The Mafia Gazette Issue 149
For All The News That Is News (E&OE)


MIAMI CHANGES HANDS
By Randle McMurphy

After the St. Patrick’s Day Massacre, the leadership of Miami has changed drastically. Former bosses Mr_Pickles_II and Executioner were both killed during the violence, leaving the gap wide open for former New York Capo GaetanoBadalamenti to step in and claim the city.

The official announcement was made in the streets on Wednesday, the address being given by Gaetano himself. In his speech he gave his opinion that the city of Miami had been left to crumble under the previous leadership, and that he and his family, Asociación Ñetas, were there to straighten the city out, and make it successful again.

A further announcement has since been made, partially locking down the city, akin to Gaetano’s first leader and mentor, Puck. The partial lockdown saw great success in Chicago under Puck’s leadership, and given Gaetano’s close ties to the former Chicago crime lord, one can only assume it will have a similar effect in Miami.

Although little is known of any plans for retaliation by the former Miami families, it would appear many have either left the city and fled to Detroit, or have joined Gaetano in his bid to reform the sunny city. The Gazette wishes them all good luck, and hopes for an end to the bloodshed the last week has seen.


STRIKE CALLED OFF
By Randle McMurphy

The Bodyguard’s Union has called off planned strike action, after agreeing terms with employers across the country. The Union threatened strike action after more than 20 bodyguards died in a single day last week, and were demanding better pay and conditions for their workers, including a deal that left a healthy portion of the bodyguard’s wages to their family in the event of their death.

The action was just the tip of the iceberg, as bodyguards across the country have been exercising a new clause in their contracts enabling them to quit if they feel the job is too dangerous. An anonymous source within the mafia community called the contract change ludicrous. “How are we supposed to hand over huge sums of cash to bodyguards, expect them to protect us, and then have them quit in the middle of a gunfight? How is that fair to us, as the employer? What about OUR families?!”

It is thought the negotiations will continue between the two parties, with employers now seeking a repeal on the contract clause that is causing some to be left without protection at dangerous times.


ABUSED WOMAN SPEAKS OUT
By Natatia

As history shows, Mafioso women have often been abused, but remain silent for fear of their demise or that of their family and friends. Following her hospitalization, the much respected Oompa talked with anyone who would listen about her encounters. Limping out on crutches, the battered and bruised lady literally dropped down and cried out to the heavens asking why this was being done to her.

Apparently, a recent meeting with the well-known Captain encouraged Oompa to turn her life around and she was given what she believed would be a new beginning. Once the local Godfather heard about this epiphany, he made his own plans for her. Daily beatings from thugs hired by the Family became the plan. Over the course of four days of beatings, which resulted in cracked ribs and skull with each assault, the poor lady was left in quite a mess.

As she kneeled in the parking lot of the hospital, Oompa began shouting concerning her treatment and possible reasons why the Almighty would permit such treatment, “Surely, this is for people who kill a lot, fire their guns an unreasonable amount of times?” Dangerously, she drew out her weapon and brandished about the growing crowd as she claimed, “I haven’t fired this since 4th March”
The passers by looked at her with pity and fear as they moved to avoid the swinging pistol. Seeing their reaction, she only shouted louder at them, “Yes, duck, run, hide …. Lock up your women, the Godfather is a damn woman beater”

With the final statement made, a circle of people came and removed the recovering woman from the property, it is yet unknown if they’ll be repercussions from her public statements about this particular Godfather.


LAS VEGAS WOES CONTINUE
By Randle McMurphy

The war-torn city of Las Vegas has once again seen bloodshed this week, with Made Man Merc falling during a short gun battle with New York Wise Guy Radio last night. It is believed this was the first act of a plan by New York to expand into Las Vegas, after seeing an opportunity with the weakened city. A former New Yorker, Benji_Lambo, recently took control of Los Angeles, and it is thought that the ambitious city of New York is looking to expand its influence to control the entire Western seaboard.

Lambo, aka Mugshot, has now established the Mugleone family in Los Angeles, although it is not known if the former New Yorker has been helping his kin with the killings in Las Vegas. Since the death of Merc, several Vegas mobsters have fallen, after being initially taken in by Daphnis, at the time the only remaining Vegas Made Man. It is rumoured that Daphnis fled and hid in jail after narrowly avoiding a shot from mobster WoodyHerman aka Karma.

Little is known of NY’s plans for the West, although talk indicates that their expansion plans do not end there. Insider suggestions indicate they are also turning their eye towards the city of Detroit, perhaps due to its proximity to New York, perhaps for other reasons, although few facts are actually established at this time. More on this story as it progresses.


ATLANTA CLOSES ITS DOORS
By Randle McMurphy

In an unexpected move, crime boss Jackie_Giamatti has closed the doors to Atlanta for other families in a street announcement made on Saturday. It is not known entirely why Giamatti decided to enforce the lockdown, although it is believed that it may be a move to safeguard the city after the recent spate of mob deaths and kidnappings happening there.

There were few objections publicly to the move, although Miami resident JoeyCusack did question whether or not Jackie would be ruining the good reputation built up by Atlanta, and bring suspicion upon the city needlessly.

It is also believed that New York has recently agreed to broker a drugs route between themselves and Atlanta, although information regarding the progress of the proposed route is unknown at this time. However, this could be another reason behind the decision to close off the city, in an effort to protect the drugs trade that is so lucrative within the mafia community. The last high-profile drugs trade inspired lockdown came from the West, with LA and LV shutting themselves off to visitors for some time in order to protect their drugs trade. This theory took a blow, however, when it was revealed by an inside source in Atlanta that the families were directing their scorn mostly towards the New Yorkers, and strongly suspected them for the recent killings and kidnappings.

However this story pans out, The Gazette would urge tourists to avoid the cities of New York and Atlanta for the time being, or risk their own safety in travelling.


TIGHTENED SECURITY ON TRAVEL
By Natatia

It is a well known fact that travel by air has stringent rules and regulations, which most of the time interfere with the business and workings of the average Mafioso. Regularly, items including weapons, drugs, and goods are confiscated before boarding a flight, but there has been a recent crack down on the rail system.

Numerous members of different organizations have been stopped, items confiscated, and hefty jail terms served while trying to board the trains. Upon investigation into this matter, it was observed that the number of railroad dicks had increased, but the bums seemed to be unshaken and actually bold with attempts to jump the passing trains. Witnessing this has this reporter believing that the crackdown has to do more with federal authorities rather than just local. If this is the case, it will make life most troublesome for those needing to move items from city to city and for the cities themselves getting low on certain items. We can only hope that over time the security will relax once again soon in the near future.


A SHORT ESSAY ABOUT LEADERSHIP
By Randle McMurphy

I have seen and had the privilege of experiencing many different types of leadership in my time, and I must say each inspired me just as readily as the next. But what is the right way to go about leadership?

The way I see things, there is no right way. Each leader could go about each thing they do in completely different ways, and achieve similar results.

Strong and silent, overly opinionated, reserved and cautious, there are places in our world for all of these styles of leadership, but which one do we see come out on top most often? To answer this question we must delve into the annals of history, and see just who has made it to the top.

Three of the longest standing and successful names that come to mind for me would be Albert-Neri, MoneyPenny and Puck, but how did they lead?

Puck, as we all know, reached the rank of Don before his demise, and he did so with a large family of loyal subjects. His reputation, as I remember it, was one of being firm but fair. His street speeches were excellent, and his ability to hold his own in a debate was up there with the best. It could be said that he certainly made his presence felt amongst the mafiosi who wandered about in public. He was ambitious, but not overly so. Many people, with a family his size, would have been looking to expand to the four corners of the globe, but from what I remember he kept his crew together in the one place, and concentrated on their own affairs rather than the business of others. From what I remember, he stayed fairly neutral in the many wars that tore across the map, some accused him of sitting on the fence, but he was obviously doing something right, being that he outlasted most of the people calling him down for not interfering. All in all, I would say Puck was a fairly balanced leader, who seemed to place his focus on his own family, and upholding the family image. Could he have done anything differently? Of course, nobody is perfect. I’m sure he would be the first to admit his own flaws, though I think they would be few.

MoneyPenny is one of the oldest and most respected names still around. I have a certain degree of bias when it comes to this lady, as we happen to be great friends, but it does not stop me from analysing her leadership style in a fair manner. MoneyPenny is the ‘nice guy’ of the mafia, the friendly face that always has something good to say about somebody. Wise beyond measure, she’s wonderful at giving advice; I’ve been on the receiving end many a time. Not so great at taking it though, especially when it means being mean! Definitely needs a few devious minds amongst her close advisors to balance her out a little. Some have called her soft, I disagree, and I think if there were more people like MoneyPenny heading up families across the country, then our world would be a much better place. Certainly though, she does not have the same killer instinct that some leaders possess. This is not a bad thing though, we have enough killers in our midst, and nature is a balance, we need people who only use violence as a last resort to keep the world from spiralling into chaos.

Albert-Neri, what can I say about this fellow? Intelligent, savvy, and just a little enigmatic. Liked to do things the ‘Sicilian’ way. Sent his Consigliere out to make all but the most important speeches, and was a strong believer in chain of command. This man was one of the best tactical minds I’ve ever had the privilege to work with, and survived more attacks and wars that most people have even seen. Some questioned his methods, and some even called him a coward at times, but I never saw that in him. What is wrong with sending somebody else in to do your fighting for you? If you’re the head of a crime family, you have other guns to take the risks, it is just common sense. Many leaders don’t think this way however, and prefer having the glory for themselves. I think Neri had the right idea, pick your battles, and have others fight the ones where you have less odds of survival. After all, that’s what this business is all about, survival. You can’t be a good leader if you’re dead, you can only be a dead leader. Once again, a firm but fair man, he was very approachable, but I wouldn’t have wanted to get on the wrong side of him.

The three I have expanded upon above are leaders who I have had the pleasure to work with, and to learn from. They are the three people who have most influenced my style of leadership, and my opinion of what makes a good leader. Each was different from the next, but each having that unique quality that enables a leader to do their job; charisma. Charisma comes in many forms, but without it, you cannot hope to lead. Some may say it is one of the single most important factors in leadership, I would tend to disagree, I think there are many things that would make up an ideal leader. Not all are necessary, but all are more than welcomed for anyone in power.

The ideal leader, in my opinion, would be present on the streets, but not outspoken. They would be firm, but fair. They would be wise, yet have an open mind. They would listen to their trusted advisors, but not be ruled by them. They would be strong, yet wield that power only when it is necessary to do so. They would be ambitious, but not greedy. They would be charismatic and inspiring, but not egotistical. They would be organised, but still have the ability to be spontaneous. Most of all though, they would be approachable, yet strongly push the chain of command to their new recruits.

Far too many leaders I see now appoint subcrew leaders, Consiglieres, or Underbosses, and yet still tolerate mail upon mail from the lower members of the family, asking them trivial questions and wasting their time. Leaders need to use the buffers they have in place, so that they can focus on the most important matters: keeping the family alive and running.

This is just one of my thoughtful ramblings, and is in no way meant as a dig at any current leaders, or meant to polish the arses of those long gone. I just had a thought, and wrote it down. Take from it what you wish. Thank you for listening.


THE MAFIA GAZETTE RELOCATES HEAD OFFICE
By Randle McMurphy

The Mafia Gazette has long been associated with Chicago, and for many happy years the head office has been located within the city limits. Sadly, that relationship has now come to an end, with The Gazette being relocated to a brand new office in the city of Miami.

The new custom-built office is just a small part of the regeneration of Miami, and the boom the business district is currently seeing. The move has already been completed, and went smoothly with absolutely no hitches, so readers can be assured that there will be no further delays in the news getting to you.

The Mafia Gazette would like to thank GaetanoBadalamenti and Asociación Ñetas for their kind sponsorship of the new headquarters. Their gentle persuasion with the local planning department is the reason we now have a beautiful glass-walled beachfront office, instead of the dingy city-centre basement they initially approved us for.

The new office is completely open to the public, and all visitors are welcome.


DEAR RANDLE…
By Randle McMurphy

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce a new service I am offering. This service is one of counselling, advice, and general guidance to the mobsters of our community. So if you have a problem, just pop a letter in the post to good old Uncle Randle, and I’ll do my best to help you out of your sticky situation. Here’s a few I’ve already received as starters.

Dear Randle,
I’m having this problem, and I know you can help me. See, when I’m painting pictures, I just can’t seem to get my grey right. It seems trivial, I know, but it’s bugging the hell out of me. I’ve seen your portraits, and your grey is just perfect. How do you do it? I’d love to know your secret.
Signed,
Mr. A. Phex

Dear Mr. Phex,
It is a complex problem, not quite as simple as you make you. You see, my skill with grey has come from years of practice, and, if I do say so myself, a certain degree of natural talent. You will get the hang of it over time, but in the meantime, if you want me to help you one-on-one with your grey, I am available for hire as a tutor. Hang in there kiddo, you’ll get it eventually.

Dear Randle,
I’m having a problem. I get impure thoughts about my boss all the time, and I don’t know what to do. In fact, I’ve been having impure thoughts about everyone to be honest, for quite some time. I think I might just be some sort of pervert, or a little demented, or maybe both. What should I do?
Signed,
G. Fronsac

Dear Gregoire,
You are what you are, don’t deny your instincts. God made us all in different shapes, sizes, and mental states, embrace the gifts He gave you. Just don’t be peeping through my window at shower time, I’ve seen your shadow at the glass…

Dear Randle,
You are just awesome, and I love every inch of you. Can I marry you? Or at least start a fan club for you?
Signed,
B. Dahl

Dear Ms. Dahl,
The restraining order states that you must be no closer than 150 yards to me at any one time, so I guess that’s marriage out of the question. As for the fan club, you’ve been beaten to it many times over. At last count there were 17 different fan clubs, official and unofficial, dedicated to my chiselled good looks. My advice would be to find a new obsession, I’ve heard Puck can be an amusing man to stalk, give him a try.

Dear Randle,
I’m having a problem with a member of my family. I think he watches me while I shower, and I’m pretty sure he’s been taking photographs of some of the others in their sleep. I’m getting a little scared, what should I do?
Signed,
M. Pizzle

Dear M. Pizzle,
Gregoire is a funny sort, but if I were you I’d not worry. I don’t think he’s dangerous. Twisted, perverted, and a little psychotic at times, but not dangerous. Still, I may be wrong, so if I were you I would double your security around the headquarters. You could try locking him in his room, but I’ve heard he’s a wily little bugger, so he’d probably have a way out.


A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

Dear Readers,

The Mafia Gazette is still looking for able writers who have a passion for reporting the news. Funds have been slow to accumulate in The Gazette bank, but I am thankful to say I am now able to offer decent rates of pay for articles and field research.

We are always looking for freelance journalists to drop in the odd piece, but more than ever we are now looking for full-time staff.

If you think you have what it takes to write for the country’s most prestigious newspaper, then please drop me a line, or contact Natatia, who will also be happy to discuss employment.

The news is out there, but the bigger the team we have, the more of it we will be able to report.

Thank you,
Randle P. McMurphy
Editor – Mafia Gazette


ANNOUNCEMENTS/CLASSIFIEDS

Corben’s Vodka Bar is now open in Miami. All manner of Russia’s finest available, including many flavoured varieties for the more ambitious mobster. Asociación Ñetas family members drink free.

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The Mafia Gazette is now recruiting! Think you could handle a career in professional journalism? Contact Randle or Natatia for further details, or drop by the head office in Miami.

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Welcome Home DirkStruan! We all missed you while you were in Napoli, don’t leave us again any time soon. – Your offspring.

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For sale: Two unopened mystery barrels. Contents unknown, but a funny noise is coming from each of them. Noises are getting fainter each day, so get them quick! Markings on the side appear Chinese, or another similar language. Smell slightly of fish and freshly cut grass. Collection only, no delivery available. Willing to take offers, contact Randle for more details.

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