The Tabloid News XXIII
Mr. Pickles II: Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

Greetings, everyone. I am Mr. Pickles II. I have taken the reigns of The Tabloid News over from Lily Brooke, who had taken it from Mr. Pickles, who had died while on hiatus from his editorial responsibilities. I’m very excited to take on this new responsibility, and I hope I do justice to the famed name of The Tabloid News. So, as every editor before me has said . . . On with the news!

CHARLES CARTER SUSPECTED COMMUNIST

Charles Carter, editor of the new newspaper, The Carter Times, has been under investigation by the FBI for some time now. Rumours of back room political meetings with high ranking members of the Communist Party of America are being investigated to find the extent of Carter’s involvement. The Tabloid News has received documents from the New York City Clerk’s office, showing he registered to vote as a member of the Communist Party. Is Carter a spy for Moscow? Is he involved in plots to overthrow the United States government? Rest assured The Tabloid News will leave no stone unturned in its relentless pursuit of the truth.

SKYE CAUGHT SMUGGLING GUNS INTO BOSTON HARBOUR

Famed Editor of The Mafia Gazette, Skye, has been caught by port authorities smuggling guns and ammunition into Boston from England to disperse to Irish gangs in one of our Country’s most historic cities. In a body of water famed for having tea dumped into it, Skye was caught red handed helping unload crates of the illegal armaments. Skye is being detained by Boston Police, pending the investigation. She stated in a press release that she thought the crates were “toys for orphans.” The Tabloid News will do our best to follow up on this story.

MR. PICKLES II DENIES ALLEGATIONS OF LIBEL AGAINST COMPETING EDITORS

Mr. Pickles II, esteemed (and good looking) Editor-in-Chief of the profound and prolific Tabloid News has denied allegations brought forth by lawyers for Skye and Charles Carter that he has printed fabricated news stories to discredit the editors of competing newspapers. Mr. Pickles II angrily denounced these accusations and scurrilous and unfounded. “The thought that I would make up stories just to boost my own fame is ridiculous!” said Mr. Pickles II in a press release earlier today. “My reporters thoroughly check and double check their facts before we go to print.” This reporter at The Tabloid News has given himself inside information that Mr. Pickles II might have, indeed, written these stories himself. We hope truth and justice will win out in the end, and Mr. Pickles II will stop trying to smear others to make himself look better in the public eye.

*Ed. Note – I have fired this idiot reporter. Who does he think he is, writing a story that doesn’t glorify his Editor?

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,
A certain someone keeps sending me letters asking me to tell everyone how great he is. He even numbers them so I think I’m somehow special by getting a high number. I don’t think he’s that great. How do I get him to stop?
Signed, P.Mafiosa

Dear Princess,
Don’t fight it. It’s bigger than the both of you. Mr. Pickles is wonderful. It’s okay to let everyone know.
Red

Dear Red,
After reading your advice column for sever issues, I get the feeling you’re not 100% unbiased, especially in your opinions of Mr. Pickles. Is this a good position for a reporter to take?
Signed, Vanity

Dear Vanity,
I’m not a reporter, I’m an advice columnist. And, if you saw the size of my bribes, I mean, paychecks, you’d say nice things about Mr. Pickles, too.

*Please send help! He doesn’t pay me, he has a gun to my head to say nice things. HELP!*

Signed, Red

SHINOBI CHANGES CREW NAME OVER LAWSUIT

Shinobi, leader of the Las Vegas based Supreme Crab Regiment Of Terror, has recently changed the name of his crew to The White Lotus Society. An insider tells The Tabloid News that the name was changed because Shinobi was sued by Miguel for pain and anguish form the name. Miguel has recently rid himself of the STD commonly known as “crabs” after having spent time with a woman of questionable moral character. Miguel said the experience left him so emotionally scarred that any mention of regiments of crabs terrorizing sent shivers and chills down his spine. A Detroit judge agreed that Miguel should be awarded emotional damages caused by Shinobi and the SCROT, and that Shinobi remove this name from his business cards. This sets a very interesting legal precedent that we shall investigate further.

THE TABLOID NEWS IS LAZY, NEVER FOLLOWS UP

Researchers at the Harvard School of Journalism have poured over numerous editions of The Tabloid News, reading informational article after article, and discovered a disturbing trend. Every time The Tabloid News claims they will “follow up” or “investigate further” or “keep the reader informed” on any topic, there is absolutely no follow up, leaving the reader uninformed on any late breaking developments. Mr. Pickles II refuses comment on this policy.

*Ed. Note – Who hires the reporters that do not write exemplary stories about me and my paper? We are going to have to do more background checks on these reporters.

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