radical, though! You may want to get a different haircut, shift responsibilities at work or take care of some light redecorating at home.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

Your hot ideas are making life brighter and better for everyone -- and it's no secret! Don't cover your light, because false humility is the worst kind of arrogance. Make sure that you're talking to everyone important.

Pisces February 19-March 20

It's kind of hard to see all the aspects of your problems or projects today and focus is even harder to come by. It may be a good time to blow off obligations and wait for another time to get back in gear.


WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS

The winning lottery numbers are: 10 14 28 31 37 45
This week there was a single winner. Congratulations.

The Jackpot for next week already stands at $292,500
Don’t forget to go and pick you favorite numbers or give the random picks a try.


CLASSIFIEDS/ANNOUNCEMENTS

It is free to advertise here. Just mail Daizee-Mae with your advert, for it to be included in the next edition.

+ ●• U.S. Poker Tour •● +

♦ ♥ ♣ ♠

Welcome to the U.S. Poker Tour.

The tour will consist of 18 knockout style games, played in a tournament. All game will be played in the form of No limit Texas hold'em. All contestants must fill in the appropiate application form and the required buy-in fee to each game. The first games help will be set as open matches available to anyone within the public, and each city will hold 1 open game. All open games are $250,000 buy-in and all opens are winner takes all 1st prize cash/ or check only which will be presented by the ''Tournament Director'' on the presentation evening night held within the catering City. After all available City games have been completed, the tour changes into the Championship Tour.

Championship Tour:

The Championship Tour is the same as the ''Open'' tour but the buy-in is $600,000 one time buy-in. Also needed is the appropiate application forms and fee paid to the ''Tournament Director'' The Tour Champion will be the competitor with the most consistent finishes on each Championship game. This will be decided in a points table for each placement within that game.

(Example 10th place 1 point. 9th place 3 points ect.)

There will be a 4 place prize pool for the top 4 players.

Overall 1st 45% 2nd 25% 3rd 20% 4th 10% all players must play at every event in each city. If dead there bloodline has full acces to contest as long as they show proof of bloodline.
~~~

Sandy's Racing Program

Sandy's racing program's now available for a limited time.
Let Sandy help you bring home the bacon.
The home of the no win no pay. If you don’t win you don’t pay. Ask about our free weekend program.
~~~

Alphonse's Reconstruction:

Just purchased a new site and need a lot of work done in very little time? Perhaps you just need an old place renovated in order to get more customers through the door. Alphonses Reconstruction is the place for you.. We Promise to deliver top quality designs to help make your new Bar/Restraunt, Pawn Shop, Gun range or whatever it is you require look just how you want it to and for a very fair price.

The Work will be done in an extremely timely fashion and will be placed with a garuntee that the design has not been used before, should the critics come round and say it has we will re-do it for free. Sound fair? So place your orders now and get your properties looking the best around.
~~~

After a long, hard day, wouldn’t it be lovely to just sit back and relax? Are you looking for a quiet place to take friends or business associates?

When in Chicago, go no further than The Underground. Founded by Daizee Mae, it is located on the lower levels of her office building. The small, but cozy establishment is prepared to attend to all of your cocktail needs.
~~~

Chicago Bank and Trust Co.

Currently offering depositors excellent insurance on their deposits. All depositors receive a special key to allow future generations to make use of the funds. To learn more about this business, contact Daizee Mae either at the Gazette or The Underground.


The Mafia Gazette is now recruiting! Think you could handle a career in professional journalism? Contact Daizee-Mae for further details or drop by the head office in Chicago.

About Terms SHOP