The Tabloid News XXV
Editor Pickles: Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

It’s been a long time since I’ve pecked out a new edition of The Tabloid News. Far too long. There is a lot of news that needs to be reported to all of you. And, I’m about to do it. So, once again, in the immortal words of all my ancestors . . . on with the news!

MONEY PENNY’S DEATH REALLY AN ABDUCTION

A few days ago, famed Queen of the Woyald, MoneyPenny, was reportedly killed due to a “cleansing” of Detroit and all places not New York. The truth is far more sinister. Money Penny was reportedly outside in her garden, planting roses at four o’clock in the morning when a bright light shone over her. A large saucer hovered over her, then landed. Little green men got out, tied Money Penny up with strange ropes, and took her away in their ship. Reports say that she is now living on a planet named Tralfamadore with another human man named Billy Pilgrim.

NUDE PICTURES OF RANDLE McMURPHY RELEASED

The so-called pillar of the community, Randle McMurphy has been shamed with recently released nude photographs of himself. The famed editor of The Mafia Gazette had taken naughty pictures of himself in college to earn extra money. Now, after escalating to a position of some prominence in the publishing world, he has been disgraced with these torrid photographs. “They told me they would be artistic. They told me they wouldn’t photograph my face! They told me they wouldn’t be published.” wept Randle when asked for a comment. The Editor of The Tabloid News would have nothing to be ashamed of if he were to be photographed in the all-together.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,
I hate my competition. He published nasty things about me in his newspaper. How much would it cost for you to kill him for me?
Signed, R.Mc.M

Dear Randle,
Get in line, buddy. Everyone wants to kill Pickles.
Red

Dear Red,
I think I’m in love with a beautiful girl, but every time I try to talk to her, I get really nervous and I forget how to talk and act. Help! What can I do?
Signed, Lovelorn

Dear Idiot,
Grow a pair.
Red

NEWS PAPER EDITOR HAS HARD TIME COMING UP WITH STORIES

Editor Pickles admitted recently to not being full of ideas and stories for The Tabloid News. He sat at his desk drinking cheap bourbon wondering what to write about. This lack of the creative spark of the divine has worried subscribers. Many pray they won’t have to real some drivel about nothing just so The Tabloid is well rounded with several articles. Some subscribers have threatened to cancel their subscription of Pickles does not get over his case of writer’s block. It is too soon to tell at this time if he has had a breakthrough.

TRAGEDY AND IRONY IN LUBBOCK, TEXAS

True Story: A few days ago in Lubbock, Texas, a man was killed by a drunk driver. The man was leaving his Alcoholics Anonymous meeting when hit by a drunk woman who backed over him while fleeing the scene. She also ran over a nearby witness. Had that man been in a bar instead of AA, he might have taken a different route and still be alive.

ZEBEDEE MISTAKENLY RELEASED FROM MENTAL INSTITUTION

Zebedee, the crazed madman who wanders around screaming “Boing!” was mistakenly released from a mental institution due to a paperwork mistake. Doctors, upon examining Zebedee declared him mentally unfit to be amongst the public, however, when filing the paperwork, a typographical error got Zebedee released the very next day. Use extreme caution when approaching this man. It’s probably best if you immediately call the police if you see him. Beware!

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