The Tabloid News XXIV
Mr. Pickles II: Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

It has been a while since I have sat behind the desk of The Tabloid News, and pecked away at my typewriter to send out another edition. But, the wait was well worth it, as we have a plethora of informative and completely accurate news to share with all of you. So, in the tradition of editors past . . . on with the news!

THE TRUTH ABOUT MIAMI DEATHS

Everyone has noticed that death of Jownes, Brutus Beefcake, and Wild Horse. Some say they are the result of mob wars, and random attacks, and age old vendettas. The truth is much more sinister. While vacationing in Transylvania, Jownes was bit by a vampire, changing him into a child of the night. While vacationing in Romania, Brutus was attacked by a werewolf, giving over to lycanthropy. Upon returning home, they immediately went on the prowl in the dark of the Miami night. Wild Horse, having been blessed by Father John, went on the hunt for Jownes and Brutus. He took careful aim at Jownes and fired a single, silver bullet into his heart, then stabbed Brutus with a wooden stake. Upon realizing his mistake, Wild Horse fired another silver bullet into Brutus’ furry chest, and stabbed Jownes in the heart with a stake. With the monster threat over, Wild Horse went on his way to the Church to receive his accolades from the Bishop. However, as he crossed the street, he was hit by a bus. All three are missed greatly.

VANITY RIGS THE PEEPER AWARDS

We at The Tabloid News have discovered that, in an effort to boost her own fame, Vanity has rigged The Peeper Awards. She recently won the Peeper Awareness Award, and the Most Compromising Position award. Our investigative reporters have uncovered that Vanity gained and kept the attention of The Peeper by removing her curtains, and tried on different lingerie with the lights on. The Peeper could hardly resist. Because of her teasing and entrapment of The Peeper, he had no choice but to peep and give her the awards. We at The Tabloid News are ashamed of anyone who would shamelessly self promote themselves in such a manner.

SKYE HAS ARMY OF CITIZENS VIA MIND CONTROL

Editor of the sub-Tabloid newspaper, “The Mafia Gazette” has been accused of mind control. The accusations claim that she controls Citizens to kill for her. Upon committing the heinous act, they neither get arrested, nor lose their citizen rank. Apparently, she has the police under her control as well. Her legions of citizens have been accused of everything from murder, to grand larceny, to jay walking, to littering. When I asked Skye for a comment, a random citizen came up and gave me a wedgie. He was promptly shot, but was wearing a bullet proof vest, and walked away unscathed.

ANOOK QUESTIONS LINEAGE

Famed oosik wielding Mafioso, Anook, recently visited his mother in the nursing home. “Mother,” he asked, “Am I really an Eskimo?”
“Of course you are.”
”Were you and Dad Eskimos?”
“Why yes, dear.”
”Where grandmother and grandfather Eskimos?”
“Yes, sweetie, why are you asking?”
“Because, I’m freezing my mukluks off!”

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,

Sometimes I think Pickles and I are drifting apart. What do I do to bring us closer together?
Signed, Puck

Dear Puck,
First, quit being so needy. Secondly, row your boat back to shore.
Red

Dear Red,
I can’t get invited to any parties. People look at me funny. No one wants to talk to me. I bathe, use cologne, and brush my teeth. How can I become popular?
Signed, Executioner

Dear Exe,
Change your name to Cuddle Bunny
Red

THE PEEPER PEEPS MIGUEL, LOSES EYESIGHT

That is because Miguel is ugly. What more can we say?

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