The Miami Prophet - Issue One
Editor-In-Chief - Miss. Venom Vixen
Writing Team - Lady Loompa, Herricki

St Paddy's Day Slaughter

Saint Patrick’s day was upon us again yesterday. A day which celebrates Saint Patrick, one of the patron saints of Ireland, and is used as an excuse for people around the world to drink and celebrate. However last night in the city of Miami the celebrations were cut short as New Yorkers stormed the city. Firstly attacking Miami Made Mr Pickles who responded quickly by trying to kidnap his attacker, Mocca, but received a fatal blow in self defence. Police reports say he died instantly.

The Miami Alliance all stepped in as bodyguards fell by the minute. Mocca soon followed Pickles, receiving a fatal gunshot wound to the chest from Miami Capo Executioner with reports of help from Mr_Accardi, a Atlanta Made Man. Both men were shot dead shortly after Mocca's death.

The fight continued long through the night as New Yorkers continued to shoot everyone and anyone who was unlucky enough to be in Miami at the time. With overcrowded trains and plains struggling with the vast number of people trying to leave the city. AS the sun began to come up and Miami lay quiet and blood splattered, the streets littered with it's one time residents, the gunshots did not seize in other cities. With men and women, high and low ranked alike dropping like flies all over the country as the sons and daughters of those lost went looking for revenge.

The long task of cleaning-up of the Miami streets will begin this afternoon once the police investigation starts. One thing is for sure, it will be a while before Miami fully recovers.

Condolences from the Prophet and it's writing team to all those who lost their lives last night.

HEALTH AND SAFETY ISSUES

There have been reports of a change of rules in the National Union for Bodyguards (NUB). These recent changes in NUB mean that now, instead of sticking with their boss till their contract expires or until they are fired, bodyguards within the union can scarper at will if they feel the job of protecting their boss becomes to dangerous.

The new rules state that they need to pay back a percentage of the days wage if they decide that enough is enough, and by doing so they are free to walk away from a fight at any time. Often leaving their boss on their own.

The decision came last week after the death of a long time serving bodyguard, who died while protecting his boss in a fight over a 'dirty look' in the street. The NUB community was outraged that their friend and co worker had been given no choice but to be dragged into such a pointless fight and had lost his life as a result.

One spokesman for NUB said, 'It may be our job to protect those who pay us to do so, however, we are being dragged into more and more arguments and wars over nothing. We are here to protect you from those who wish you harm, we are not here to give out lives up over petty arguments.'

Many people in the community are referring to this as a cowardice act, although it is not unheard of for mobsters today to jump on a train and leave town when the heat gets too much. So can we really judge?

Only time will tell if this action will lead to the deaths of more mobsters, or if it will make them more reluctant to start a fight knowing their protector could walk off at any minute..

[Got a view on this issue that you wish to share? Contact Venom Vixen]

FIXED RACES

It seems some horse owners who are seemingly on the straight and narrow path of living the civilian life have been fixing the races for families of the mafia. The citizens suspected, who cannot be named for legal reasons, are said to own a large number of horses, often having 3 or more of them running together in a race. Reports have come in that when this is the case, the horses are drugged with stanozolol, a horse steroid, and the jockeys instructed in which order they should place in the race.

When the race is run, the three jockeys who have been instructed to win will pull ahead from the start on their drugged up horses, the three will seemingly have a head to head struggle before two of them pull back slightly allowing them to finish in the correct order.

It is an idea that is becoming more and more popular with citizens around the country, as members of the mafia are offering large payouts to any horse owners who is willing to make their bets a sure thing. Only the owner and a selected few family heads know the expected outcome of these races, with the family heads often passing them on as racing 'tips' to fellow family members. Once the race has run and the families have had their payouts, they will pass a small percentage on to the horse owner for his troubles.. along with the money he placed on a bet for himself.

The police are currently looking into reports on this case, and have not yet released the names of the suspects.

[Got a view on this issue that you wish to share? Contact Venom Vixen]

NO GUNS FOR SALE

Mr AmmoMan, a well known arms and ammo dealer on the street, appears to be having problems getting hold of pistols to sell to his buyers. For the past couple of weeks he has only had bullets to sell. He has been approaching potential customers only offering bullets but no guns. Mobsters gathered to complain in OOC Avenue last night each thinking it was only them who was catching Mr Ammoman at the wrong time.

The only offers that people have been receiving recently are from clowns trying to pass off toy guns as pistols and cops in disguise trying to catch potential buyers.

No one knows how long the shortage of weapons will continue, what is causing it or how this will affect the community, but private gun prices amongst the public are expected to soar to rates never seen before.

A CHARACTER REFORMED - A Week in the Life by Lady Oompa

I write this issue of "A week in the life" from my hospital bed to serve as a warning to other unsuspecting guys and gals out there. You would think a day in the life of a reporter/citizen former capo in a well known crime family might be boring but let me tell you, today has been far from boring.

I take you back to this morning, as I was walking the streets, looking to be up to whatever I could find basically, I heard a whisper, I call from the alley, it was The Captain and for 75k he wiped the slate clean. No more jail, no more bubba no more fighting, stealing, robbing or .... injuries, or so you would think. And yet, less than 8 hours later, here I am in hospital licking my wounds.

So, what happened ...

Well, I was heading towards one of my Chicago businesses to check on trade, when suddenly a couple of heavies jumped out of the shadows "The Godfather doesn't like punks like you making his streets look like a war zone." I looked round .. but before I could answer I found myself on the ground in a pool of my own blood, I heard the sound of a baseball bat cracking my skull. Then I heard that sound again, but this time it was coming from my ribs. "Say hello to your mother for me.", he said as him and his one man baseball team walked off down the street.

And they just left me lying there. A passer rushed me to hospital and here I am. Writing my column. My last use of my gun being some 10 days ago and even then not very often.

The moral of this story being, never become complacent, you never know when the skeletons in your closet may come back to haunt you.

LOTTERY ROUNDUP - by Lady Oompa - Draw number 22 - 13th March.

This weeks winning numbers were

2 22 25 30 38 45

There were 4 winners and after last weeks roll over the jackpot was a massive $39,371,250.

Draw number 23 takes place on 20th March, be there or be square!

HOT SPOTS - THIS WEEK: MIAMI

This week our team visited the Miami business district to check out the night life. There are a lot of friendly little bars and hot night clubs and our team managed to get nicely drunk visiting them all. However there seemed to be a clear winner this week. Exe's, run by Miami based Executioner, seemed to be this weeks clear hot spot of the city.

This cosy little cocktail bar, decorated to look like a beautiful indoor beach, was packed to the doors with people when our team arrived. And although it is $100 entrance price on the door, it's unique decor along with the quick and friendly service makes it the perfect place to relax and have a drink.

The owner of Exe's agreed to take some time out of his busy schedule and have a chat with us,

So, tell us a little about your bar. What made you decide to start up your own business?

'Well I first decided on Opening a bar when I was walking home from a very long jail sentence. It was a long walk from prison to my home so I had plenty of time to think, I wanted something to keep my mind of the criminal side of my life, something above board even. On my journey I home I saw the perfect place, so I brought the place there and then. After I didn’t Know whether it would have been a god investment as it was spare f the moment thing, "Have I been too hasty?” I thought to myself. Few Weeks later business started to pick up, and here I am now, owner of one of the busiest Bars within the Miami boarders. Although currently it seems on Members of Miami Families go there, which is something I want to change, After all, it’s a Public house.'

What inspired the idea of a cocktail bar?

'As a Respectful Gentleman I liked to visit many bars with friends or even to make friends, upon my travels from one bar to another I noticed there was nowhere else that served cocktails, In fact I was astonished to find bars in Miami Home of the best sun and beaches failed to sell cocktails. Although I can now see why. Despite owning a cocktail bar, no one seems to be ordering them. Has plain Beer really taken over sex on the beach? It appears that way.'

Do you have any plans to extend this successful business to any of the countries other cities?

'I currently only have one other active bar "Exey's" In Atlanta. Although I do have plans for more , providing MY Atlanta Bar is Half the success of MY one in Miami.'

(Editors update: Executioner passed away shortly after this interview was conducted)

Reviews by Oompa

This Week at the cinema

Morocco

Directed by Josef von Sternberg

Written by Jules Furthman,

And based on the play by Benno Vigny

Cast: Gary Cooper, Marlene Dietrich, Adolphe Menjou, Paul Porcasi, Ullricht Haupt, Eve Southern

A womanising soldier in the Foreign Legion (Gary Cooper). falls for a sultry nightclub singer. (Marlene Dietrich)

This Week to read

The Woman of Andros

Written by Thornton Wilder

The relationship of a father, Simo, and his son, Pamphilus, is central to The Woman of Andros, in which Simo engages Pamphilus in an arranged marriage although Pamphilus wants to marry his sweetheart from Andros, the mother of his child.

This Week’s Invention

The electric razor by Jacob Schick

This greatly refined product consists of an oscillating induction motor driving a sliding cutter inside a slotted shearing head. The motor had to be 'kick-started' into life with an exposed turn wheel. All the components are housed in a sleek, black Bakelite shell that can be held comfortably in one hand.

DEAR OOMPA

Got a problem? Need someone to talk to? Our very own Lady Oompa is always listening. Mail letters directly to OompaLoompa c/o The Miami Prophet.

Dear Oompa,
I have been around these parts for nearly a week now and I still have no gun, how am I going to attract the ladies if I have no gun?

Lady Oompa:

Err .. Don’t tell them you don’t have a gun?

Dear Oompa,
I am scared to death of the MadDog, every time I see him I run. What can I do?

Lady Oompa:
I hear his bark is worse than his bite, just tickle him behind the ear and he rolls over.

Dear Oompa,

Every time I see the ammo man he shoots me, how can I stop this?

Lady Oompa:

Run away?

Dear Oompa

Why do women only get PMS? I often find myself needing an excuse for being whiny, and I don't think it’s fair that only women get such an excuse.

Lady Oompa:

Well quite frankly PMS (Pass My Shotgun) syndrome was invented by women for women because PMS (Plainly Men Suck). So to stop this PMS (Pissy Mood Syndrome) pamper to her PMS (Perpetual Munching Spree) and PMS (Provide Me with Sweets).

Dear Oompa

Ever since Tie's death, my life has taken a downward spiral, and the world seems darker. Who can I have sex with to feel better?

Lady Oompa:

Yourself

Dear Oompa

When I see Mr. Pickles, I get an overwhelming feeling of pity, and can't help but cry. Is there anyway I can avoid this feeling of pity, short of ignoring him completely?

Answer

No

JOKES OF THE WEEK

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend

it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I

tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna

be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was a beer party going on in the woods when all of a sudden there was a

downpour of rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring

rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the

car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still

drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared on the passenger side and tapped

lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my

window!!! There's an
old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)"

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little

and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his

wits, "What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and

yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing

again, and the passenger says, "Dude! what do
you think of that?"

The driver says, "Man, I don't know? How could that be? I'm going pretty

fast?"

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is

the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!” the passenger

yells."

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window

then yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to

forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is

MORE knocking!

"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU

WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this mud?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buys everyone

in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The

drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the

street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says,

"Bartender, buys everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me

the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly

be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of

the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands

the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living

daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender,

buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender

says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you're drink."

HOROSCOPES

Aries ~ March 21-April 19: This week is great for family discussions, even if you're afraid they could get uncomfortable. You still need to say what's on your mind and people are much more willing to hear it now. By the end of the week things will begin to change for the better.

Taurus ~ April 20-May 20: Your social energy is strong and you may want to see people in comfortable, familiar settings. almost anything quiet and intimate will make you happy this week. I see a new love coming your way this week.

Gemini ~ May 21-June 21: Even if you're a big spendthrift, this week This week is time to keep your wallet closed. The money situation for this week is looking grim, and now is not the time for overspending. By the end of the week your financial situation should have steadied.

Cancer ~ June 22-July 22: Spend some extra time on your own projects or needs this week, your family and friends can wait for a while. You do so much for them that they ought to understand your need for time off. By the end of the week you should have discovered something new about yourself.

Leo ~ July 23-August 22: It's one of those days that feels as if you've got to push someone else into the limelight. You might feel sick of it all now, but stick it out, by the end of the week a good idea of yours could cause massive changes for people who know you.

Virgo ~ August 23-September 22: The moon is in Venus's path this week, this will make you feel a little uncomfortable, even amongst friends. Try not to let these feelings cause irreparable damage to close family friendships. By next week you could even have made a new friend.

Libra ~ September 23-October 22: You're feeling a bit overdrawn, emotionally speaking and would probably rather have a quiet day at home than have to deal with all the madness of the week. Still, you should get past it without losing your mind! You will need all your energy for a surprise later this week.

Scorpio ~ October 23 - November 21: Listen to your intuition, there's a lot going on down deep that should make it to the surface. You might be surprised at what you come up with, so be ready for almost anything this week. Keep an eye on a close friend this week, don't let them stray.

Sagittarius ~ November 22-December 21: You and your mate, date or best friend are a bit out of synch this week and that could lead to friction if you try to force the issue. Make sure that everyone realizes it's a temporary situation. Things should calm down by the end of the week.

Capricorn ~ December 22-January 19: You are the master of getting things done -- but only when you really want to. For now, you've got to find ways to motivate yourself, or else you could lose a lot of ground that was hard-won. I see great changes from well motivated Capricorns this week.

Aquarius ~ January 20-February 18: You like a good challenge even more than most people, but today's business seems excessive! You may have to ask for help from someone you'd rather not ask for anything, but it will all work out in the end. The path of Mars predicts financial gain this week.

Pisces ~ February 19-March 20: This week predicts danger for Pisces, try to avoid conflict. Towards the end of the week you might begin to realise things can be settled in other ways.

THOSE WHO HAVE PASSED THIS WEEK

have you lost a loved one? We print obituaries free of charge, the perfect way to say goodbye. Contact a member of our writing team for details.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In loving memory of Mr Pickles II
Made Man of Miami and devoted leader of ~Pickles 11~ and member of The Miami Alliance

Died suddenly on 17th March.

He would do anything for his friends and family, put his hard earned free time into writing and editing the Tabloid for others enjoyment.

His family would like to thank the many friends that turned out to pay their respects.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rest In Peace Executioner
Capo of Miami and leader of {♥} TFA ~ Gli Angelic Dimenticati{♥} and member of The Miami Alliance

Murdered on March 17th.

Will be missed by all his family and friends.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In loving memory of Mocca

Made Man of New York and loyal family member of Struan's Est.1840

Died suddenly on 17th March.

Thank you for the many wishes and flowers from all who paid respects.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In loving memory of RoccoVerde

Made Man of Detroit and loving family member of ~La Camera Della Torta~ and member of The Miami Alliance

Died suddenly on 17th March.

Will be sadly missed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In loving memory of Lily Brooke

Devoted Goomba of Miami Made Man, Mr. Pickles II

Died suddenly on 17th March.

Lily Brooke lived a long fulfilling life, and she touched a lot of people in her time. She had an angry streak to her, but if you didn't upset her, she was the nicest person you could ever meet. Her death has left a lot of people in mourning, for a very long time. There are no words to explain how much she will be missed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In loving memory of Venom_Vixen

Devoted Goomba of Miami Made Man, Mr. Pickles II

Died suddenly on 17th March.

Venom_Vixen was a great lady, and its a shame she died. Although she was fairly young, her bloodline has been around for a long time, serving as editor, Family Head, and, most important, as a great friend to those who knew her. This is a tragic loss for the community, and she will be missed greatly by many.

GET INVOLVED - THIS WEEKS COMPETITION

We at the Miami Prophet want to help the loved ones of all those who lost their lives last in last nights events.. And we'd like our readers to get involved too. We are offering $250k to the reader who comes up with and runs the best and most original fundraiser for the cause. We want you all to get out onto the streets raising awareness amongst the community.

Use your imagination and have some fun, you will be judged on the originality of the idea as well as the success of the event itself. To get involved please mail a member of our writing team to let us know you have entered and get planning.

The contest closes on Sunday, when winner will contacted, interviewed and awarded the prize money.

The winner will be announced in next weeks issue.

Coming Soon - Readers Views.

Have an opinion on any of the current issues going on in our community? Want to express your views? Write to Venom Vixen, c/o The Miami Prophet.

New - Subscribe to The Miami Prophet!

If you wish to receive the latest issue of The Miami Prophet straight to your mailbox, delivered by hand by our paper boy, please contact Venom Vixen.

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