The Tabloid News XXII

Lily Brooke: Editor-in-Chief Pro Temp

FROM THE EDITOR

Wow! It’s really different sitting behind this desk, rather than under it. I remember all the days I would polish the wood . . . on the desk, and vacuuming the carpet in here. Now, I have all the Tabloid power under heaven and earth, and I intend to abuse it until Mr. Pickles gets back from his vacation. So, as he would say, “On with the news.”

MIAMI COALITION NOT MADE OF REAL STREET BOSSES

The Miami coalition is not made up of Miami’s Street Bosses. This controversial group is made up of janitors who slipped drugs into each Street Bosses drink rendering them helpless. These mop jockeys have taken over and have issued press releases in their bosses name. The real Miami Street Bosses are quietly asleep on their respective couches while the broom pushers run the city. The Tabloid News has not been able to reach any of the janitors for comment. However, when the coalition says they’ll “clean up Miami” at least we now know what they mean.

TOTALLY GUITARDED SEEN WITH BIG FOOT

Famed Dallas socialite, Totally Guitarded, was seen on a romantic dinner date with Big Foot. The two were seen at Chez Suzette, considered one of the most romantic restaurants in town. Big Foot gave her a nice bouquet of roses, and the two shared a slice of cheese cake at the end of their meal. We will continue to follow this story as it unfolds.

ESCAPEE FROM INSANE ASYLUM CAUGHT IN CHICAGO

Local crazy man, Rizzo, escaped from a mental hospital in Miami recently, going on a rampage in the streets spouting nonsensical crazy talk on anyone who would listen in the streets. He was caught in Chicago, and mercifully put out of everyone’s misery. Who this man was, and what his problem was is still unknown, but it is clear that his medication went untaken. Perhaps it was an advanced case of syphilis. We are looking into the negligence of the Miami Home for the Criminally Insane, but they are not willing to speak with us at The Tabloid News.

MAGICAL TREVOR CALLS FOR TIE TO BE BURNED

Magical Trevor recently made an appeal for Tie to be burned at the stake. Obviously, this means Tie is a witch. Otherwise, why would he need to be burned? We, at The Tabloid News have not had time to corroborate or investigate these claims of witchery against Tie, however we feel that it would be redundant and a waste of time to investigate before casting our judgment. Mothers, hide your children. Father’s lock your doors. If you see Tie on the streets, approach with caution and a burning torch. It is your civic and religious duty to rid the world of this witch.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,

I’ve found myself in charge of a newspaper, and I’m not entirely sure what to do. Help.

Signed, L.B.

Dear Lily,

I can’t believe he gave control of the paper to you! I’ve worked for him for years! That’s it, I quit!

Red

RANDLE McMURPHY HAS WEAK IMMUNE SYSTEM

Area doctors have confirmed that esteemed strong-man, Randle McMurphy had indeed succumbed to flu-like symptoms. Dr. Thaddeus Q. Moremorphine said that Randle was suffering from the sniffles, congestion, coughing, and a touch of fever. Randle reportedly left his daily work of crimes and misdemeanors to go to bed early. The latest report was that Randle was making himself some chicken noodle soup. We at The Tabloid News wish a speedy recovery.

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