The Tribune - Edition 43
Friday 6th July



THE UNLUCKIEST CRAB


The good people of the West coast, chief amongst them the Criminal Under Ninja Training crime family of Las Vegas, have been in mourning this past week since the death of beloved family member Zatoichi.

Zat, as he was known to his friends and followers, was a distant relation to Las Vegas great Ronin, the Capo who led the Dragon’s to prominence and promoted incumbent Vegas Consigliere MrValentine to his position as head of Vegas.

Zat, in a cruel twist of events which mirrored the death of Ronin, was found dead soon after 8am on the morning of June 30th, having been killed by an exploding pistol. Those with sharp memories will remember that Ronin, a man whose gun had seemed virtually unstoppable as he led his family on a war against the Clientele and Conceptualist families, had also been dropped by an exploding pistol, this time in New York.

Most remarkably, The Tribune understands that a distant relative, Zatoichi the first, was also killed in the exact same manner.

The exploding pistol fiasco continues to take out high ranking members of the community, coming hot on the heels of the death of Boss Tarby, and with the deaths of the likes of Albert Neri and JRB fresh in our minds.

What seems clear is that the misfire strikes at absolute random, and for no definable reason.

There are two popular myths regarding misfires.

The first states that it only affects people overusing their guns. This has been popularly debunked many times, with men like Tarby being anything but renowned war mongerers. Zat himself had hardly ever fired his gun, with estimates at the number of shots he fired in his life put at a meagre 3. Hardly a scourge on the community.

The second revolves around old guns being fired, however The Tribune can reveal that Zat had performed a gun swap with Mr Valentine less than 30 minutes before the fatal incident which cost him his life. Having spent the whole day training, and with new guns in his holster, he should have been primed to kill. However nothing could prepare him for the fatal misfire which awaited him.

And so the community loses one of its most talented and accomplished members. A great writer and communicator, with a nationwide network of friends and associates, his funeral was fitting testimony to the popularity of the man known as Ronin.



CHICAGO BOSS HEADS WEST


Portia, Chicago based Boss of The Meggio Mob, announced on Wednesday that she would be stepping down from her position at the head of the Chicago criminal world, and making the move West to work for Vegas boss Mr Valentine.

The Tribune understands that this plan has been in the works for some time, with Portia keen to hand over control of Chicago to her underboss, Dario Castelleti, whose recent promotion to Made Man opened the door to the move.

This move highlights the pressure which is placed on modern Mob bosses. The stresses and strains of life as a crew leader are extreme, and many self implode before having the intelligence to step down. The move also has echoes of the stand down of Tarby from his position as the head of Atlanta. That move lasted some time, before Tarby eventually made a full blooded return to criminal life only to be stopped by a faulty pistol.

In Vegas, Portia is expected to concentrate her efforts on the Lottery and Gazette, whilst helping her new Family in whatever way possible.

The Tribune would like to wish everyone the best of luck with this move.



THE BIG SLEEP FOR CASTELLETTI CORP.


A Mafia hit. A love story. A secretive financial backer. A hit man. A brand new mob boss. A deadly duel.

It has all the ingredients of the latest Raymond Chandler novel, but instead this story was played out on our very own streets, and not the pages of a fiction novel.

The hit was on Meggio Mob wise guy Marguerite. She was shot dead in her home town of Chicago on July 2nd, killed in two shots by a hired hit man operating under the name Redd Foxx.

Redd Foxx had been paid $1 million to carry out the hit, and he collected.

But that was not the end of the matter. Margueritte’s family, The Meggio Mob, were obviously not best pleased. Nor was the love interest, Atlantan Made Man Magical Trevor.

Bearing the brunt of the criticism was Redd’s sponsor, Paradox. His attempts at negotiation with Portia were stopped in their tracks by her abdication, leaving the entire issue in a state of flux.

Magical Trevor wanted blood for the loss of his loved one. Dario Castelletti wanted blood for the loss of his potential family member.

But did either have a case?

A solution was found, as Redd offered Magical Trevor the chance to avenge the death, by participating in a duel between the two men, ending this sorry mess one way or the other. It was Dario who decided to accept the offer of the duel, requesting a meeting with Redd in Denver, the hit mans home town.

The duel however did not turn out as planned. Having arrived in Denver, it took Redd only one bullet to end the matter, somehow finding its way through Dario’s bodyguards and lodging in his neck. Dario died instantly, less than 24 hours after his ascension to power.

The Tribune would like to send its condolences to the families of those who were lost in this affair, and wish them well at this hard time.



MR V’s GUIDE TO MULTI TASKING


The modern man is a special beast. The modern Mafia man even more supreme.

Let’s look for example at the epitome of modern man, Saint George.

Unlike most females, he is more than capable of running multiple tasks at once.

For example, George juggles the tasks of being a patriot, giving eternal happiness, and being The Tribune’s mascot simultaneously.

In stark contrast, Totally Guitarded struggles to combine writing the Gazette and staying awake.

Secondly, we look at A1berto. A man of style and grace, he has female companions throughout the land. Never one to shirk a task, A1berto frequently gives his love to 3 or 4 women a night, often in different Zip codes. Never once does A1berto moan, he just gets on with it. A real multi tasking man.

In stark contrast, Lily Brookes was recently seen trying to combine the tasks of cooking a Sunday Roast with decorating a cake. She failed miserably, ending up with icing on the Chicken and stuffing in the Victoria Sponge.

So what is it that makes man the dominant species?

Well firstly we have larger brains. Fact
Secondly we have faster, more efficient brains. Fact.
And lastly we are naturally programmed to enjoy work and hard endeavour, unlike the naturally lazy females. Fact.

So that concludes Mr V’s guide to Multi Tasking. If you want to be able to do it, be a man.



THE BIG INTERVIEW


The Tribune sent its resident misogynist to interview Vegas Boss Cherry, editor of The Tribunes rival publication Nuova Donna. Here is what went on:


Mach: What makes you love the West Coast so much?

Cherry: My mother made her way here many moons ago, and I was born and raised here. What’s not to love? We have a wonderful life, sunshine, easy money and the shops are superb.

Mach: You say you love the sunshine and the shops. Does that mean you spend all you're time shopping and sunbathing?

Cherry: Well I help the family run day to day things too, but a girl has to have fun too.

Mach: Well I can imagine you're day must be very full and busy. Tell me, how do you manage to wield that gun of yours without breaking a nail?

Cherry: Would you like an "up close" demonstration?

Mach: Of you're nails? Well that's mighty kind of you to offer but right now I think we should continue with the interview. Maybe later over a drink?

Cherry: Now then Mach, you wouldn't be worried of little Cherry and her gun now would you? As if you didn't know I wasn't referring to my nails.

Mach: Right Miss Cherry, moving swiftly on to the next question. You have obviously excelled in you're family and you hold a high esteemed rank. What is you're position in the family? Do you do anything else than make the tea for Mr Valentine?

Cherry: Make tea? You think I make tea?

Mach: Now now, don’t be coy, I've been told it's exceptionally good tea.. I was just wondering if you had any other hidden talents?

Cherry: I have many talents all are hidden and will remain hidden!

Mach: Cherry, the idea of an interview is that you at least give something to you're public… People will be interested. Surely you can share something apart from you're tea making talents.

Cherry: Well I suppose I do try to help look after the crew with the odd bit of crew sitting, I might have to shoot sometimes really I am just a family girl at heart, If the family has a need and I can help then I do.

Mach: You do the odd bit of crew sitting? Are you inferring that Mr Valentine has some immature members amongst his esteemed family?

Cherry: Not at all, now don't be naughty and try to put words in my mouth.

Mach: Okay, seeing as you are being evasive I'll have to assume I hit a raw nerve there. I'll move on with another question. If you had the opportunity to change one thing in this world, what would it be?

Cherry: Oh there are so many things I would change. To pick one is really very hard, I mean what’s a girl to do? I would like to see better gun maintenance so there would be less misfires, they claim too many good peoples lives.

Mach: A practical choice if I might be so bold to say… How do you feel about a woman's place in our society? Do you get enough respect?

Cherry: A woman's place here? Well that’s a question and a half, surely women have proved that we are not just for staying home and playing house. We have seen many female leaders and i am sure we will see many more. Yes I think men here are on the whole very respectful towards the Ladies of Mafia of course you get the odd one or two who wouldn't even know how to spell respect never mind show any.

Mach: I understand what you're saying there. Some people have absolutely no respect to women. Next question… Heaven forbid should Mr Valentine fall, the family would fall into you're hands. Are you up for the job? Are you a big enough C.U.N.T to be able to cope with the added responsibility?

Cherry: I would have to cross that bridge if and when the time came, but to be honest it's not something I think about I don't like to tempt fate.

Mach: So it's not true that you are contemplating a coup? I heard you was planning to do so as Mr Valentine is so damn ugly…

Cherry: Mach, they say that the hearing goes with age, you have just proved that point.

Mach: I may have misheard, it's true that age is not my friend any more. Maybe you said you was going to the Co-op?

Cherry: lol no again you are wrong I am not going anywhere.

Mach: Okay but you must admit is very, very ugly... How do you cope working for one so grotesque?

Cherry: Beauty is only skin deep unless your a Diva.

Mach: A very noble statement but I feel that you are not answering the question. I can understand you not wanting to upset the boss but even he admits that he turns milk sour.

Cherry: I heard he also scares little babies into screaming fits with one look.

Mach: Last question… Would you care to share the story about you, a naked Carlos Marcello, a set of handcuffs and a very nervous looking sheep?

Cherry: I have two comments on that. One is never ever enter a room without knocking on the door first and Carlos my therapist is waiting for you to settle the bill.

Mach: Thank you for you're time!!


And that concluded this great meetings of minds.

Reports suggest that Mr Valentine has demoted both of them to Goomba and told them they can stay there until they learn how to behave.

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