The Mafia Daily
For All The News That Is News (E&OE)

Monday 14th January

PEST INFESTATION RESOLVED

As everyone went unknowingly about their daily business one hot summer day last year we were all evacuated from our home cities and shipped out to nearby towns and villages. The cities were all shut off from the world and many people lost contact and their status and rank within the mafia community. The government had found a serious pest infestation in the cities and within the very streets themselves. There were reports of bugs everywhere and with worries that these pests were dangerous to civilians the government had to option but to shut all of the affected cities down.

As the months past and the cities remained deserted and derelict and although the pests appeared to have disappeared along with the public there seemed little hope that we would ever get back into our homes. As people started to settle down into their new quite country lifestyles, many big Mafioso seemingly gave up a life of crime in the relaxed little towns.

However as the new year rang in so did the good news, the cities were safe from bugs again and people were soon making their way back to their homes and soon within only weeks things are beginning to look as if no one ever left. People have settled straight back into the old way of life, restoring all their old businesses, rebuilding their homes and families and reacquainting themselves with old friends as well as making new ones.

Now the race to made has begun again, with no high status ranks around the next few months look to be a grab for power all over the country within the world of organised crime, but with such a level playing surface it seems that many lives will be lost as everyone attempts to climb their way to the top.

MUGGING MAYHEM

Since the cities gates reopened earlier this month and the citizens returned to their homes, crime has hit an all time high. Old ladies calling into police stations by the dozen complaining of purse snatchings, whole streets of stores being held at gun point one after the other, entire parking lots of cars disappearing, the list goes on and on.

However the biggest crime issue we are facing right now in our streets is that of young thugs and hoodlums running around the streets mugging everyone they come across including each other. It is no longer safe to venture out onto the street without someone slipping their hands into your pocket or at least bearing witness to one of these muggings.

We spoke to one gentleman who was mugged three times on his five minute walk to work from his home in Las Vegas by three different men taking over $100,000 from him in total. He told us his story, "The first man grabbed the money from my back pocket and was gone before I even saw him" He began, "The second was much younger and seemed less experienced, he made for my money but I saw him and managed to get out of his way before he disappeared down an ally way empty handed" he continued, "And the third, he was an older man who actually confronted when he stopped me in the street at knife point and forced me to empty the contents of my pockets to him. It's ridiculous when a man cannot even walk to work without risking his life."

It is becoming a serious problem and is set to get worse as guns start to become more readily available amongst the general public, these muggings will soon become murders.

STATE OF EMERGENCY

Early yesterday afternoon, just before 3.30pm, the president took over all radio stations to announce the country is now in a state of emergency. As the nations hearts leapt into their throats, worried that we were under attack or worse. President Carcass went on to explain that the reason for this state of emergency is his reaction to the vast amount of crime that has swept the country from shore to shore, more specifically, the mugging epidemic that has been going on since the start of the new year. He described the current situation as anarchy and insisted that we need to make the streets a safe place for everyone before things can be returned to normal.

The State of Emergency means that all businesses are closed down and all transport has been ground to a halt until further notice. Even the church was closed for the first couple of hours of the state of emergency, but was later reopened as a sanctuary for those with nowhere else to go and those who couldn’t get home. All citizens were instructed to stay in their homes and keep listening for updates.

So people all headed indoors and prepared for the long haul, some people went home to sit with a cup of tea, others hid in back ally pubs and bars, a few took refuge in the local churches and many went to Miss Vanity's mansion to wait it out with a little bit of fun.

At 5.45pm the president's voice once again took over the radio waves, only this time with some better news. Just over 2 hours after the state of emergency was called it finally ended and people slowly made their way out of their homes and refuges and slowly started to resume their daily business.

Seems like it was a warning this time, but will it be heeded?

THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH

At a time when you need as much protection as you can get there is none to be found. Bodyguards all over the country have decided that enough is enough. They've called a nationwide strike this week and are rejecting all offers of work. Reports have come in that bodyguards are rejecting offers of up to one million dollars for a days work.

We managed to catch up with one of the bodyguard strikers for a chat, "We are sick of all this childish mugging" he told us, "we are respectable men and women who put our lives on the line to protect the important people in our world from assassination, we are not here aid thugs and hoodlums run around the cities mugging one another and until people realise this we will work for no one."

Those bodyguards already tied to contracts will of course be continuing employment, but until further notice no others will be accepting work leaving the country's population unprotected and vulnerable.

JOKE OF THE DAY

A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

"who's there?" The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot.

"What's your name," the robber asked.

"Cocodora" said the parrot.

"Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora" said the robber.

"The same idiot who named the Rotweiler Jesus", said the parrot.

OBITUARIES

Pale_Rider - Died: Jan 12th 08 5:14PM
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PapaJones -
RIP Its is a shame you are the first SB here...such a bad way to go too

Maurice -
Stupid and unfortunate way to go.
Guess that this particularly problem is around.
RIP, sir.

Kitty -

There goes the guns misfiring again and you were the first victim. This sucks love.
*Lays a white rose*
RIP

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