The Mafia Gazette Issue 156
For All The News That Is News (E&OE)
Saturday 7th June

THE DEATHS OF MANY

By Kitty and Oscar McJunior

Early in the morning on June 5, a battle took place that ended two lives in New York. From what information that has been gathered, Capo Sentry has now been identified to be of the bloodline of Dragonfire, decided that he was going to go on a rogue attacking spree for reasons that are still unclear. He gathered money, guns, bullets, and bodyguards and traveled to New York seeking out Boss Krazy_Kripp. The battle erupted between the two men and in the end; Sentry was the first to die. After Sentry's death Krazy_Kripp was sent to prison to await his fate for his part in the shooting. While locked down in a supermax block, he was soon shanked to death by the now deceased Tuarach.

Dragonfire's bloodline has been well known for being extremely poor businessmen. They have started many businesses then could not manage the upkeep. These gentlemen have, also, been well known for starting discussions and leaving when things didn't seem to be going the way they wished them to go. Sentry had made a name for himself by doing these things in addition to making many enemies along the way. For most people, just knowing who Sentry was makes them feel like there was no clear reason why he did what he did. These types of things were not new for this man. Miami is still in a state of shock right now. They were unaware of who exactly Sentry was. The knowledge of who he is now makes them feel uneasy.

New York was unaware that Sentry was not by himself when the attacks were taking place. They were aware of only Sentry, so once Krazy_Kripp killed Sentry they all thought that their leader was safe. No one knew that Tuarach was just waiting behind the scenes to take place in the death of Krazy_Kripp. Once he was sent to jail, Tuarach attacked. With Krazy_Kripp already wounded it didn't take long for Tuarach to shank and kill him. When Krazy_Kripp died, New York did what they felt they had to do; those who they believed were involved in Krazy_Kripp's death were dealt with. Soon after this all took place LuigiGravano stated that he was moving back to New York. Upon his return, the city of New York issued a statement of complete lockdown.

In another incident on the afternoon of June 6, Miami All Star Rumbles soon found his death as well. It was believed that it was Rumbles who ranked Sentry to Made and then to Capo. Rumbles denied this fully until his dying breath. All Stars leader Faustino tried to stop a war before it took place. The only resolve that they could come up with was the death of Rumbles himself. Soon people came after him. Rumbles soon killed New York man Oppenheimer when he came to Miami after Rumbles. Oppenheimer shot and missed Rumbles 6 times before Rumbles killed him in jail. He tried to contact people to let them know that he had nothing to do with the matter, but he was killed before he could get a response back.

All are still in a state of shock over the events of those two days. Miami All Star Albert had this to say," I would also just like to say that my friends in New York have my deepest condolences for the loss of Krazy_Kripp, he was a great man I spoke with him many times, I am sorry that he died and even more sorry that he died at the hands of Miami Rogues."


ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE ON THE TWO DAY INCIDENT
By Psyche

At the day of June 5th early morning gun shots were heard in the New York streets. The New York Boss, Krazy Kripp of the Conceptualists, was being shot at by a Capo named Sentry of the All Stars. In the first two shots Sentry almost wounded Krazy Kripp to death. Krazy fought back what resulted in Sentry’s death. Krazy Kripp was killed in jail by an unknown Sentry’s friend. It is believed that Sentry wasn’t alone before the fight too and that Kripp was wounded before the shoot out even began.

After that, Capo LuigiGravano immediately announced the retirement of his family The Deadly Sinners in Detroit and rushed to join the Conceptualists in New York to help his friends if it was the case of a war between New York and Miami. It is believed that Sentry by the help of the accountant once more isn’t really dead. A few people showed up to his funeral and stated their opinion clearly about his death being fake. We do not know how much of it is true, but it’s known he had done it before. A person suspected to be him, which is DragonFire, is still alive and was last seen on June 5th, around Sentry’s time of death in Las Vegas. In the end it is a must to be said, that Krazy Kripp’s death is indeed a great loss to the Conceptualists family. And all it’s known about Sentry’s motives is that he went rogue. But is that really it?

The Gazette was able to speak to a person who’s been involved in the events of June 5th and perhaps could clear a few things out for the reader.

1. First of all Mr. Ronin what was your involvement in June 5th day’s events and their reasons?

You know Ms Reporter lady. I’m the eternally misunderstood by the East. What was my involvement? Simple: I told Sentry who to kill, made sure he was properly prepared, and then let the games begin. Watching and guiding from the background.

2. What do you think were the reasons behind Sentry's attack?

Well Sentry was always going to go rogue. I merely picked up on that at the right time, literally that same day, so a stroke of luck for me in that sense. I agreed to finance him and he agreed to do my bidding. A most profitable relationship.

So I think the question should be: what were the reasons behind my attack? Simple again. Revenge for my father: Shinobi. Kripp came from NY to Vegas some time ago and randomly started shooting up the place, killing me in the process. I had no BG’s left, but I never run. I will say this, ANYONE who comes to Vegas and randomly kills will be hunted down. I will use all my cash, all my contacts, hunt them down and kill them. I will create strife in their families and by any means possible make them hurt. If that involves killing their friends, I will do that also. An eye for eye.

3. Are the rumors true he was Las Vegas funded and persuaded? Some even say he was a Las Vegas man himself in deep cover.

First question: yes. Second question: no. As I say it was sheer luck I stumbled across him. His father’s father I expelled from my family for not meeting my standards, and I have never worked with him since until that day.

4. Do you happen to have any information regarding how many persons were involved?

Of course. 2.

5. And perhaps you have any thoughts or information regarding that some claim Kripp himself wasn't in the best of shape before the assault on him?

He wasn’t after the second shot when Sentry nearly fataled him. One thing I will say is I respect him deeply for not running. That is the sign of a true warrior.

6. What's the word on the man who finally laid Kripp to rest? Are they still out they're armed and dangerous?

Tuarach? He is dead alas.

7. And how do you believe the death of Kripp may have affected these things of ours, word is Luigi has went back to his former home. Are The Conceptualists lacking in any strong leadership since Kripp's fall?

No. Look at me I am low ranked, but still give strong leadership. The question isn’t: are the concepts weak. It is: are we all weak? And the answer is yes. Our land has suffered, and it is time to stop the bloodshed, but in that sense I sound like a broken record. Will it happen? I can only hope.


A GAZETTE EXCLUSIVE

A GLIMPSE INTO THE LIFE OF A CONCEPTUALIST
By Jade

Conceptualist. To most people, the word has significant meaning, whether it fills them with pride or hatred. After all of the unbalanced reports on the feuds with the East vs. the West, I decided to get down to the bottom of things. I attempted to contact Krazy_kripp for an interview, but he was tragically killed literally minutes after speaking to Nero_DeSantis, the unofficial PR rep for the Conceptualists. Nero agreed to contact Dominick_Desantis, Beppe, LuigiGravano, CharlestonCharlie, and WarwickHunt for a round table-style interview. We met at an undisclosed time and location in the city of New York.

Jade: Hello, everyone. I want to thank you all for taking the time out of your schedule to speak with me today. Before we begin, are there any questions?

Nero: Hello Miss Jade, yes I do have a question for you; you bring any cookies for us?

Jade: (passes a box of cookies over to Nero)

So, no more questions? Great! So let's get started. Whenever someone thinks about "New York", the name "Conceptualist" pops into mind. What does it mean to be a Conceptualist?

Dominick: To me to be a Conceptualist is about being a part of a family. We are no longer just a bunch of shooters. We are a family that protects one another. We won't just stand and let one of our own die like the rest whom claim to be a "family". We won't pay someone off either.

Nero: To me being a Conceptualist means being part of a true family, even though the family is known to be consisting of soldiers, we all should remember that Men of Honor are considered "Soldati". I believe that is why we are so much hated, and even loved, for being one out of few families in this country who's a true family, a united one at all times.

Beppe: To be a Conceptualist is to be part of what others strive to be in, a true family. Our strong bond is what separates us from the majority within this society. Personally I have many close friends outside of New York and would not wish for them to get involved in matters, which may put them at risk, even if they felt some personal obligation to do so. Asking this of a Conceptualist would be an insult.

Luigi: To me being a conceptualist means being part of a true and united family. One with honor and respect. I have witnessed first hand what its like to be in other families and none of them compare to being in the conceptualists.

Charleston: Everything!

Warwick: For me it's all about family and history. We have all been together for the best part of 3 years, through the good times and bad. I would gladly lay down my life for any of my brothers and have no doubts they would do the same for me.

Jade: I noticed that the Concepts constantly mention "11.05" What does it stand for?

Charleston: It's a point in time when the Family started.

Warwick: 11.05 is the month and year we were formed November 05.

Dominick: Pwning gaces since 11.05.

Jade: Why do you think the Concepts have lasted for all of this time?

Warwick: We had some quality founding members. I don’t like to bandy the word legends about too easily but to me some of those guys were legends. We also actually had a pretty democratic decision making process between us. That helped a lot.

Nero: For the same reason as I stated earlier, being a true family and united means outliving those who seek to destroy you, and even if they win a battle, they will never win the war in the end. Conceptualists never really die; we rise from the ashes and multiply.

Beppe: (quoting Nero's words)
“Conceptualists never really die, we rise from the ashes and multiply.."…What’s that like…Some sort of horny Phoenix?…Put down the comic books already, you’re forty seven for fuck sake!”

(laughs and smacks Nero across the head)

Heha, personally I think we have lasted so long because if any of them ever left, they know the insults would just get worse with every passing day.

Luigi: Because we never really die. Sure [we] may get killed from time to time but the true soldiers behind each and every [generation] live on and fights another day. We conceptualists do not know the meaning of defeat that’s why we are always here and probably always will be.

Charleston: Great bunch of mates that would do anything for one another.

Jade: Recently, Albert of the Miami All Stars said that the members of his family were not Conceptualists. There were people who strongly disagreed with his statement, claiming that there were people displaying "11.05" on their person. Some even say that all of the families east of Chicago are "Conceptualist crews". What are your thoughts on that?

Dominick: Some are just stupid and see as they only want to. Sadly they will never learn.

Charleston: I don't care, let anyone think what they like. What more can be done than him telling people they are not.

Warwick: Hilarious in my opinion. Nothing much more to say on the subject.

Beppe: I think when someone doesn’t understand something they just resort to an easy answer.

Nero: I believe the West sees what it wants to see, anything to them out "East" is Conceptual so to speak, as for carrying the 11.05 tag, why not? Those who do, do so with pride. I see nothing wrong with that, and that does not mean the family they're in is a Conceptualists family, it's a honorary thing, to honor those whom they call brothers and sisters, but at the same time by not being in New York with us, they show that they are devoted to the families they currently represent, and we respect their choice to do so.

Luigi: My thoughts on that is certain people within this mafia community only hear what they want to hear which is a shame because they do not understand the true points that are trying to be made.

Jade: New York vs. Las Vegas. Can you recap for our readers who missed the war as to what happened? I understand that Los Angeles entered the war as well. And how did it feel to lose your esteemed leader HellBells, as well as several other prominent members of your organization?

Beppe: Losing family is never a pleasant thing; we tried to broker some peace and understanding…we didn’t have to, we just felt that maybe western thinking had changed and that it was better for the community at large to do so. It would seem our efforts were in vain. I am proud of every one of them who worked to that end, people label Conceptualists as murders and common thugs… We’ll I say to those people, when your family dedicates the lives of two Bosses, three or more Capos and a host of Made men for the benefit of others, come back to me.

Dominick: I have no comments about the LV war. It saddens you to see such a high rank be killed so easily. It seems that nowadays its almost better to stay of a lower rank.

Nero: My great grandfather had just gotten back from his vacation to see this war start, he was asleep at the time when it started and hasn't really told me much about it. I know we lost a great leader in Hells Bells, also that we lost John Branco a Made Man the same night and a Wise Guy that went by the name Meatloaf. Why this all started, who knows. All I know is the next day my great grandfather laid dead, and the one to take over after Hells Bells, Mr. KiD was also slain. My respects go out to all of them, great soldiers, and great leaders. New York does tend to raise the finest there is, think we can all agree to that.

(looks at his fellow Conceptualists and smiles, turns to face Jade again)

Charleston: Was way too stoned to remember details like that! All I know is I'm still mourning every Concept that died in the war.

Luigi: I have nothing to say about the war although i would just like to add whenever we lose a fellow conceptualist it is always a sad day.

Warwick: No comment was [out of town] at the time :/

Jade: And recently, with the death of Krazy_Kripp...do you know who was behind that attack, or why it took place?

Luigi: I do know the details but again i would not like to comment.

Charleston: No comment.

Beppe: Well there wasn’t any mafia reason as such, given Mr Kripp was always an advocate of peace, so I’ll put my money on jealousy of his position, bloodline killing and such things.

Dominick: Krazy was a great man. Why it took place is because the West can't get over how good he was. So they had to show their true side. Yes the West are as random as random gets. None of them will let the East vs. West thing go. No matter what happens. They say we always hold the grudge against them, but yet Krazy was the one to let them rebuild. And this is why this thing of ours will never go anywhere.

Nero: I've been asked about this plenty of times already today to be honest, but I won't leave you out of the loop ma'am. A certain Capo by the name of Sentry was who attacked Mr. Kripp in New York, our Boss killed Sentry not long after finding out who it was that was attacking him, but as he put that bullet through Sentry's head, he was arrested and put behind bars, where one of Sentry's associates killed him. We still have no idea to why the moron attacked Mr. Kripp, all we know is that his actions and those who followed him, now caused business for outsiders to be stopped in New York City.

Warwick: A cheating duplicitous cont by the name of Dragonfire was the main instigator. Everyone else involved is now below the ground.

Jade: New York once had a passport system where no one was allowed to enter the city without one. Are there any policies in New York at the moment that we should know about?

Dominick: New York is currently on lock down.

Beppe: It is on lockdown.

Nero: I announced today, June 5th. That New York is now on lockdown. The people you see in this room right now are the only ones who have authority to grant anyone below the rank of Made Man to enter the city. For the time being no man or woman above the rank of Wise Guy will be let to enter New York, that is for our own safety, and as a family, safety of our own members comes first.

Charleston: Lockdown.

Luigi: Apart from the fact it is on full lockdown? Nothing else you need to know about.

Warwick: The local authorities would urge people not to travel here. Our local morticians can't keep up.

Jade: Do you see peace in the near future between the Western and Eastern feuds - when it comes to certain bloodlines?

Charleston: I'm easy, I go with the flow.

Luigi: I would like to say yes. We are always looking for peace but its hard to do so at times with people who will go to extreme measures to try and prevent it.

Nero: To be honest....I don't. The people who hold a grudge will keep attacking those they hate, it's inevitable. Sad but true ma'am.

Dominick: Nope never will. They will always be jealous of how good The Conceptualists get. We work as a family as where they work as a save my own ass.

Beppe: : A peace between the coasts I would hope there will be, as far as the bloodline thing goes…nah, I very much doubt it. The Carlini episode is an example of this, he was the leader of the family out west, his people went on a shooting spree without his authorisation and he quite genuinely said he couldn’t do much about it, as they would not listen to him. We’re going to be sitting back down again for talks to try and resolve the issue…

(leans forward in his chair and turns to the others)

…Oh I forgot to mention…got a call earlier, half three in the fucking morning, can you believe that? Still waiting on details, but I ain’t going unless they put on some sort of spread.”

Warwick: All I can say on that is watch this space.

Jade: And last, but certainly not least, what future plans do you have for the Conceptualists and the city of New York?

Warwick: Business as usual I’m afraid. Protect our own interests and ignore the rest of the world.

Nero: Since the death of Mr. Kripp was sudden, and we're currently reorganizing the family and making sure the lockdown is held. We will have to get back to you on this question when everything else is in order, I think.

Beppe: Well hopefully this lockdown will transpire without much bloodshed, after that, I hope we can get back to running our own internal business, I have become quite insular in nature given recent events so I really don’t want to be bothered with things that do not concern our city.

Luigi: Future plans will involve a lot of time being spent on the family trying to reorganize and build up once again.

Dominick: Well I see us getting the first Godfather.

Charleston: I plan to fund the build of a great building, as high as the eye can see and name it Empire States. But get back to me on this one at a later date.
(end of transcription)

Well there you have it - a glimpse into the Conceptualists' past, present, and future in our world.



LATE NIGHT SCANDAL
By Kitty

Late Night Scandals
Early in the morning on Monday there was a robbery at one of the biggest French maid outfit dealers in the city. There were people lining the streets all night long for the grand opening of the newest design of French maid outfits. Men and women alike slept on the streets just waiting their turn to get into the store. This was to be one of the biggest new designs of the year. Not only were the outfits to be smaller and tighter, there was a grand array of colors and new accessories to go along with the outfits.

As the people lined the streets in the back others had their own agendas. As the huge truck made its way to the back of the story, others were ready for their first grabs. The truck driver reported that he had just enough time to get out of the truck and open the lock on the doors when he was ambushed by many men and women alike. There was no clear description of the assailants, only that they had many tattoos and earrings and spoke with a funny accent. They hit him in the head and he dropped like a brick.

The store owner was in total shock when he arrived to the store and found the truck driver beaten and gagged on the concrete floor and the truck completely empty. After checking on the driver he called the police. "I can't believe this happened," said the worried shop owner, "I was only running a little late. I had already had a terrible time trying to get into the store as it was. These people are crazy I tell you, crazy. Then to come and see that the entire shipment was gone, just like that, I can't believe this."

The officers on scene had had nothing helpful to add. "This is surely a piece of work," said the chief of police, "for these people to come in and do this so quickly it is a little amazing if you ask me." The police couldn't find anything on the scene. The alley was blocked by a huge fence. Police still can not figure out how so many people hid themselves so well in such a little place without being seen by anyone.

With no real clue on the number of robbers or their exact description the police surely have their work cut out for them on this one. The only real clue they have to the entire mess is their mark. They left a star tattoo on the truck driver’s cheekbone. If you ask me, this is only the beginning for this new band of robbers. The store owner plans on getting another shipment in a couple of days.


TORTURING OF FRANKIE TOMALINO
By Mortisha

Today it is Miss Frankie Tomalino’s honor that I have the time between torturing appointments to speak to her regarding her rise to power. Miss Tomalino, once we have completed our interview, I would be happy to discuss ways of maintaining loyalty, so to speak.

Mortisha: So, did you plan this takeover yourself or did your boss not take torture well?

Frankie: Plan? Heavens above no! I was so sad to see Carlini die; he was a lovely guy and was a true Mafioso. I have only been in this land a mere few months, so to become Capo of Vegas was certainly never a plan. However, I like the idea of torture I shall have to make a note of that one. Don’t give lessons do you?

Mortisha: As a matter of fact I do give lessons, but we can discuss that afterward. Now that you find yourself in charge, will there be changes? If so, how will it affect your family and the community at large?

Frankie: Life is change, and change is life. The family will be guided as it always has been. Ronin is here by my side, and each day I grow more knowledgeable. As long as there is no more rogue activity, things should come along very nicely for the family and the community in general. Which is, after all we’ve ever wanted.

Mortisha: Out in Las Vegas, has anyone opened a torture cell yet? If not, would there be any problems with such an operation in your city?

Frankie: No torture cells sadly. We have crabs, gimps, crab gimps, nipple tassels and buttock fetishists. Torture was certainly on the list of things we must work on. If you come over some time perhaps you can show me with some proper girl on girl action!

Mortisha: I would be pleased to visit only if you provide your own partner. I have a stable filled with gentleman. How long did you torture the man who killed your boss? Did you make sure that he was distributed among his family members?

Frankie: Firstly I stretched his buttocks wide... hold on, hold on. That was someone else. Sorry. Erm, to tell the truth I did want to pluck out his eyeballs and plop them into my mouth but I decided a nice simple bullet was more professional, no disembowelment at all sadly.

Mortisha: What an opportunity lost. With the possibility of repercussions, will you preparing your family for possible attacks and how will that play out with many of your members already rotting in their graves?

Frankie: God knows. To tell you the truth, we want peace, we always have and we are in talks to bring this about for the stability and betterment of the community in general. And don’t you know Las Vegas people don’t rot in their graves!?!? They evaporate into thin air upon death and their spirits are then reincarnated into a new body. Except poor Ronin, three times he has been forced into the carapace of a little crablet and forced to roam only from side to side, never forwards. The life of a crab is beyond a mortal like ones self‘s, understanding.

Viva Las Vegas!


MORALITY
By Milton

The choices we make in life are what define us as a person. What we do shapes who we are. But who decides what is right, and what is wrong? Society? Hah! Don’t make me laugh. So-called fair and just governments and juries… They’re more crooked than the criminals they look down upon.

In an ideal world, I guess common sense would prevail, and people would know just what is ‘crossing the line’. However, who says the line is not to be crossed? Who is to say that rules aren’t there to be broken?

We do not live in an ideal world. The world is full of people who would screw you over for the price of a cup of coffee, and not even stop to give it thought. The world is a dangerous place, and in this dangerous place, we have to think twice about our morals, and our principles. We need to carefully examine what right and wrong even mean. An example from a famous book you may have read:

Thou shalt not kill.

That’s rich. The bible itself is full of confusion and contradiction. Thou shalt not kill… What about the flooding, the great plagues, those so-called acts of God, and you’re not supposed to kill? There’s another little phrase that I like. Lead by example.

So what example can we take from The Almighty? Let me give you a little inside information here… God likes to watch, He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man ‘instincts’. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, His own private, cosmic gag reel?! He sets the rules in opposition! It's the goof of all time. Look, but don't touch... Touch, but don't taste… Taste, but don't swallow! And while you're jumping from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughing His sick, fucking ass off! Worship that? Well… that’s up to you…

See another thing about morals; they’re all down to personal choice. Sure, there are laws and standards that people set, but it’s up to you whether you break them or not. No law can stop you from doing what you want; there just might be consequences afterwards, is all. Your decisions, your future, the very way you shape yourself, it’s all down to you.

There is a place in this world for everyone. If we didn’t have bad guys, we wouldn’t have hero’s either, think about that over your morning coffee.


IN OTHER NEWS
By Daizee

WASHINGTON - United States Executive Order 6102

It was announced that President Franklin Roosevelt signed into law the "United States Executive Order 6102". This new order will prohibit the "hoarding" of privately held gold coins and bullion in the United States. The government will be requiring holders of significant quantities of gold to sell their gold at the prevailing price of $20.67 per ounce. It is claimed that the reasoning for this new order is to provide stability for the paper money which is printed in several mints around the country.

DUST BOWL SUNDAY

Dust bowl storms are just as they sound. It’s a phenomenon which occurs when the winds pick up to great speeds collecting dust from the barren grounds. Once the winds pick up this dust, they take on the appearance of a dirt blizzard. The Dust Bowl conditions are a result of misuse of land through intensive farming with little thought of soil conservation and years of sustained drought causing millions of acres of farmland to become useless, and hundreds of thousands forcing to leave their homes looking for food and work.

Last Sunday, twenty of the worst storms occurred turning the day into night. These storms did not look like a normal dust storm as they were very black and given nicknames like "Black Dark Blizzards" and "Black Rollers" because visibility was reduced to a few feet. Witnesses reported that they could not see five feet in front of them at certain points and the storms traveled thousands of miles across the country dumping the black mess wherever they went.

MONTER’S RANTS
By Nietzsche

One Way Loyalty

You know when my family first came to these shores things were different. Monster's first family as a brand new American criminal was a street crew under Torres. I doubt he even remembers that, but I do.

After Monster died he ended up in Las Vegas and seeing Mrs. Glowy shooting at a mugger gave her a couple of his bullets not knowing how much bullets were worth. That simple gift changed Monster's and every member of his family to follow. Glowy took Monster in hand and introduced him to the man later to be known as Uncle Ronin, but who at that time was just known as Boss, or sir.

Ronin deserved that respect for a reason. Ronin looked out for his people if you killed one of his guys or gals there would be FUCKING CONSEQUENCES. I used the capitol letters for a reason because Ronin showing up to avenge a family member was definitely a BIG deal....

Now when I look around I see connected guys getting killed and nobody gives a shit. You'll see three guys jump one guy and kill him, but instead of that guys boss killing everyone involved they act like it didn't happen.

When a member of my family signs up with a crew I will do or die for them, and I expect the same in response. Ronin used to hit his own guys when they fucked up it was accepted and he still loved them, and most of the time their sons came back to the fold and tried to do better. There was never going to be some other family killing one of his guys without him doing something about it though.

Maybe my expectations are too high maybe I shouldn't expect my bosses to be loyal to me. Maybe loyalty should go only one way, but I am still a romantic at heart I guess, and one way loyalty to me is despicable.

Bosses please take this to heart look after your people stop letting them die. If one of your guys mess up then do your own work...loyalty should go two ways or our whole thing will just fall apart.


WENMER’S JOKE CORNER

The Golf Game

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
~~~~

Drunken Man and Blonde

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
~~~~

Camouflage Clothing

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."


WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS

The winning lottery numbers are: 17 19 23 29 37 43
This week there was a single winner. Congratulations.

The Jackpot for next week already stands at $5,205,000
Don’t forget to go and pick you favorite numbers or give the random picks a try.


HORSE AUCTION REVIEW
By Witchy

$1,000 - $100,000
Hurricane Maniac owned by Daizee-Mae asking price $100,000
Sad Rascal owned by Lazarus-Golding asking price $50,000
Famous Problem owned by Witchy asking price $59,999
Cool Engine owned by Lucian asking price $98,000
Little Summer owned by Witchy asking price $59,999
Doubtful Devil owned by Revolution asking price $47,000
Good Moonwalker owned by Daizee-Mae asking price $100,000

$101,000 - $500,000
Scrawny Mouse owned by Daizee-Mae asking price $150,000
Stormy Snake owned by The_Pie asking price $125,000
Colorful Flower owned by The_Pie asking price $350,000
Dead Boy owned by John_Milton asking price $400,000
Missing Rockstar owned by John_Milton asking price $150,000
Silent Dash owned by yoda asking price $500,000
Swift Sue owned by RicardoTatero asking price $250,000
Dirty Castaway owned by Daizee-Mae asking price $150,000
Cool Bully owned by Daizee-Mae asking price $150,000

$501,000 - $1,000,000
Retarded Man owned by Donny_Belleti asking price $950,000
Insane Weasel owned by Blunty asking price $750,000
Foul Dancer owned by DP30jr asking price $1,000,000
Clumsy Lad owned by DiscoMouse asking price $700,000
Green Rose owned by Blunty asking price $600,000
Magic Rebel owned by Jack_The_Bear asking price $500,000

$1,001,000 and over
Futuristic Vandal owned by JackKevorkian asking price $1,500,000
Disturbed Hooker owned by RickTheWrench asking price $1,350,000
Chocolate Lightning owned by RickTheWrench asking price $1,200,000
Bitter Fish owned by Nicholas_Corozzo asking price $1,500,000
Bitter Nut owned by JackKevorkian asking price $2,000,000
Futuristic Vandal owned by JackKevorkian asking price $1,500,000

Please note that stock changes daily.
For a complete list of horses available at the auction please visit the stables.


HOROSCOPES
By Daizee-Mae

Aries March 21-April 19

Your fiery energy is so spectacular that people might duck and cover around you! It's a great time to make things happen -- your job is to give off the spark that really gets the party going!

Taurus April 20-May 20

No matter how well or badly things seem to be going for you, now is a good time to bring in an outsider to help settle disputes. All but the most intimate should be resolved pretty quickly and easily.

Gemini May 21-June 21

You've been spending a lot of time thinking lately, but now is the best time to snap into action. You may need to try a few new tricks in order to really push your plans out into the world.

Cancer June 22-July 22

Money issues are on your mind, though they are much simpler right now. The situation boils down to a single, fairly large, expense -- and whether or not you can really afford it. Make sure you know all the details.

Leo July 23-August 22

You feel great -- and you look great, too! Your personal energy is projecting out pretty far into the world today and others should love what they see when you're nearby. Work what you've got!

Virgo August 23-September 22

You can adjust to almost anything right now and ought to find that people are more than happy to flow along with you. It's a good time to show the boss -- or your mate -- how flexible you can be.

Libra September 23-October 22

You've got to deal with the big picture right now, even if you're more comfortable frolicking with the tiny details. If you're eyes aren't firmly on the prize, though, you may wander off course.


Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Something small is starting to grind on you, so much so that you might need to do something shocking. That's okay -- people understand when stress gets to be too much, as long as you don't hurt anyone!

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

Little things go your way right now and they may add up to a better mood by the time things roll in. You may find a few bucks tucked inside something you'd forgotten about or hear from an old flame.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

Work-related issues could get pretty hard to deal with right now, as everyone is looking out for themselves and there's just way too much ego in the room. Try to bring everyone back down to earth.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

You're finding it difficult to get your ideas across right now, because people keep pointing out contradictions. Use them as learning tools and revise your plans for the next time you present them.

Pisces February 19-March 20

Try not to get too involved in the strange business going on among friends or coworkers. It might end soon -- but not if you decide to take sides! Play referee if you must, but try to just ignore it.


CLASSIFIEDS/ANNOUNCEMENTS

It is free to advertise here. Just mail Daizee-Mae with your advert, for it to be included in the next edition.


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~~~

After a long, hard day, wouldn’t it be lovely to just sit back and relax? Are you looking for a quiet place to take friends or business associates?

When in Chicago, go no further than The Underground. Founded by Daizee Mae, it is located on the lower levels of her office building. The small, but cozy establishment is prepared to attend to all of your cocktail needs.
~~~

The Mafia Gazette is now recruiting! Think you could handle a career in professional journalism? Contact Daizee-Mae for further details or drop by the head office in Chicago.

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