The Mafia Gazette Issue 156
For All The News That Is News (E&OE)
Monday 9th June


PLOT TO KIDNAP PANDA ENDS IN DEATHS
By Darkside

On June the 07th Miami All Stars Made man Bob_TheLegBreker lay dead in the streets of Chicago. The exact details of the killing are only just coming to light but the preliminary reports indicate that he entered into talks with a man known only as Activy with reference to kidnapping Las Vegas Citizen Kung-Fu-Panda. It is thought that the plot was to gain arms and ammunition.

The story given to this newspaper is that Bob refused the business offer and tried to inform various families about what Activy had proposed to him. Shortly after Bob went off to the Chicago racetrack to do a spot of betting and word started coming in to him from various sources in LA that his life was in danger.

According to Bob's son his father had refused the offer of a kidnap plot and informed LA of what was being offered to him. His next course of action was to contact Activy to find out why he was informing people that he was the instigator of this plot.

Activy then allegedly went to Chicago to confront Bob and shot the Miami Made man, inflicting a serious injury. Bob retaliated with a failed kidnapping and was sent to jail where the battle continued with both parties rushing to their cells and making makeshift shanks and continuing to battle it out. With no clear winner as Bob was released he checked into the local hospital and went for a rest to heal. It appears that upon Activy's release he found the hospital and killed Bob as he lay asleep trying to recover.

After his death Bob's son BadNews traveled across from the old country to avenge his father and made two very public speeches in the streets to clear his fathers name and call out the attacker. This seems to have come to an end as at the time of going to press he also lays on the mortuary slab dead. Details of this death are unknown.

Shortly before going to press preliminary report where coming in that Activy was gunned down in Dallas by an un-named assailant. Early reports indicate this was over the kidnapping plot against Kung Fu Panda although we are still waiting for confirmed reports on this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the Gazette finally caught up to the famous Panda, he was willing to share his views:

Reporter: Recently, you where part of a kidnapping plot, any idea why?

Panda: No Idea the story was conflicting, I have been known to dabble in weapons a little and have sold some previously to Activity, nothing many small arms, guns, bamboo sticks and the occasional bullet

Reporter: Does this kind of thing often happen to you?

Panda: This is the first occasion I don’t as such deal in arms to the general public but will occasionally sell spares to friends in any family.

Reporter: This full affair led to the deaths of some prominent people in the mafia world. Are you involved in this lifestyle?

Panda: No I don’t condone what’s happened or pay for hits on people.

Reporter: What’s with this entire kung fu thing that’s going around and also……? Are you really a panda?

Panda: As I look in the mirror, I see that I am black and white, cute and furry. Coming from the land of martial arts, I learned young.

I did sleep with a girl once though she didn’t remove her mascara before going to bed and when we woke up the next morning it had ran down her face.

I took one look and thought I had bedded ChiChi the giant frikken Panda. "Oh I wish - she’s a cute one ChiChi"

Reporter: Do you have anything else to add?

Panda: Yes Pandas are an endangered species. *hands Darkside a save the Panda sticker for the bumper of his car*


A SITDOWN WITH THE NEW EDITOR
By Psyche

Psyche: Good day Miss Mae! So how does it feel to be the new Editor of the Mafia Gazette?

Daizee: Good day to you. I am honored to be asked to take on such an important responsibility. Also, a bit nervous. I'm hoping my style of journalism will satisfy the masses and their thirst for news.

Psyche: Could you tell us more about your goals as the new Editor and what changes have you made so far?

Daizee: My goals are quite simple. I wish to get the news to the readers in a timely fashion. Endeavor to have the news be interesting and entertaining. Also, I wish to maintain the best staff in journalism to advance that goal.

At this point, we have managed to get the paper out in a timely manner allowing people to read current news. I have enlisted the assistance of fine journalists who are prepared to do what it takes to get a good story. There have, also, been the start of some fine columns that will run regularly. Hopefully, they will draw in the readers as well.

Psyche: How many staff have you got working for you at the moment? Do they live up to your expectations and can their work be considered good? I heard a lot of them haven't written for the paper before.

Daizee: Currently, I have fourteen on staff. This doesn't include the freelance journalists who offer pieces as well. So far, those who have written have done quite well. As Editor, it is my job to do just that edit, so usually I can take a piece that has good ideas and information and perform a bit of magic on it. Some who have yet to write are good at collecting information from sources that others could not obtain. Others are in training with the Managing Reporter.

Psyche: I've heard you are planning to publish your paper twice a week. Do you think your reporters will have enough events to write about and the unimportant events won't scare away the reader?

Daizee: In this world of ours, there is always news to be had. The secret is to get it out while the incidents are still fresh. I believe we will have enough to support at least twice a week publishing. My reporters are resourceful, if nothing else. The columns are for information and entertainment, but will never be the complete paper.

Psyche: I heard the work as an Editor is rather stressful. Now I've heard you have lots of people helping you, but there are still so many things an editor is responsible for, so tell us your little secret, how do you do it so easily?

Daizee: The position is like any other, it can be stressful. My mother, rest her soul, always said 'Many hands make light work' and that is so true in this business. It's true, I have many responsibilities. More than I was aware of at the time of agreeing to take on the position. Basically, it boils down to organization and delegating. Some things I must do myself, but with a top team helping those items are fewer.

Psyche: I know you've been running the paper just recently, but I have information you've worked in the paper before. Have you ever got any angry letters, blackmail or any fan mail for that matter?

Daizee: My previous position in publication was as Managing Reporter. A fancy title, but when you have no other reporters, useless. In my previous position, I received nothing in the way of mail concerning my position or my writing. With this position on the other hand, I have received very kind letters from important people revealing their pleasure in my work and encouraging me with my endeavor.

Psyche: So I heard your paper is recruiting! What type of people are you looking? What kind of abilities they should have and what should they know about basic reporter job?

Daizee: Yes, we are recruiting both regular reporters and freelance journalists. In my recruiting regular staff, I am looking for people that enjoy writing, investigating, and adventure. As for abilities, it is always a blessing to have someone who writes well, but what most people don't understand is that a good imagination is important as well. A staff reporter can expect to be asked to contribute at least once a week, sent on news tips to hunt down information, and conduct themselves in a professional matter under all circumstance.

Freelance journalists are a totally different aspect of the business. These folks will send stories once in a while or ask if I would be interested in publishing concerning particular situations. These people are just important to me and the paper as my regular staff and are always welcome.

Psyche: The Mafia gazette is already the most sold Journal in the country. What message would you want to send to the community as a signal of appreciation?

Daizee: On behalf of the staff and myself, we wish to thank all of the loyal readers for their patience during the time of change. We look forward to serving the needs of the


CURRENT CITY CONDITIONS AND WARNINGS

City To City
By Daizee-Mae

As of this printing, the following information has been obtained concerning the conditions in various cities around the nation. Wisdom can be sought in heeding these words of warning. The cities that are not listed have failed to contact the Gazette, so a word of caution to those making their traveling or business plans.

New York - Due to extreme violence and revenge action, the entire city has been placed in a Lockdown state. For those unaware of what this means, let me enlighten you. Unless, one is part of the family or has gained special permission, no one will remain alive once arriving in the city. This state will remain until the leaders deem it fit to reopen the city.

Chicago - The city appears to be open to travel and business. Though there are two families making their presence known, neither has placed restrictions on normal business and travel. It is noted that an effort is underway to reduce the muggings and random violence.

Dallas - With two families sharing the city, it appears to be a friendly, inviting atmosphere. Random violence is not appreciated, but mutual training exercises (mugging pacts) are acceptable. Anyone wishing to develop a following in the city limits is asked to consult the current family heads.

Miami - At last check, this city was open to travelers and business people alike. The reigning family welcomes business as long as it is within specifications. The Gazette has been informed that anything unbecoming to the city be it actions or business will be dealt with accordingly.

Atlanta - Currently, the city is open to business and traveling. There will be no random violence permitted and any young individual causing such disturbances will be dealt with accordingly. Likewise for those wishing to begin collecting people and strike out with a new group there is a zero tolerance

Las Vegas - It appears that Sin City is still open to all travelers and business people. Progress is being made to reduce the incidences of random incidents within the city limits. Those wishing to start a gathering of their own are asked to do so elsewhere or prepare for circumstance.


MONSTER’S RANT
By LazarusLong

Idiots of the West

Nietzsche before he died was busily running about trying to make peace with the Concepts out of New York. What happened to Nietzsche you might ask. I will tell you he was assassinated by small minded men from Chicago.

Now these men are not Vegas natives. Some of them used to be from LA, but they are not even there anymore. Last time when the Concepts came west for a killing good time these little people fled the west coast and set up shop in Chicago. One was Santo aka Dimension. Nobody cared, but like Nietzsche kept saying in the streets people from other cities fear the Concepts and Vegas being at peace.

Vegas and New York would be able to devote a little more attention to Chicago if that happened. Maybe Chicago would become a Las Vegas suburb because god knows that if they let an idiot like Santo into their city they are ripe for invasion.

What I've come out today to say is this. Vegas is not LA. Vegas does not want to be LA, and generally we try to let those barbarians do what they want s'long as it doesn't effect us. Outside of a few notable men and women.

Vinny Ricci is good people Sal is good people. I don't really know the rest of you some of you might be as well...

Santo is from LA and he's a moron. He barely speaks English it seems when you talk to him. I would like to just make sure that everyone knows he is not now nor has he ever been a part of Vegas.

I don't want people thinking that we are connected to him. As a matter of fact I will go this far to make sure he is in no way connected with Vegas. I will offer a million dollars to the first person who can show me a you murdered Dimension statement.

Of course that is after he's died. I'll give it a week then I will probably just do it myself. Don't miss your chance to make an easy million....


BUISNESS REVIEWS
By Psyche

DB’s Texas Steakhouse in Dallas owned by DirtyBert is today’s hot pick! It’s a log cabin style restaurant. They specialize in hand-cut steaks and they do it at least two inches thick each one! On the menu they have Rib eye, Flank, NY Strip, T-Bone, Porterhouse and they serve each dish with baked potatoes and spinach salad. The drinks to go with your dish are on the menu and you can have almost everything for a good price, so be careful and don’t overeat!

Lone Star Tea Room is a small shop in down town of Dallas owned by Pookie. And it has just opened! It has the biggest variety of tea in the whole of Dallas and for a reasonable price too. The types of tea they have there are white tea (straight from China!), green tea, black tea, Earl Grey (traditional English tea), as well as some flavored herbals including mint and orange pekoe. You also can have a nibble with your tea too, cake, cookies and the usual things that go with your drink. So don’t delay, visit it today!

Sullivan’s is a small bar located on a desolate street in down town Dallas and is owned by Sullivan. If you’re looking for a place to chill out and relax, it’s the place to be! The bar is stocked with liquors from all over the world and will please any taste. Although shady looking characters can be seen doing business around here and eyeing anyone as they enter, there’s nothing to fear, the place is absolutely perfect if you want to get away and just be by yourself for a little while. The bartenders will great anyone with a friendly smile.


SWEET OR NOT SO SWEET - ADVICE
By Sweets

Dear Sweets:
I am having a problem. I am stuck in jail for life and I have this longing for the gangster type. I cannot help falling in love and wanting to be with them in more ways then one. I want to stop but can't. What am I supposed to do?

Sincerely, Bubba

Dear Bubba:
I really do not know what to tell except that what goes around comes around and one of these days you might get more then you bargained for.

Sincerely, Sweets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sweets:
I am a little old lady who lives alone in fear of even taking a step outside to go to church. Every time I wander outside some goons come and steal my purse from me what should I do? When will the terror stop? The police will not do anything to stop it. Their response is filing a complaint. Any direction would be most helpful.

Sincerely, The pursed snatched old lady

Dear Purse Snatched Old Lady:
I really think that the next time you venture out into our world filled with muggings and drug trafficking, and goons you should try loading your purse with some bricks and when they try to snatch, knock the ever loving crap outta of em. I mean wail on them like they were your red headed step child. That should teach em, for a couple of days anyways.

Sincerely, Sweets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sweets:
I have a question I want to ask you personally. Is it you?

My husband, who leads a less then honest life was caught red handed. He had a lipstick case with YOUR name in it. I heard around town that you are his Goomah? I wanna know. What do you have to say for yourself? I know he is involved, but that gives him no excuse.

Sincerely, Very Pissed off Wife
Dear Very Pissed off Wife:
Wow. First off I have to say that I am very flattered to think that I would be recognized as a Goomah of a gangster.

I have never, nor do I ever intend to disclose to the public any of my business, personal or otherwise. I thank you for the accusation though. If I were you I would definitely get my eyes checked with the doctor because I never even carry lipstick with me. It stays on from first application.
Sincerely, Sweets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sweets,
I am writing to you because I am in desperate need of some help deciding whether or not to help my boyfriend bust out of jail. He was put in there for a false rap. He asked me to smuggle a gun to him and he would be home to get me and split town. What should I do?

Sincerely, Indecisive lover
Dear Indecisive:
Well, I can only tell ya what I would do. If I truly loved him then yeah. Hell yeah. Bust em' out. Try your damnedest.

But if not then, hey move on and find a new guy to schluff around with. But hey do what your heart tells ya to do and good luck.

Sincerely, Sweets


WENMER’S JOKE CORNER
By Wenmer

In memory of Bob_TheLegBreker, a great man who went out of his way to help others.


A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for some food.

She got out her purse and took ten dollars out and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" she asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?" she asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

"Well," she said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman says, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The man said, “Look, I’m a very busy man. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”


CLASSIFIEDS/ANNOUNCEMENTS

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~~~

After a long, hard day, wouldn’t it be lovely to just sit back and relax? Are you looking for a quiet place to take friends or business associates?

When in Chicago, go no further than The Underground. Founded by Daizee Mae, it is located on the lower levels of her office building. The small, but cozy establishment is prepared to attend to all of your cocktail needs.

~~~

The Mafia Gazette is now recruiting! Think you could handle a career in professional journalism? Contact Daizee-Mae for further details or drop by the head office in Chicago.

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