The Tabloid
FROM THE EDITOR

Greetings, everyone. This special edition of The Tabloid News is offered as a brief history and expository exposition on the current, past, and future state of our fair cities. Thousand of man hours have been spent researching librarians, I mean, researching in libraries, and poring through the records at various city halls. So, on with the news . . .

WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?

I'm sure everyone noticed that only recently has everyone returned to the Nine Cities. Some wonder, where did everyone go? Why do I see the same people? What happened? We have the answers. It's all Miguel's fault. First, we must look at Miguel's motive. Miguel wanted to own and rule all the real estate in the nine cities. To do this, he bribed all bank officials to raise mortgage rates, causing massive foreclosures on all business. Next, Miguel poisoned the water supply with goat feces. Next, he stole all the cocaine to limit any profit anyone could make. Finally, he tipped off the FBI to everyone's criminal activity, forcing everyone to move to Montana to wait out the storm. Once again, it is all Miguel's fault.

EVERYONE COMES BACK

After Miguel realized he couldn’t rule an empire without people, he ran away to Canada. A Mountie on the payroll of several notorious crime figures sent out a mass mail campaign to Montana, and let everyone know they could return. Since then, crime has plagued the streets. One citizen said with a smile, "Just like old times!" Old friends have reunited. Acquaintances have been re-acquainted. Some things, while different, remain the same. One fine example is Tie's arrogance, which was swiftly knocked down to size in The Tabloid News issue XX.

LOCKDOWN

The President of the United States recently locked every door of every house in the nine cities, making it impossible to conduct any criminal business. The only interaction with the outside world was brought by the postman. His reasoning, officially, was that petty crimes and mugging had soared to epic proportions. The real reason behind this lockdown was an alien invasion from Mars. The President, wishing to hide this knowledge from the populace kept everyone inside while the military dispatched with these alien invaders. This kind of knowledge would have been damaging to the mass public. Had President Pickles been elected for another term, this invasion would have been stopped before it ever happened.

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