The Miami Prophet - Issue Two
Editor-In-Chief - Miss. Venom Vixen

Writing Team - Lady Loompa, Herricki

Miami Made Dead After Drug Crazed Kidnap

Early Tuesday evening police were seen carrying three bodies from an abandoned warehouse in the city of Dallas. The bodies were later identified as those of Miami Made Man Toni Montello of Asociación Ñetas and two unnamed bodyguards.

Earlier that day Mr Montello had been spotted buying a large amount of cocaine from a Miami dealer before heading back to his apartment in downtown Miami. A few hours later he was seen boarding a plane from Miami to Dallas where he made his way to the business district and into End’s Bar where Avalanche was sat having a quiet drink. He was reported to have wild bloodshot eyes and traces of white powder on his face when he entered the bar.

Within moments of Montello walking into the bar he spotted Avalanche sitting quietly having a drink by the bar, he tried to slip a bag over his head but Avalanche quickly pulled out his gun and shot Montello in the leg inflicting a severe wound. Montello however, in his drug induced rage, barely seemed to notice. He knocked Avalanche out by hitting him in the back of the head with his gun and dragged him out into the street before anyone could stop him. Wheels could be heard screeching around the corner as Montello sped off in a stolen car with unconscious Avalanche in the back.

Benji Lambo, Mr Avalanches boss, was at the same time having a drink in The Mugleone Lounge when he was informed of the events taking place in Dallas. He spoke via phone with Mr Badalamenti explaining what the situation was and that he would have to free his friend and Wise Guy by any means necessary. Mr Badalamenti, Montello’s boss and a good friend of Mr Lambo, gave him the ok to use whatever force was needed to save Avalanche’s life.

Mr Lambo boarded the first train to Dallas, upon arriving in the city he rushed to the abandoned warehouse where drug crazed Montello was holding Avalanche. He described the place to us as ‘walking into a drug den.’ Eventually he found the two men in a back room in the warehouse, on spotting Montello he opened fire.

Montello, eyes still glazed and bloodshot from the cocaine turned and shot back at Lambo. Hitting one of Lambo’s bodyguards in the chest inflicting a fatal wound. As his heavy took one final breath Lambo fired two more shots, one hit Montello’s bodyguard who had began advancing on Lambo and the other hit Tony Montello square between the eyes. He died instantly.

He rushed to untie Avalanche and took him back to Los Angeles on the next train. Avalanche suffered only minor injuries from the attack and has reported around 200k and some guns and bullets missing, but is just happy to be alive.

Avalanche: “He cleaned out everything I had.. He didn't beat me or anything. The only light I saw in the room is when my boss walked in. I never been so happy to see him. To tell you the truth, I thought I was a gonner. Thanks to my boss’s great leadership, I get to breathe another day.”

Both families are shocked and disappointed with Tony Montello’s actions and many of the members are currently grieving the death of a close friend. Mr Badalamenti and Mr Lambo both seem confident however that this incident will not affect either their personal or business relationships. The relationship is described as ‘as strong as ever’ and the two men are said to still be planning a couple of drinks and a round of golf next week.

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Don’t forget to visit Miami’s new Art competition this week, run by Mr Badalamenti himself.

http://www.mafia.org/comm-readpost.php?street&id=7835

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[Got a view on this issue that you wish to share? Contact Venom Vixen]

Church roof in dire need of repair
by Cardinal Sin

The old church, which many of you have visited in your time is in dire need of repair, the roof is cracking and about to fall in.

The church is a community focal point and as such needs to survive, otherwise the world will fall into ruin.

We don't ask much, just a simple donation when you come to Sunday service, or if you can afford, a hefty donation would be much better, and the leaks could be repaired a lot quicker. At the moment GOD is shining on us all, but beware that the lord will take out his revenge on sinners, so repent your sins by donating. For those of you who have sinned majorly, dig deep in your pockets and do some good for the community.

For those coming to the charity event, Tombolas will be held and donators will receive a prize, how little or huge, we can only but guess. More information on the charity event to come, so watch this space.

I caught up with CardinalSin at his home and asked where he would like the donations to be sent and this was his reply,

“It doesn't matter if donations are sent to me or the church; it will all find its way to the right place.

[editorial by Oompa]

He also wanted to thank a local donator for a generous donation of 100k, adding that perhaps he saw this as a way of cleansing his soul.

[Got a view on this issue that you wish to share? Contact OompaLoompa]

Mr Mafia Back Again

The popular nationwide contest, Mr Mafia, has returned to our streets once more to put our finest men against one another in a series of tests and questions to decide who will be awarded as this year’s best.

The nominations went up on Tuesday and many big names began being thrown into the pot. It looks to be an exciting contest. If you haven’t entered yet and still want to put your name down, or to nominate a friend, there is still time. Nominations end at midnight 29th of March.

Reports have been coming in that some of the nominees have been attacked in the street with the message ‘lets see you complete the Mr Mafia contest now’ It seems with so many big egos at stake, the competition could get dirty.

Atlanta, Open For Business

Atlanta was recently shut down to the public, stopping all visitors from entering the city. Today however the city gates were reopened by Mob, who is currently in charge there. The rules that were in place before the lockdown will take back over effect, this means that only members of Made families and civilians will be welcome within the city limits. Still bad news for thugs and hoodlums who wish to enjoy the city.

Mob also took the opportunity to introduce a new rule for the cities business district. To avoid the city becoming full of neglected and run down bars, all new business plans must not only be run by the city hall but must now also be run by Mob. Any bars not up to standard will be closed down by the family.

A Character Reformed - A Week in the Life

by Lady Oompa

After last weeks report from my hospital bed, I returned to hospital no fewer than 3 more times, in a week that saw me beaten daily by the Godfather’s thugs. Finally now the beatings have ceased and I am fully healed. I have however returned to the life of crime. In a moment of weakness I tried to spring a friend from jail and the rest is history as the blue lights chased me several blocks before finally catching me and throwing me in the slammer.

Another major change this week, I swapped my city life for the wide open spaces of Dallas and started up a small family. Opened up a saloon bar and generally lived a quiet life. Those beating from the Godfather having taken their toll, so a little recuperating was called for.

Lottery Roundup - Draw number 23/24 - March 20/27

by Lady Oompa

Draw 23,This weeks winning numbers were

8 10 11 18 38 40

There were 0 winners this week resulting in a roll over for next week, with $6,217,500 going into the pot.

Draw 24, This weeks winning numbers were
3 23 28 30 40 43

There were 2 winners this week, sharing a jackpot of $16,415,625.

Draw number 25 takes place on 4th April, be there or be square!

Hot Spots - This week: Chicago

This week our team travelled to Chicago’s business district to check out the hotspots in Chicago. Chicago has a lively business district spreading across an impressive three streets, with many choices of places to hang out.

There were a couple of clear favourites, including The Now Club - run by TomoeGozen and Extreme - Run by Ends.

However this weeks winner in Chicago was The Chicago Carriage Bar, run by our very own Oompa Loompa. This unusual little place is located inside Chicago’s busy train station and it’s décor is done to look like a cross between one of the cites train carriages and a museum of train memorabilia. Down either side of the bar are seats which look like they have been pulled straight out of trains themselves (Miss Oompa refused to tell us where she obtained these chairs from) and all around the walls of the room photographs and train memorabilia hang, showing the progression of trains throughout the years. Even the staff can be seen rushing around in old railway worker uniforms.

This little place was mobbed when we walked in and we were lucky to get a seat. The service was fast and friendly, the drinks were cold and refreshing and the atmosphere overall was pleasant. The Prophet gives this place 5stars.

Oompa came across the empty building weeks ago, and has spent a lot of time and money collecting railway artifacts to give the place the right atmosphere

Interview;

- So Oompa, what gave you the idea for such a unique little bar?

As it was on the chicago station platform I thought it was be a great little stop off for thirsty or hungry travellers, the whole place is done out in the design of a train interior. Booths along the side, with checkered train seats either side of wooden tables, with small lamps glowing softly.

- It seems pretty packed in here, what kind of people do you generally get in here?

It attracts a variety of clients from citizens and thugs to high ranking officials

- Do you have any plans to expand to other cities?

Not at present, I have another bar in Dallas though..

- Really? Is it a similar bar to this one?

No, it’s a ranch type saloon with a BBQ and a chef with food on the go most of the time. I have plans to add a swimming pool out back.

This weeks Reviews

by Oompa

This Week at the cinema

All Quiet on the Western Front

Directed by Lewis Milestone

And based on the novel by Erich Maria Remarque, who also served in World War I

Cast: Lew Ayres, Louis Wolheim, Slim Summerville, John Wray

"This story is neither an accusation nor a confession, and least of all an adventure, for death is not an adventure to those who stand face to face with it. It will try simply to tell of a generation of men who, even though they may have escaped its shells, were destroyed by the war..."

This Week to read

The Door

Written by Mary Roberts Rinehart

Sarah Gittings, Elizabeth Bell's family nurse, has just been brutally murdered. But all thoughts of a homicidal maniac running amok are banished when the evidence reveals that Sarah actually knew and trusted her murderer. Now, Elizabeth Bell is about to discover that her staid and orderly household harbors more than one suspect with a motive--and unfortunately, more than one victim.

This Week’s Invention

US astronomer Cloyed Tombaugh has discovered a new planet called Pluto. Pluto is the farthest planet from the sun in our solar system. Scientist think that it is made completely out of ice.

Dear Oompa

Got a problem? Need someone to talk to? Our very own Lady Oompa is always listening. Mail letters directly to OompaLoompa c/o The Miami Prophet.

Dear Oompa,
I got a major problem,the new york women are really hairy and i don't know how to tell them to shave without hurting their feelings?

Answer

Buy them one of those new fangled electric razors I reviewed last week.

Jokes Of The Week

By Venom

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar.
She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while.

Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around.

Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them
about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The
lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all
his friends take their turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a
Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the barender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"

She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore!"

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During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

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A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"

HOROSCOPES

By Tea Jenny

Aries ~ March 21-April 19: You may find that you're a bit farther ahead of the curve than you had realized, but you don't care! Others will just have to figure it out and try to catch up.

Taurus ~ April 20-May 20: A big move is coming your way and it’s going to lead to big changes. Let things happen, it may just lead to something better.

Gemini ~ May 21-June 21: Now is the time to make your move, even if you're sure you're not quite ready. Your positive attitude and energetic spirit are perfect for making things happen and you sure know how to improvise!

Cancer ~ June 22-July 22: You're feeling the urge to take risks. You probably won't do anything physically dangerous, but you may tell people difficult truths or gamble a bit more than you can really afford.

Leo ~ July 23-August 22: Someone is trying to tell you what to do with your time, and for now, it's a good idea to listen to them. It might feel odd to take orders from whomever it is, but in the long run, it's the best thing to do.

Virgo ~ August 23-September 22: You’ve found your fresh start this week, you feel a little alone but things are soon to change.

Libra ~ September 23-October 22: You've got a slightly different opinion than your peers on some important issue, but don't back down. Things are moving in the right direction and your energy is perfect for making the last big push.

Scorpio ~ October 23 - November 21: You get some news that isn't what you had hoped for today, but it's not catastrophic. Something just didn't pan out, but you've got plenty of ideas for things you can try in the near future.

Sagittarius ~ November 22-December 21: You've run out of patience with something or someone and may have a hard time dealing with the consequences. Try not to worry too much about it, because things should settle down pretty soon.

Capricorn ~ December 22-January 19: A situation you haven't encountered before starts up this week and your best bet is to just stand still and watch it develop for a little while. Quick reactions might not yield the best results.

Aquarius ~ January 20-February 18: Play it safe this week, avoid risks of any kind. It's not that you're in danger, but taking chances is a sure way to attract the wrong kind of attention from the universe. Things should be more relaxed in a few days.

Pisces ~ February 19-March 20: You feel a little put out by others at the moment, perhaps even a little excluded. Do something to get yourself noticed by others and people will realise that they are making a mistake.
.

Those Who Have Passed This Week

have you lost a loved one? We print obituaries free of charge, the perfect way to say goodbye. Contact a member of our writing team for details.

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In loving memory of TomoeGozen

Capo of Chicago and devoted leader of Beep

Died suddenly on 27th March.

Family would like to thank the many friends that turned out to pay their respects.
Will be dearly missed by everyone.

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In loving memory of ThomasAnastasio

Goomba of Detroit and loyal family member of ~La Camera Della Torta~

Thank you for the many wishes and flowers from all who paid respects. He will be with us in our memories.

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In loving memory of Ends
Made Man of Las Vegas and member of †TP†

Murdered in Dallas jail on 27th March.

Family would like to thank everyone who came to his funeral and to those who sent flowers and well wishes. Nothing will ever fill the hole he’s left in our hearts.

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In Memory of Callisto
Earner of Chicago and loyal member of -Beep Beep, I'm a Jeep-

Died suddenly on March 27th
She died for her family. The friends and family would like to express their thanks to all those who came to pay their respects.

Coming Soon - Readers Views.

Have an opinion on any of the current issues going on in our community? Want to express your views? Write to Venom Vixen, c/o The Miami Prophet.

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