Wacked!™ - Volume 1.0

Publication Note: The content contained in Wacked!™ Magazine absolutely represent the views and opinions of it's contributors which may make it absurdly biased in certain matters. Individuals who feel they have been unfairly demonized within the pages of this publication may file a formal complaint at their momma’s house, we take all complaints and accusations very seriously and encourage all offended parties to hold their breath while we work to settle any such grievances.

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Cry Havoc! - West coast turmoil engulfs mafia world.
By Romulus
Sponsored By: the Holy Baking Service
Sponsor Link: http://www.mafia.org/comm-readpost.php?street&id=2545
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Las Vegas Street Boss Axe was the victim of an unprovoked attack yesterday at the hands of Mr. Madison that lead to a full-scale invasion of the western stronghold by Mr. Axe's eastern allies.

The would be assassin fired several more shots but was unable to hit his target.

Unfortunately Mr. Axe himself had run out of ammunition after a shortage caused by shotty business deals that had fallen through, but help was on it's way in the form of an awkward poorly dressed man known as Mr. Chuck who had just landed at Vegas International. Witnesses reported as Mr. Chuck stepped off the plane sounds of gunshots could be heard coming from the tarmac, one striking Chuck in the posterior as he turned to flee back up the stairs before another one ht his neck. "It was a gruesome sight to see" the pilot reported "He fell very unceremoniously down the steps, and landed face down at the bottom, such a terrible way to die"

Hearing of the news Mr. Axe escaped from his besieged bar through a window to see if there was any possibility of saving Chucks life but when he arrived only found the lifeless body of his friend still laying there with no guards or fanfare. Axe did notice however a substantial sum of cash on Mr. Chucks person, considering the man was already dead he knew Chuck would want him to have it, while removing the cash from the brown suit with blue ruffles which would come to nearly $1 million dollars Mr. Axe also noticed a gun with 3 bullets still in the chamber, taking both the arms and ammunition he and his associates returned his HQ where an unannounced Mr. Powerslide was waiting for him.

Despite only being a few feet away the notoriously thick black-rimmed glasses Powerslide needed to see would again hinder his ability to shoot straight missing Axe by yards.

Shortly thereafter according to phone records obtained by Wacked! Magazine a call was received from Chicago, which was traced back to Mr. hotjoints, a member of the Dallas outfit Il Qualcosa who had a winter home in the Chicago area.

Officials at O'Hare have confirmed a one-way ticket to Las Vegas purchased by hotjoints and security reports that he was detained briefly for concealing several bullets on his person, the ammunition however was not confiscated and our calls regarding this matter to airport officials have gone unanswered.

Meanwhile back in Las Vegas more associates of Mr. Madison continued to arrive dispensing an absurd amount of bullets into the steel reinforced front door of the TeddyBear Bar as Axe himself sat quietly in a basement lounge sipping a $300 dollar bottle of Moet Chandon Rose, it is still unclear if any strategic plan was in place but by all accounts the attack was carried out by armatures and nut jobs at best.

While watching from an upstairs window at the rag tag bunch of wannabe killers the bartender noticed a familiar face and quickly reported that Alpha_Male a member of Los Angeles gang S.C.R.O.T had joined in on the battle.

Confused by the increasingly organized effort and now the involvement of another west coast group Mr. Axe placed a call to long time friend Palatine_Hill, the son of the late New York diplomat and corrupt politician Romulus.

It is unknown what transpired however according to MT&T records after speaking with Axe Palatine_Hill placed a call to Mr. Shinobi, leader of S.C.R.O.T and son of Ronin the call lasted for several minutes and was reported that Alpha_Male left the battle scene shortly after issuing an apology to Mr. Axe for the misunderstanding.

Even with the S.C.R.O.T. situation resolved more continued to arrive several west coast gangsters were identified as TheBorderMouse, Chavam, Hazard, widow_maker, along with the continued presence of Powerslide and Madison.

Becoming tired and slightly annoyed by the commotion outside Mr. Axe left the basement lounge and reportedly opened the front door during the hail of gunfire, stepping out onto the front portico firing a few shots which struck TheBorderMouse and killed Chavam. Witnesses say fellow TeddyBears standing behind the possibly inebriated Axe were seen laughing hysterically as their boss defied the attack while still sipping on his beverage.

Eventually by the wee hours of the morning either from the lack of resources or demoralization at the clear defiance and boldness of their poorly chosen target the attack began to wind down. As cars began to drive off an intoxicated man wearing a sheep’s head, yes that’s right, a sheep’s head and an I Love NY pin stuck to his chest was reported to have been running down the street in front of the TeddyBear HQ yelling, and we quote "FREEEEEEDDDDOOOOMMMM"

Having been awakened by the mentally disturbed individual and unable to fall back asleep Axe decided to go for an early morning stroll stopping into a 24 hour cafe for cookies and cream where he discovered to his delight TheBorderMouse, the few people there fled the scene with cafe staff hiding behind the counter, Axe approached the unsuspecting rodent who was enjoying a bowl of cottage cheese, waitress Sally O'Malley overhead the short exchange of words "I hate mice" followed by a gunshot, when the staff came out from behind the counter TheBorderMouse was face first in his plate of cottage cheese but Mr. Axe was no where to be found, the only thing left was a small TeddyBear holding a heart with a knife stuck through it sitting on the table.

Mr. Axe made the following statement addressed to the families of his attackers:

"While I find it both flattering and entertaining that you consider me worthy of such an attack do not think for a single moment that I will not stop laughing long enough to kill you, Today the Teddybears have their picnic, and you aren’t invited."

Publishers Note: There is no evidence to suggest Mr. Coochie had any role in what transpired however paid our offices a substantial sum of cash to include him in this article... So here it is.

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Die Another Way - An unprovoked hit leads to an eastern invasion of the western stronghold.

By Anonyms
Sponsored By: The Holy Banking Service
Sponsor Link: http://www.mafia.org/comm-readpost.php?street&id=2545
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At 3:53pm Mafia Standard Time New York Street Boss Matti_Haapoja landed on board his private jet in the western capitol city of Los Angeles to settle a dispute with LA street boss Allrise who had placed a hit out on Mr. Haapoja several days earlier.

Wasting no time at all Mr. Haapoja traveled by taxi to the downtown residence of Allrise, with fierce determination he kicked in the door and to his surprise found very little resistance, as he scoured the raggedy looking bar for several minutes before hearing a noise coming from up stairs, Haapoja listened carefully and followed the sounds until reaching an unmarked door just above the small lobby, bursting through Haapoja was amused to see one Mr. Allrise defenseless as he sat upon the toilet reading an issue of the Tabloid, while attempting to pull his pants up Mr. Allrise inadvertently dropped his gun disarming himself watching helplessly and praying for mercy as Mr. Haapoja raised his pistol to the indisposed man pulling the trigger and putting an end to the threat.

Family members arrived home to discover their beloved boss in a pool of his own blood, his head was reported to have been immersed in the toilet bowl and his hands still clenching his pants.

Mr. Haapoja was arrested for murder and could not be reached for comment, in an odd twist of events his body was discovered in the Las Vegas jail only hours later by guards, jail officials have made no statement on the issue but by all available information it appears to be an inside job.

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~ Puck

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NeuMafia RTard Award
This award was named in loving memory of that ridiculous tard convention we all came to love and laugh at so long ago the NeuMafiaOrder.

Sponsored By: The Mafia Community
Sponsor Link: www.mafia.org
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This week’s recipient of the NeuMafia RTard award goes to the champion of assembly line posts that would make Henry Ford Jealous. This disaster of human conception shamelessly posted the same replies to countless bars across the land until the people could take no more and bludgeoned him to death with verbal stones.

Wacked! is proud to present the NeuMafia RTard Award to that cookie cutter reply, Spam breathing reptile DragonFire.

Congratulations Dragon! You are this weeks NeuMafia RTard!

Due to DragonFires death we invite his family to step forward to accept this illustrious award.

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Drunken Rants by Men in Skirts
By Tarby
Sponsored By: #tie irc room
Sponsor Link: IRC - Channel #tie
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And the fire blows out

So there it was, the glorious return of the gazette, the editor was picked by the masses and we all waited anxiously to see their face.

Tic... toc... tic... toc....

We’re waiting, there’s a firework sitting lit.... waiting to explode and excite us all, bring us to raptures and yet, somehow it doesn’t go off, somehow there’s nothing, somehow there’s disappointment and contempt, somehow there was Dragonfire, a man who’s family history makes Jack the Ripper look like the second coming.

Popularity wise he sat behind herpes in a recent poll.

Let’s not be too harsh though, the editor position should always have been decided on literary talent and not popularity, it wasn’t a popularity competition after all, the best man deserved to win. Dragonfire had that of course, he had bars that opened and closed without a single visitor, practiced street oration with a crowd of people that looked like preschoolers who were still above his intellect level and sent whorish mails offering horses to people he didn’t know yet already disliked him.

I wouldn’t come to you with a story that contained no happy ending so here it is, he’s dead. The Gazette may now have a chance, let’s just hope Skye doesn’t have to be the next subject in my column.

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