THE TABLOID NEWS XX
Mr Pickles: Editor-in-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

Far too long have been fingers been from this old Remington typewriter. Far too long have the French Maids kept from dusting my office. Far too long have the Swedish children been sleeping on the printing presses instead of using their tiny nimble fingers to service the dangerous machinery. But, now a new era is begun. A new Tabloid is written, and new truth are being made up about new people. So . . . once again, on with the news!

KING TIE IS REALLY QUEEN TIE

After Tabloid News investigative reporters followed Tie all day, they discovered he ended his day at the Rooster and Woodpecker Tavern, a place well known for their drag shows. After paying a $10 cover charge the reporter watched Tie parade across the stage wearing a black dress, heels, and the most garish makeup that would make kabuki theater look tame. After drinking several Cosmopolitans, Tie then sang a song with J. Edgar Hoover, and left out the back door. We at The Tabloid News are as all shocked as you are.

MAGICAL TREVOR IS ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS

To inaugurate the grand re-re-re-opening of The Tabloid News, the staff decided to throw a party, and kidnapped Magical Trevor to do magic tricks to entertain the staff. However, Magical Trevor wasn’t magical at all. He could not even shuffle a deck of cards much less find the one Mr. Pickles picked. Trevor was then asked to pull a rabbit out of his hat, and only pulled out dandruff. He was promptly kicked to the curb, and it is strongly advised that he never be hired for any birthday parties, weddings, or bar-mitzvahs.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,
Sometimes I think I’m more important than I really am, and I like to tell everyone about it. How can I realize my place in society?
Signed, Tie

Dear Tie,
You are not Mr. Pickles who truly is as amazing as he says he is. Get over it, and give up.
Red

Dear Red,
It’s so nice to be back in these cities. Who says you can’t go home again?
Signed, Puck

Dear Puck,
That would have been Thomas Wolfe. Read a book!
Red

OLD WOMEN HAVE FOUL MOUTHS, FAMILY VALUES QUESTIONED

We at The Tabloid News remember a time when ladies were graceful, elegant, and eloquent. Nowadays, old ladies curse at you when you steal their purses. What’s this world coming to when the elderly speak like sailors and auto mechanics? It is a sad commentary on today’s society.

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