The Tabloid News XXI
Mr. Pickles: Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

Boy, do we have an issue for you. It’s been an eventful week since the last edition. All kinds of newsworthy events have happened that we at The Tabloid News can’t wait to share with you. We would also like to point out that The Tabloid News came in third in the newspaper poll. We are awesome. Not number one spot awesome, but not loser awesome. Anyway, once more, on with the news!

PUCK TRIES TO SUE THE TABLOID NEWS

After being mentioned in the “Ask Red Watch” section of The Tabloid News, Puck informed the Editor, Mr. Pickles, of his intention to sue The Tabloid News for libel. He hired Tie Domi, Esq. to be his lawyer, while Mr. Pickles had Money Penny on retainer. After taking his case to a grand jury, Puck and Tie were laughed right out of the courtroom. The judge informed Puck that since The Tabloid News never lies, he would never win his case, and the court would not waste its time. Tie tried to find a loop hole, but only ended up trying to hang himself with said loop hole. After failing at that Tie went off to feed ducks in a pond, much to Puck’s dismay.

TIE DOMI ENTERPRISES OUTCLASSED IN PHILANTHROPY

Tie Domi, representing Tie Domi Enterprises, Inc. recently announced his contribution to a poetry contest in the streets. Tie boasted his donation of $200,000 for the contest winner, claiming to be a lover and supporter of the arts. However, Mr. Pickles, on behalf of The Tabloid News and 47 Enterprises, donated $400,000 to the cause. That is twice the generosity Tie displayed, which, mathematically speaking makes Mr. Pickles twice as great (at least) as Tie Domi. The poetry contest is the brain child of Eric Cougar, and the deadline for submissions is Monday, January 21st, at 12:00 noon. Dog Pound Charities also donated a large sum of cash to the Poetry Foundation, and is applauded.

TIE, PUCK, AND MIGUEL SUSPECTS IN TABLOID ROBBERY

The Tabloid News offices were recently burgled. Due to the nature of the ongoing investigation, we are not able to disclose the full story, however, we can share a few details with you. Several days ago, The Tabloid News offices were broken into by one, possibly three men. The French Maids were tied up, according to Lily Brooks by a man with a Canadian accent. Several important notes and papers belonging to Editor-In-Chief, Mr. Pickles, have come up missing. The police are in the process of investigated Tie Domi, Puck, and Miguel. The Tabloid News is offering a $100,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of or revenge upon the culprits.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,
There’s a really good looking guy I know, but I don’t know how to approach him. What do I do?
Signed, L. Brooks

Dear Lilly,
Just buy Mr. Pickles a beer. He’ll get the hint.
Red

Dear Red,
What can I do about these feelings of inadequacy I have?
Signed, T.D.

Dear Tie,
Always ask yourself, what would Pickles do?
Red

PICKLES HAS WRITERS BLOCK

In an unprecedented display of openness and honesty, Mr. Pickles held a press conference admitting he has a severe case of writer’s block, and is unable to perform his duties as Editor-In-Chief of The Tabloid News. After this edition, Mr. Pickles will be stepping down, leaving his duties to French Maid, Lily Brooks, until such a time as he feels the creative juices flowing again. Mr. Pickles will take a skiing holiday in Switzerland to clear his mind.

RANDLE McMURPHY BIG WINNER AT WAYNE COUNTY FAIR

The Wayne County Fair, held near Detroit came to a close last week. Randle McMurphy came out a clear winner in the carnival games, having won an unprecedented oversized teddy bear. Randle managed to best the carnies at their own game when he threw a ring around the neck of a small frog statue. The carnival worker apparently lost his job over the affair, as the games are rigged to ensure the fair’s profits. When The Tabloid News asked Randle about his win, the first ever in carnival history, he informed our reporters that he secretly replaced the carnival ring with his own, larger ring that would fit over the frog’s head. We at The Tabloid News congratulate Randle on his deviousness and cunning.

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