The Tabloid News XXVI
Pirate Pickles: Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

Ahoy and avast, and all the other good Pirate words. I’ve returned from my plundering and pirating to run The Tabloid News offices left vacant by Editor Pickles. I see everything seems to be in order around here. I hate having to retrain the children to run the printing presses. They start whining and complaining about safety and child labour laws. And, the French Maids have kept this place spotless. Excellent work, ladies. Now, on with the news . . .

DARK ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT

After a raucous night of drinking, noted drunkard, Dark, allegedly passed the local nunnery on his way home when he saw a midget nun. He grabbed her, and accused her of being a talking penguin. She took offense, but forgave him in the finest manner of the church. Then, he accused her of silently judging him and staring up his nose. Becoming more and more angry, Dark then grabbed the midget nun and tossed her back over the wall of nunnery shouting, “Hey, look, a flying nun!” Despite the forgiveness taught in the Bible, the nun pressed charges against Dark. The trial is set for next week.

DONALD LOCKWOOD IN SEXUAL HARASSMENT LAWSUIT WITH MONKEY

Donald Lockwood, esteemed leader of the Chicago crew, Bella Gente, is in a lawsuit with his monkey butler, Mr. Chimpy. Both the monkey and Lockwood have filed suit against each other. According to information from both side’s lawyers, Mr. Chimp had worked with Lockwood for several years, and during that time alleged improprieties took place. Both parties have accused each other of inappropriate contact and flinging poo. Both parties have denied these allegations.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,

People tell me I’m too arrogant. Is this true?
Hubris

Dear Hubris, it’s hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way.
Red

Dear Red,
I’ve become very angry with my sister whom I live with. How can I exact my revenge?
Mortisha

Dear Morty,
Can I call you Morty? Move out, and take all the lightbulbs with you. Rumour has it that Daizee likes to be left in the dark anyway.

GAZETTE EDITOR’S CREDENTIALS FOUND FRAUDULENT

Newly appointed Mafia Gazetted Editor, Daizee Mae, has been found have falsified some of her credentials. After a thorough background check, The Tabloid News has discovered that Daizee’s Journalism degree from Harvard University was forged. Also, Daizee never worked for the Poughkeepsie Post or the Bloom County Times-Picayune. The truth is that Daizee attended Harvard University, but was expelled as soon as the administration realized it was a clerical error that gave her entrance. She was, however, educated at the Harvard Driving School For Women, receiving a certificate of completion. We have received transcripts from said driving school. She received very low grades for her driving test. Her journalistic experience stems only from making hats out of folded newspapers for children’s birthday parties. Despite the lies and deceit she perpetrated to achieve her position as Editor-In-Chief of The Mafia Gazette, the staff of The Tabloid News wishes her the best of luck editing the second best newspaper to ever hit the nine cities.

MORTISHA REALLY A GOOD PERSON, EVIL PERSONA JUST AN ACT

In a textbook case of what psychologists call a defense mechanism, Mortisha’s evil persona is merely an act to protect her from her own shyness. “Because she’s very shy in social situations, she would rather people think her evil instead of just scared” said Dr. Sidney Freidman, noted psychologist. In fact, Tabloid News reporters have discovered that Mortisha spends most of her free time helping to feed and clothe the homeless, reading stories to sick children in hospitals, and finding homes for orphans. She also enjoys arranging fresh flowers from her garden, and taking them to the retirement home for the enjoyment of the elderly.

PUBLIC SPEECH REVIEWS BY PIRATE PICKLES

Not everyone has the time to spend wandering the streets listening to everything everyone is saying, so we at the Tabloid News are now offering a feature giving the highlights of some of the street speeches.

Ed. Note – The opinions expressed in this feature are not necessarily well thought out or even coherent.

Title of Speech: Perpetuating the Cycle

Orator: John_Milton
Synopsis: War. Good god, y’all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

Title of Speech: The Masterplan
Orator: Oscar McJunior
Synopsis: I want to take over the world, even if I have to start one myself.

Title of Speech: Messenger for Murder
Orator: Pirate Pickles
Synopsis: The speaker likes to tell very long stories.

Title of Speech: Atlanta – A Fresh Start
Orator: Donny Belleti
Synopsis: I like peaches, and I have them all now! Hahahahaha!

Title of Speech: Regarding New York – Good Ol’ Lockdown
Orator: Nero DeSantis
Synopsis: Stay out of our yard, you damned kids!

THE OLD MAN NEEDS TO SHUT UP! AN EDITORIAL

The editorial staff of The Tabloid News wishes to express the following opinion.

The old man is a rambling fool who needs to be quiet. From time to time he might mutter some useful information, but all too often the people he talks about are long since dead, memories from his youth I suppose. And, another thing . . . I admire his loyalty to his favorite baseball team, but the editorial staff at The Tabloid News highly doubts the Cubs will win the World Series any time soon. He calls us over, and, since we respect our elders here, we always listen. Then, he tells us about the Chicago Cubs winning the Series, taking up valuable time from us while old ladies walk past with purses full of cashed retirement checks. Enough already! The old man needs to be sent back to the home for the aged and feeble minded.

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