The Miami Prophet - Issue Three

Editor-In-Chief:
Miss. Venom Vixen

Writing Team:
Lady Loompa - Asst Editor, Journalist, Columnist, Advertising
Herrick - Journalist

Deliveries:

Ying Yang

Commission Announces Itself On The Streets

Mr Gaetano Badalamenti of Miami’s Asociación Ñetas and a few of his associates came to the streets early Monday morning to announce the formation of a new commission. Mr Badalamenti gave a long and colourful speech on the formation of a new commission in which all the family heads of our nation at the moment are said to be a part of.

Although a long speech, lasting a few minutes, Mr Badalamenti did not reveal many details of the commission or what they plan to do.

He did however state that all the families are now working in co-operation with one another but will still remain as individual families. No new crews will be allowed to set up home anywhere in the country without first asking permission of the commission and it’s members and that all family problems should be sorted through the commission.

The lack of details in the speech have left many people in confusion and although Mr Bedalamenti stayed around to answer questions after his speech. There are still many things that have been left unclear in the publics minds. It is believed that the commission will speak again when it is ready and will reveal details to the public as it sees fit.

[got a view on this issue, contact Venom Vixen, c/o Miami Prophet, Miami]

Death Doctor Sets Up Clinic In The Street

A Detroit man by the name of Dr Crippen has opened a clinic in the centre of town, but this is no ordinary doctors clinic. This growingly popular little place does not offer medicines and treatments but predicts when and how it’s patients are going to die.

As the public heard of this new doctor a lengthy queue began to form in the waiting room as people waited to hear of what fate had in store for them. Crippin had an answer for everyone, ranging from allergic reactions, to liver failure and spontaneous combustion.

People gathered from all walks of life to hear how and when the reaper was coming for them, some simply out of curiosity, others to see if they could perhaps cheat their fate by knowing what was in store.

No one yet knows how accurate these death readings are, but whether this man has an amazing and highly useful gift or whether it’s just another scam to put fear into people, there’s one thing on everyone’s mind at the moment, how and when am I going to die?

[got a view on this issue, contact Venom Vixen, c/o Miami Prophet, Miami]

Mr Mafia Contest

This years Mr Mafia contest is really heating up with round three currently underway.

Round one was hosted by Kayle Taggart who put a number of questions to the contestants as they took to the stage one by one to impress with their answers. A whopping 22 gents showed up to take part in the first round, each wearing his Sunday best as one by one they delivered their answers to Kayle and the packed hall where the event took place. Round one concluded on Wednesday as the judges went back stage to cast their votes.

Round two was brought to us by Morrigan, who ranted a little about each contestant before putting another series of questions to them, one by one she grilled them as they stepped up to answer her questions. Again we saw some amazing suits and some lengthy answers from our 17 remaining contestants after 5 of the original potential Mr Mafia’s dropped out.

Round three was opened by Sixth Sense who also commented on each of the contestants before they took to the stage to answer her questions. Again each answered the questions put to them in a lengthy manner and wowed the audience. Another 2 men dropped out after round 2, leaving just 15 to fight for the title of Mr mafia.

Mr Mafia round four is currently open for contestants, so don’t delay fellas!

[got a view on this issue, contact Venom Vixen, c/o Miami Prophet, Miami]

Dallas, Vegas and Atlanta, Under New Management

This week we have seen a lot of movement in the crime world as many high ranks up rooted and moved to new cities.

Firstly we saw Jackie Giamatti move from Atlanta to the bright lights of Las Vegas, leaving Atlanta empty. Shortly after this move Morrigan, formally of New York, announced her take over of the city of Atlanta. The first order of business was to lift the total lockdown placed on the city by it’s former residents and declare the city open for business to those who don’t wish to abuse the privilege.

Elsewhere in the country we saw OompaLoompa announce her residence in Dallas. She has been rumoured to have been residing there for sometime now but has recently set up head quarters and a growing family. Oompa has also done her fair share of moving, her most recent post being in Chicago under Puck, who recently retired to go travelling. Dallas also remains open to the public at this time.

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Other City Business
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Los Angeles boss, Benji Lambo took to the streets this week to announce that although things are looking up for the city and things are going to plan for LA and it’s residents it is time for the next rule to be brought into place. From now on all new businesses setting up in Los Angeles must be run past Kayle Taggart before any construction work begins and only once Miss Taggart has approved and agreed on the blueprints may anyone start work. Anyone thought not to be sticking to this new rule will first be asked to close the business immediately before more serious action is taken by Me Lambo and his family.

A reminder was put to the public by David Peters this week that Miami is still under a partial lockdown. He passed out copies of the lockdown rules, stating that only members of Made families and citizens would be welcome to enjoy the city. Any thugs, hoodlums or street bosses found roaming the city will be given one hours notice to leave the city limits or become a target.

[got a view on this issue, contact Venom Vixen, c/o Miami Prophet, Miami]

Lottery round up - Draw number 25 – 3rd April.

This weeks winning numbers were 5 17 33 38 42 45

There was 1winner this week taking away a pot of $8,002,500

Draw number 26 takes place on 10th April, be there or be square!

This Weeks Reviews
by Oompa

This Week at the cinema

The Devil's Holiday

Directed by Edmund Goulding

And based on the novel by Erich Maria Remarque, who also served in World War I

Cast: Nancy Carroll, Phillips Holmes, Hobart Bosworth, James Kirkwood

A manipulative manicurist Hallie Hobart (Nancy Carroll) schemes to marry a millionaire's son David Stone (Phillips Holmes), but is opposed by the young man's father Ezra Stone (Hobart Bosworth) and brother Mark (James Kirkwood). She offers to divorce him if paid $50,000. After leaving, her conscience begins to take over and she takes solace in parties and drink. Meanwhile, David is seriously ill as a result of a fall suffered in a fight over her with his brother. She returns to the side of her seriously-ill ex-husband, realizing she really loves him, and she also returns the $50,000.

This Week to read

YEARS OF GRACE

Written by — Margaret Ayer Barnes

Jane is the younger daughter of a well-to-do conservative Chicago family. When she falls in love with André, 19-year-old French boy who wants to be a sculptor, her parents forbid them to see each other. Later Jane marries Stephen, a perfectly respectable match, but is never really in love with him.

This Week

Constantinople renamed Istanbul

Built as Byzantium about 657 BC, then renamed Constantinople in the 4th century AD after Constantine the Great made the city his capital, the Turkish city of Istanbul officially received its present name this week.

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ADVERTISEMENT

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*Carlo's Stable*

1 Smokin Gimp $25,000

2 Futuristic Crusader $25,000

3 Scrawny Mouse $25,000

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Dear Oompa

Got a problem? Need someone to talk to? Our very own Lady Oompa is always listening. Mail letters directly to OompaLoompa c/o The Miami Prophet.

Question

Dear Oompa.

I like to eat cheetos while i watch porn, but when I wake up in the morning my nether regions are orange. What the hell is going on?

Answer

Cheetos are full of artificial dyes and you are obviously losing this dye through your pores at the most prominent point, which just happens to be your nether regions due to your choice of entertainment

Dear oompa.

Everytime i get close to a girl and start to fall for her, she tells me she loves me like a brother. Should I start dating outside my family?

Answer

Well it is a personal choice. Would you mind if your kids looked like cyclops.?

Please mail your questions to OompaLoompa

Jokes Of The Week

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condom s, Register 5.' The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.' A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. S he reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said . . . 'Cleanup, Register 5.'

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An 83 year old Italian woman, who lived on the outskirts of MonteCasino, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the woman said, "Father. . . During World War II, a handsome young man knocked on my door and asked me to hide him from the enemy. So I hid him in the attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did! You have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, Father. He started to repay me with sexual favors." The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two young people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell him the war is over?

HOROSCOPES

By Tea Jenny

Aries ~ March 21-April 19: The path of Mars might make you feel invincible this week, however this is not the case. Don’t let your new found confidence fool you into making devastating choices.

Taurus ~ April 20-May 20: A friendship may fall this week, but don’t give up on it so easily. A close friend is something worth fighting for. Put some effort into it and things should sort themselves out.

Gemini ~ May 21-June 21: The moons orbit will affect you greatly this week, you may feel the need for a big change. Go with it, it may be the start of something new and exciting.

Cancer ~ June 22-July 22: You have felt unsettled recently but stick with it, once things calm down you will be glad you didn’t abandon those close to you.

Leo ~ July 23-August 22: Avoid any Libra’s this week. I see great conflict. You have a temper at the best of times, but this week it seems almost uncontrollable. Try to hold that temper even when others do things that may seem unreasonable, failing to do so could lead to catastrophic consequences.

Virgo ~ August 23-September 22: A busy week is in store for you Virgos out there, you barely have a moment to sit down. You will make major progress this week though if you let things run their hectic course.. There will be plenty of ’you time’ next week.

Libra ~ Septmber 23-October 22: Now is the time to do something with your life. You have sat in the back seat watching friend after friend succeed for far too long. Take the reigns for a change and you’ll see exactly what you can achieve.
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Scorpio ~ October 23 - November 21: A new person is due to walk into your life this week. You may be weary at first by their initial appearance and attitude, but as the saying goes ’don’t judge a book by it’s cover.’ Give this newcomer a chance and I see a lifetime friendship forming.

Sagittarius ~ November 22-December 21: Motivation is important this week. Saturn’s path is making you feel very tired and unmotivated, but you need to fight it and get things done. Allowing yourself to become unmotivated could result in someone getting something you’ve had your eye on before you… you’re closer than you think to your goals so now is not the time to take a break from reaching for them.

Capricorn ~ December 22-January 19: Love is in the air, even for those who weren’t looking for it. You will meet someone you just can’t take your eyes off this week. Don’t force it, don’t fight it. Just let things run their course.

Aquarius ~ January 20-February 18: You may feel the need to spend this week, and while a little treat here and there are well earned you have to know where to stop. Overspending this week will lead to financial trouble in the near future. Make sure you have some cash stored away for a rainy day.

Pisces ~ February 19-March 20: Energy is your middle name this week, you can’t sit still. Put some of this extra energy to good use by helping out a friend who is a little down or feeling the pressure of a heavy workload.
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Those Who Have Passed This Week

have you lost a loved one? We print obituaries free of charge, the perfect way to say goodbye. Contact a member of our writing team for details.

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In loving memory of Nile
Wise Guy of Dallas and loyal member of -oo- Dallas Devils -oo-

Died suddenly on 28th March.

Family would like to thank all those who came to pay their respects to him. He will be dearly missed by all those who knew him.

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In loving memory of JohnnyB

Made Man of Maimi and and loyal family member of Asociación Ñetas

Died suddenly on 31st March.

Family would like to thank the many friends that turned out to pay their respects.

Readers Views.

Have an opinion on any of the current issues going on in our community? Want to express your views? Write to Venom Vixen, c/o The Miami Prophet.

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Issue Four out 10th April.

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