New York Times Issue 26
Tuesday 18th of July

PANTELLA ISSUES A STARK WARNING TO LA COSA NOSTRA
By Anon

Yesterday a Las Vegas resident and starch patriot of La Cosa Nostra known as Jimmy Pantella, issued a stark message to the nation and criminal underworld on the street. Onlookers stood as the man whose bloodline stems many years in La Cosa Nostra issued his grievances with funeral correctness. Pantella made a stark warning that anyone, no matter who they were or what they did, who disrespected funerals in certain manners would be killed. Speaking in a serious manner and with conviction, he outlined that anyone who represents the mafia and their associates who does not act in a way that is acceptable at funerals would be placed on a hit list and a contract taken out on them sometime in the near future. It seems that it does not matter whether offenders are family affiliated or not and in his words they would be "DEAD"

At first his comments were greeted with hostility but as he went onto explain his overall intentions about mannerisms in funeral attendance he said, ""In my eyes, I see nothing wrong with punishing the people who use 'OOC slang' more suited to OOC Avenue and act in distaste at funerals". He went on to include that anyone disgracing La Cosa Nostra and "pissing on peoples graves" and all other such behaviour like "Rest In Pieces" would be placed on his list and dealt with eventually.

The Times caught up with Pantella at his Las Vegas gallery to find out what exactly is going on in his mind.

"For too long, La Cosa Nostra has been slack and tolerated too much. It is time that leaders across the nation address the fact that they allow their members to act in a way that not so long ago people would have got killed for anyway"

"I'm not trying to make people write speeches and force them to say last words to people they must. I'm just saying there is a visible standard of what is acceptable. I am making a stand and I am not alone. I have been and will be in various talks with the East and West leadership about making this a reality across the nation"

He went onto mention his inspiration came from his own musings about the matter and Aphex's "Mission Statement" on OOC Avenue.

"I do have money in the millions sure and if people think this is something I cannot do or will not... they can think again. I want all leaders to tell their members that THEY will not be accepting this behaviour anymore. People understand a bullet to the head on this matter. Think I am acting brash? Not at all"

"I will meet with leaders to make them take a stance on the matter"

The Times learned that items that should not be considered being said and done at funerals according to Mr Pantella are "OOC Slang", "Rest In Peaces", "I'll contact you when you return" and items of emotional display that disrespects mafia traditions and values of honour. "Pissing on peoples graves and rejoicing that someone is dead or having arguments is now a killable offence in my book"


TIMES EDITOR PASSES AWAY
By Cubert Fansworth

Loveable Frachetti made man and New York Times Editor Adrian Mole passed away at some point late on Thursday afternoon.

Rumours have been rife around the nine major cities of the United States about the exact cause of his death with speculation leading to all manner of stories being thrown around from a bodyguard boycott to his death while attempting a bank robbery.

We have been able to obtain exclusive information though which may well allow many a mind to rest or at least be wonder free as to exactly what happened.

Apparently Mr Mole was the victim of an attempted robbery in the Atlanta area, a robbery which lead to his body guards being left on full alert with each of them brandishing their weapons to ensure his safety, however, they were all to late as it turned out Adrian had indeed lost his wallet.

In a desperate rush to catch his train back to New York to complete his usual charity work with the local orphans, Adrian ran straight into the Atlanta bank, gun still in his hand from the robbery, simply wanting money to pay his train fair to get back in time.

Over reacting security believed this to be some kind of robbery attempt when the saw Mr Mole running in and shot him down before realising the mistake they had made.

We would like to offer our condolences and respects following the death of this great man.



REVOLUTION OF ZIMBABWE
By Norah Porridge

He’s leaving on a jet plane, don’t know if he’ll be back again. While I’m still unsure what exactly he meant by a jet plane during a recent rant in OOC Avenue, Zimbabwe was found murdered late on this evening.

The Preisthood made man had led a somewhat controversial life, making as many enemies as he did friends leaving the circumstances of his death a little mysterious.

Zimbabwe was reported to have contacted the New York Police Department, shortly before his death, complaining of being mugged by an assailant known as Sicily. When police arrived, Zimbabwe was found standing over Sicily’s body with several rounds missing from the pistol in hand.

After being taken to a local detention facility Zimbabwe attacked Chicago hoodlum Hot Joints, stabbing him, causing a major wound to the youngster, and forcing his friends to break him out of jail for his own safety.

Once out of jail, Hotjoints spotted Zimbabwe who had attacked him on the “inside” and opened fire, taking the Detroit made down with what was reportedly his first shot. Hotjoints was again imprisoned but freed later in the day on the grounds of self defence.


FRATELLANZA DI FRATELLO TAKE OVER DENVER
By Horatio DeLaCrux

“Make sure the punishment fits the crime” it’s an old saying but one that should always hold true, at times like this though, we have to ask, just what exactly has A1berto done to deserve Denver.

Recently Denver has been as much of a poisoned chalice as being born with the forename Randle with people lining up to have their chance at finally moulding it to match a vision they believe could finally make the city.

Following the high profile deaths of Paradox and Redd Fox, people may wonder just what has made A1berto accept this challenge. Quoting Alberto from his unveiling as Denver’s new chief “Denver is an opportunity for everyone.”

We believe there may have been more to that speech however our reporters pencil snapped and they were unable to continue taking notes.

Alberto may have a better chance of running Denver than some of his predecessors as he has brought with him to Denver, a wealth of experience in the form of his right hand man, Giuseppe Genco, a man renowned for his shrewd business acumen.

We would like to wish A1berto and his family all the best and we do hope that he can give Denver the guidance it needs.


YET ANOTHER ROGUE?
By Jake Roberts

Atlanta was the venue for the latest bout of roguish action tonight as John Cerasani, the former Silent Breed and Los Angeles man made his way to the fair city with a host of body guards.

Georgia’s police department were shocked when reports of the apparently well respected individual alleged he was seen mugging members of the local Atremo family and were apparently on their way to question him when they found his body behind the dumpsters of The Whistle Stop bar.

Although nothing can be confirmed it’s believed Mr Cerasani was hoping his bodyguards would be able to do some damage to some of the high ranking members of the Atlanta crime family Atremo by provoking their members.

Police currently have two suspects for the murder, believed to be Thames and Capo, Charles Chaplin, both were released after questioning without charge.


PINK LADIES ANNUAL AWARD
By Dominque Latherby

Machiavelli was the man who walked out and made the announcement regarding this newly formed competition, a battle to crown the ultimate Pink Lady, the Queen of the West so to speak and no sooner than he’d announced it he was inundated with request of nominations and votes.

The man once dubbed, “The only pretty man in Vegas,” by Diamond Zadie may be left regretting his words soon enough though as no diva will be happy told they are not the Queen of the West, they all love their jewellery and I’m sure missing out on some new items will not sit well.

For those of you who have still to vote on this contest, here at the Times, we have decided to give you a quick run down on the woman that are up for the award.

Cherry, well…. She’s named after a fruit, I’m not sure what else there is to say, she’s clearly one of the fastest climbers in the underworld circles and is constantly being recognised by the powers that be for her hard work, but… can you really vote for her? She’s named after a fruit.


8Sweetie8, a favourite for the award having proven that not everyone with a number associated to their name deserves put down at birth, add to the she drinks and gets violent, almost ending the life of the first Don of Las Vegas and you’d be tempted to vote for her out of fear alone.

Diamond Zadie, She apparently has the biggest mouth of the West, she’s single handidly raised the share price in the Las Vegas post office with the stamps she buys for her ever increasing mail collection, she’s also particularly fond of changing her outfits if you ever take a look her way.

Lily Brooks. Erm, she’s married to Tie, if that’s not reason enough not to vote for something then what is?

In conclusion, I’d vote for Sweetie, through fear or to award her drunken aggression.


A Note from the ‘Peoples Paper’:

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